


Plexure

by Vinteresque



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Bullying, Family Issues, Friends With Benefits, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Minor Character Death, Miscommunication, Renjun and Jeno are two confused souls, Slow Romance, Tags May Change, Trust Issues, Underage - Freeform, Yangyang and Renjun are bestfriends, idk what this is, slow realisation, that should be a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:48:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 57,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24962536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinteresque/pseuds/Vinteresque
Summary: He felt chills running through his arms when a pair of hot lips land against the cold of his nape. He rests his hands on either side of the counter, trying to subtly move his head forward to escape.Escape what?This Jeno. His brain supplied.This,four months beforeJeno.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Comments: 116
Kudos: 237





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, here's my first fic, hope y'all like it! Also, it's inspired by all the fics that I've read so far so kudos to those amazing authors out there.
> 
> **warning:** mild violence and blood.

  
The first time Renjun saw Jeno, was in the washroom of his school carnival. 

He had always been put in a school where he never pertained. He was always an outcast. No one would talk to him, referring to him as _"the one from China."_

Today though was worse than any other day. scrambling, he tries to hold himself up with his legs. The bruises were directed right on his ribs, making him flinch with every step that he tried to take.

His class was the second to the senior-most batch of this year and their school would always endow their students by holding a carnival on Children's Day, for giving them something in return for their service to the school.

They had been assigned with stalls and the stalls had a time scheduled to them; morning, evening, night. He'd gotten the night-stall and apparently, he had to exchange his stall with one of his classmates but they couldn't find him which lead them into believing that he was deliberately avoiding them so that he wouldn't have to do it.

It sounds so absurd to him. He keeps on thinking how he would've gladly given up his stall even if they weren't bullies, it didn't matter to him, time didn't matter to him. Every day was just every other day to him.

He kept telling them, tears streaming down his face, _stop, stop please stop, I didn't do it on purpose._

Grip tightening around the marble of the sink, refusing to look at his reflection. Refusing, not wanting to look at the bruises on his body.

He had felt so defeated. He tried his best not to break, tried his best to keep a semblance, tried his best not to cry in front of those who don't know a thing about pain.

And yet. Yet, he couldn't hold himself, just like every other time.

He wiped off his tears aggressively, trying to remove all the evidence of his defenselessness, of his weakness.

Failing on containing himself, he looked up at his reflection. Hair askew, eyes red because of crying, a little cut on the corner of his lip, eyebrow, cheek and the bruises on his arms, his crouched posture from not being able to stand properly, his white shirt, no longer white.

_Sucks being me_ , he thought. _First at home, now at school_.

He looks at his reflection, feeling like he's seeing a totally different face staring at him, looking so defeated and angry at the same time and like every other time, he _again_ wishes it was someone else. Not him. He stares until he feels his eyes burning with tears again. The door of the bathroom stall clicks. Abruptly removing his hand that was touching his face, he turns his head to the side to see the intruder.

A boy, presumably around his age, sharp eyes, dark hair, sharp cheeks and the only thought the comes to his head,

He must be one of _them_.

The boy looks at him and just looks. Then, after a few seconds turns around to get inside one of the empty stalls, as if like he didn't see him.

Feeling a sudden urge of exhaustion from, everything, he hears feet rustling towards him with a faint _are you okay?_ and then he sees black and nothing else.

–

He stirs awake, from a nightmare he forgets as soon as he opens his eyes.

The first thing he sees through his dazed-gaze is someone's head with soft-looking, straight black hair. Blinking his eyes to get the sleep out of them he notices that there's a person sleeping on the floor next to the bed with their head propped on the bed, fast asleep.

Unsettled, he tries to move but feels pain coarse through his body making him grunt. The sound was louder than intended and he freezes as soon as the person jerks awake, abruptly. He realises it's the same boy who he had encountered in the washroom.

His face sharp and cold but his eyes showing hesitance–like as if he had been caught doing something.

The stranger keeps his eyes on him as he gets up hesitantly. White shirt, black sweats.

He goes over to the other side of the bed and then does Renjun realize, besides the bed - a small table with a pill and a glass of water, the boy hands him both of those things which Renjun figures must be a painkiller.

The sunlight fills the room in a way that illuminates the boy's face, making one of his eyes look brown but a shade lighter than the other. "Thank you," he says so softly that he isn't sure if the boy even heard it but then he hears an even softer _hm._

He stays at the boy's house the entire day. They don't talk, don't converse. The boy just sits on the small desk and chair placed at the corner of the small room, which makes him think as if he's in an apartment, like his own.

Without trying to disturb the boy, he gets up quietly, realizing that his pain had reduced quite a lot.

He stands in front of the window, taking in the cool evening monsoon wind, feels stray strands of his hair flying, sending shivers all over his body.

At this moment everything feels okay. It feels serene, like he had no worries in the world.

His eyes close on their own. _Everything will be okay_.

When he opens his eyes, he sees the boy's reflection against the glass of the window, looking at him from his desk.

It's a fleeting feeling that goes away as soon as it comes. He removes his gaze from him.

–

The boy helps him till he reaches his apartment, they don't talk but Renjun doesn't mind. At least he has someone with him.

He leaves him till the room of his apartment.

"Jeno."

"Huh?" Turning around from unlocking the door of his apartment, he asks, taken aback by hearing the boy's voice.

"My name."

"Oh," He takes a little time to process it before realizing, "ah, Renjun."

_Jeno_ turns to leave when Renjun suddenly remembers,

"T-hank you," 

Jeno turns around,

"–for helping me."

_Two nods_. And then he leaves. Without asking for anything in return.

–

Three days later he meets him again. Lee Jeno, he gets to know, is in his class.

He walks in fifteen minutes early into the class when hears snickers from behind his desk.

"Hey, _Lenjun_?" Someone asks from the same group. Turning around in his place to face the person, he notices that it's Jaemin, vice-captain of the football team. "Yeah?"

"I'm in charge of pairing up teams up for the project," Renjun sighs. He had already forgotten about it. He looks back at Jaemin after his little stupor. "And since you were the only person still left to be paired, I thought it would be a good idea to pair you up with our group which consists of me, he places a finger on himself, "another guy, plus the new guy."

Renjun didn't know that "new guy" meant a student who just happened to change his stream from geographical science to History.

"Oh, as expected from the football captain." He hears Jaemin saying in a teasing tone, that's when he spots Jeno walking in the class, not noticing him yet, a small coffee carton in his hand that he places on Jaemin's table, glancing at Renjun but his expression, not looking astounded at all. "Also, since you've joined so early all the others have already chosen their groups so I've made you a part of our group with this guy right here," Jaemin says while patting his back. He doesn't look back at them and he doesn't have to since the teacher already enters the class. He lets out a sigh of relief.

_Thank God_.

"So, as all of you have been assigned with partners, I hope, Jaemin, it's natural for me to tell all of you where we're heading with this." Mrs Min then passes out pamphlets to everyone in the class and he starts inspecting it as soon as he gets it.

"As you can probably see, it's a trip and before anyone asks, no, it's not compulsory but I would suggest all of you take part if you want to pass this semester with good grades." Renjun doesn't look up from his pamphlet.

He feels a nudge on his back, he turns around to see Jaemin's contemplating face. "Are you okay with the group or do you want to change groups?"

"No, it's okay, I'm fine with it." Jaemin leans back on his chair letting out a sigh, "thank god. I thought you looked unhappy with the arrangement." His eyes land on the desk beside him, Jeno wasn't paying attention to what they were talking about, too engrossed on his history textbook.

He turns his attention back when their teacher starts talking again, "okay so, our principal has decided that you have seven days to fill out your forms and hand it to me for the trip. And boys remember, this trip is going to be a learning experience not only textbook learning but also moral day to day learning where you'll learn to be independent."

"That's too much learning in for me." He heard someone whisper followed by a couple of snickers from behind him.

–

"How long will you be gone for?" Was the first thing that his friend Yangyang asked him.

"Three weeks."

"Okay, but how will you afford it?"

He didn't know.

"I don't know, maybe I'll have to ask my aunt if she could lend me some money." He flinches when Yangyang forcefully shoves the bag of chips back into its aisle.

"You'll ask old-lady-Huang? Have you lost your mind?"

He probably has.

"I can't do anything either. My project marks depends heavily on that."

He catches Yangyang glancing towards him.

"I mean, I could always lend–"

"No."

"What? You don't even know what I was going to–"

"No. Yangyang please, You've already done enough for me." He doesn't look convinced at all. "Come on, I've seriously done nothing and besides, how much can it cost?"

"Four million won? You're asking me for four million won?" He feels stupid for even thinking of calling his aunt.

"Kid. I've looked after you for all those years and you haven't done shit for me. Do you seriously think that I would give you four million won? How can you even have the guts to call me?" He hears a sigh from the other line, "now, if you don't have anything important to discuss–"

He cuts the line before she could finish.

–

"See? I would say I told you so but I told you so." He hears the beeping sound of the frozen bitter gourds that he checks out with the machine.

He feels defeated. "What was I even expecting Yang?"

Family.

Something that he doesn't have a clear idea of. He knows the literal meaning of family, he knows what it stands for, what it's supposed to mean but he's never experienced the actual love and unity that _family_ stood for. He only had a family for namesake.

Renjun was only eleven years old when both his parents had died in a car accident. He doesn't remember what had happened that day. The only memory he has was that he felt nothing when had gotten the news. His mother was and his father were abusers, both physically and mentally. And they despised him. He didn't know why, he just assumed that it was because he was born weak, scrawny, not to their expectation from their only child.

From then on, he had to move to his aunt's house because she was his only legal guardian. Her living conditions without him was bad enough, she didn't want to keep him in her house and she always made sure to let him know that. But he eventually started getting part-time jobs in small convenience stores or cafés which earned him enough money to rent a decent apartment under his parent's name.

But every now and then, he does feel very envious of those who have actual families. Every now and then, he would stop and stare at the park that he always passes by while going to work. He looks at those little children playing with their parents, he sees the love, he isn't able to stop his own mind from wondering how it would've been if his parents had loved him a little more–

Maybe he'll never know the feeling of having an actual family.

–

"Hey look, It's dweeb!"

He ignores the voice completely, pace walking into his apartment as fast as possible. "What's up dickweeb?" The taller one crowds Renjun against his door. "Got something for us?" "He probably _forgot_ again." He hears another from behind, making a mockery out of his voice.

"Why, Cat got your tongue?"

He keeps a straight face trying to look as unfazed as possible. "I'm not obligated to get or do anything for you." He sees the other flinch a little, it makes him feel a little courageous.

"Oh, looks like dickweeb finally grew some balls." The taller steps closer to him, glaring at him. "Why huh? Since when did you get so bold?" He invades his personal space and nears his face too close but Renjun tries his best not to break his façade.

He looks ahead and slowly catches hold of the doorknob with the hand that was pressed against the door, not visible to any of them and as soon as the taller one lifts his hand to get a hold of his bag he twists it open and pushes himself backwards inside closing the door equally fast, locking it on his face.

He steps back, hearing the banging on his door and some inaudible things but it eventually stops making him slump on the floor, exhaling a sigh of relief. They're going to get back at him for this but for now, at least he still has all his groceries with him.

–

Today was one of those days when he had to work for extra hours just because the owner of the shop felt like it. But he hadn't expected Jeno out of all people to be at the store at such an hour.

It was a quarter to ten, his shift was going to get over soon. The store was empty save for two-three other people.

Needless to say, the door opened and the little bell chimed. He looked up and his eyes followed Jeno wherever he was going until an old man came and stood in front of the counter with his bag filled with things.

He eyes the man and then takes out all the things to scan their price. It takes a long time and by then another person comes with a pack of cigarettes, the hand looks familiar, when he looks up, he sees Jeno's face. He takes the packet of cigarette hesitantly and scans it through his machine.

_One beep_

But Jeno's face doesn't show any sign of recognition.

Just the way he came inside, he leaves. Without sparing a glance at Renjun, hands inside the pocket of his jacket.

–

He dreaded this day the most, today is the day when they had to submit their trip money. He had to muster up the courage and tell his teacher that he wouldn't be able to go.

He glanced back a little and remembered that he would not only be effectively disrupting his own project but also the project of his entire group.

The class hadn't started yet and he was already feeling anxious, trying not to look at anyone. His head started _p_ _ounding_ so hard that he had to put it down.

After a few minutes, he heard someone calling his name. Turning around, he saw Jaemin hovering over his seat, looking at him curiously. "You okay?"

Renjun got up to sit back properly, massaging his temple, "u-uh yes, it's just hurting a little."

"Couldn't sleep?" He asked with a sheepish expression on his face.

"You could say that."

Jaemin then abruptly sat down on the empty desk beside him. "Okay so, here's what happened," he began, "remember when I told you that there would be two more guys other than me and you?" Renjun nodded, prompting him to continue.

"Well, we have our football tournament coming up and since Jeno and I are captain and vice-captain, its impossible for us to go. And to add to that the other guy, Jisung, he's also a part of the team." He looked very guilty. Renjun was able to add it up.

"So you're saying that I should go alone?"

"No, no _Lenjun_. I don't think we'd be allowed to do that. I was implying that maybe all of us could stay back and do the project from here." It sounded more like a question. And Renjun could feel a huge weight from his chest being lifted.

"Okay."

"Okay? Wait, are you sure?"

"Yes."

Jaemin looked so happy, it almost looked like he would explode from smiling so hard.

"Thank you so much _L_ _enjunnie_. You have no idea, this tournament was– is so big for us. Thank you so so much." He gave Renjun a bright smile while facing him and walking out of the class. "I'll just go and inform the teacher then. You're the best."

He watches Jaemin going out of class, slowly disappearing, making his problem disappear too.

When Jaemin came back, they discussed how they would go about with the project.

"I was thinking, we have Mark and Donghyuck going too so I could ask them to gather some photos and information for us and then we could meet in someone's house or a café to discuss everything and note them down."

"Wait, Mark and Donghyuck?" He asked in a whisper. Jaemin scooted closer to him.

"Yeah?" He asked in a whisper in return, "what about them?"

Renjun contemplated whether he wanted to tell Jaemin that Mark and Donghyuck probably don't like him but decided against it. "Nothing, you know them?"

He saw Jaemin relaxing. "Yeah, them, Jisung, Jeno, me. We're pretty close."

"Oh."

"So you're– we're good?"

"Yeah, all good." He said with a smile which Jaemin returned, "okay, alright."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, thank you for reading if you've reached the end. Please do leave a kudos if you liked it and feel free to comment on how you liked it so far!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kept trying to post a new chapter but I guess my network kinda crashed. Anyway, thank you for the kudoses and hits in the previous chapter, I really wasn't expecting it to be honest😅
> 
> **Warning:** mild use of the colloquial term(s) and homophobic language.

These days Renjun finds himself spacing out a lot.

He feels exhausted, doesn't get enough sleep at night. He stares at the corner of his ceiling, lying down on his bed. He just stares and thinks about nothing and everything. The apartment feels cold. His mind feels heavy and his head hurts. He opens his phone and checks the time, _‘6:30 a.m.’_ two and a half hours left before school.

Eight-thirty in the morning, when school starts and he passes through the woods that no one sets their foot on. The weather is gloomy. The cool monsoon wind seeping through his clothes. It's perfect, he likes this kind of weather, not too hot, not too cold.

Setting his feet on the hill. He sits on them and stares into the expanse of the sleeping city. It looks serene.

And he feels peaceful.

–

He puts his head down on his desk trying to mute out the boisterous rowdiness of his classroom. Wanting the day to be over as soon as possible.

At least his school gets over fast enough. It rains heavily that day. He stays stuck, trying to shade himself from the rain by standing under the bus stop. He finally reaches his apartment and checks his phone, _‘3 missed calls from ‘Aunt’ since 1:30.’_

Sighing he dials her number hoping that she doesn't scream at him for calling her late. It stops ringing then he hears a couple of laughter from the other line.

"–sure thing, I'll be right back my nephew is calling me." He hears her talking in Korean.

"Aunt? Is that you?"

"Yes, yes it's me. Now listen very carefully. Your uncle is here with some of his friends and they don't think we've gotten separated yet. Get over here within the next ten minutes, _quickly."_ She says hurriedly switching back to mandarin.

She says that and cuts the call.

He plops his phone on the bed and lies down closing his eyes. His aunt is calling him home, and his uncle is there. The last time he saw him was at his parent's funeral, he had been drunk.

His aunt and uncle had separated before he moved into her house. He'd never even met him except that one time when he'd come to her house drunk and they had had a fight. He remembers how his aunt had told him to put his fingers inside his ears and lock his room's door from inside. When he had seen her the next morning, she had a huge cut on her face.

He had learned to hate his uncle since that day. He reminded him of his father.

Taking a leave from his store was a difficult job but he eventually did it by buying nine cans of beer in exchange and promising the owner of covering an extra late-night shift and to be back in time for it, even though he disliked those.

He waited for his bus and when it arrived, he took a seat next to the window. The last time he went to his aunt's house was a long time ago. He starts having flashbacks from when he used to live there. His aunt never raised his hand on him but she was extremely passive-aggressive towards him, a lot like his mother.

One of the reasons why he moved out was because he didn't want to correlate with anything that reminded him of his parents.

Another reason was also that he felt like he was being a burden to her, in many ways and he didn't want that.

By the time he reached, it was way beyond ten minutes. Cursing under his breath, he gets down the bus and just stands outside his aunt's house, bringing himself together for whatever was about to happen.

Sighing he rings the bell once. He hears some shuffling from the other side and then his aunt is opening the door. If he hadn't known her, he would say that her eyes brightened up a little after taking in his form. But he knew her. He _knows_ her.

"Idiot, do you know how late it is?"

She scans him up and down and sighs, "what have you done to yourself, they're going to think we didn't feed you and kicked you out or something," she said this while shaking her head.

He almost doesn't understand his own mother tongue, too used to talking in Korean now.

She takes the bag of beer from his hand and tells him to greet his uncle and his friends.

_Remember to act like you've known_ _him for_ _a long time._

He nears the drawing-room, hearing loud laughter and hesitantly, tries to peek inside to see how many people were there. He fails, his uncle sees him.

_"Ah,_ Huang Renjun, my blood!" His uncle says a bit dazed, that he knows is surely from the alcohol. "Come here, come here, son." He finally enters, making his way through his uncle's friends awkwardly.

"Look at how much he's grown up, _eh?_ And you've become this much" he says wringing his little finger back and forth. "Eat some kid! You have a long way to go, _eh?"_ He says to all his friends around earning him a roar of laughter and Renjun finds himself wondering how asking someone to eat more could be so funny.

"Zu Shi! Get our guests some more beverages! Gotta stock this warehouse up, eh?" He says, addressing his aunt while patting his stomach and laughing.

He manages to offer a smile to all the people around him, "oh he is so sweet! Look at him all smiling!" A man squeals and he almost jumps out of his embrace.

He sits there in the middle of their conversation, pretending to listen and watching all of them lose their conscious one by one until he spots his aunt peeking inside and motioning him to come to her with her hand.

He gets up and immediately goes outside the room without excusing himself.

"Listen, we're running out of drinks for them, take this and go get some, you remember the store right?" she says while slipping some notes into his hand. He gives her a curt nod and goes near the door, wearing his converse and jacket before going out.

He takes his time walking till the liquor shop, the way, all too familiar from back when his aunt used to send him there and he remembers her words so clearly " _they've banned me from that place, are you understanding what I'm saying?"_ he had nodded his head, pretending to understand.

When he reaches, the shopkeeper, an old lady, eyes him up and down, raising an eyebrow before handing him bottles of whiskey. He takes them saying a soft _thank you_ and leaves with half a mind.

"Renjun, come inside, come indulge us a little." He goes inside the room handing all of them a bottle. "So," starts one of them, "how come you ended up living with your uncle and aunt?" He doesn't look at her, completely frozen and unprepared for a question that was never asked from him before.

"Ah, his mother and father died in a car accident," he looked at his uncle, shocked at the discreteness, "if you ask me, I'm pretty sure they planned it themselves, y' know? Killed themselves, you know what I mean?" He tightened his grip on his lap. "This kid didn't help either. The only child, who would be happy to have a kid like him, look at him all lanky," he couldn't stand the laughter that came after.

"Why boy? Drink some," he didn't even look at the man who was asking him. He just kept his eyes screwed on his lap, trying to calm himself.

"Looks like you've messed with a nerve, huh?" The man asks. He wanted to throw up after hearing his uncle's laughter that followed. "Looks like it. Why boy, why didn't you bring your little girlfriend around with you? Do you even have a girlfriend?"

His uncle scoffed at that, "I don't think the kid's ever even banged a girl. Look at him, He's probably a faggot." Everyone around him laughed at that. He closed his eyes and prayed that his tears wouldn't come out else he would have to wipe them away and he didn't want them to see his weakness.

"Eh kid, you into boys eh?" His uncle poked his bottle against his elbow, "here boy, drink some," his uncle laughed,

"Uh-huh, I don't think he'll be able to handle it," another chuckle.

He grabbed the bottle and in one swig chugged the entire thing down. He put it down, wincing slightly at the burning sensation on his throat after doing that he gets up, legs shaking. He mutes everything out.

He could see his aunt coming out of the kitchen. He started towards the door, grabbing hold of the knob and got out.

When he managed to somehow leave the house, feeling dizzy, vision blurry. All he could think was his uncle's words, the roars of laughter.

He somehow managed to catch a bus but it only dropped him till the convenience store where he worked, he couldn't think straight but his vision cleared a little when he saw someone familiar.

He reached the roof of the building that he saw Jeno entering.

He opens the door and is met with Jeno's silhouette leaning his arms on the railing of the roof, the night's sky and moonlight casting a shadow, making him glow against it. There's mist surrounding him. Black jacket, black jeans. Renjun nears him, leaning his hands against the railing as well.

He stares into the view in front of them and at that time everything looks so _small_ and carefree. Staring into the vastness of the sky he starts wondering how easy life could've been for him. He feels Jeno staring at him from the side of his eyes, he turns his head to look at him and sees a lit cigarette between his fingers, smoke seeping out from his lips, he stares at it and with much contemplation takes the lit cigarette in his fingers. Jeno doesn't say anything but he feels his eyes on him.

Renjun had never smoked before but he had seen people do it, he just follows whatever he's seen. It was his first time and he doesn't cough.

He looks up at the sky and it doesn't get any prettier. They keep taking their chance with the cigarette, passing it back and forth. He watches Jeno take in another drag from the cigarette but he doesn't exhale it, he glances at Renjun from the corner of his eyes and then slowly but suddenly brings his face extremely close, exhaling the smoke– not on but right in front of his lips.

Renjun stays frozen in his place, too late to react to what had happened. All he knows that he feels this kind of feeling and his heart beats so loud against his chest that he feels like Jeno might just hear it.

He stares at Jeno, his eyes, it's as if they're glowing in the dark and he gets lost inside them. He doesn't register what's happening until he feels Jeno backing him up against the door of the roof, the bumps in them prick on his back but he doesn't move. His eyes don't leave Jeno's dark one's, they stay glued. And then Jeno leans down, his breath tickling Renjun's neck, making goosebumps rise on his hand. He moves his head to the side, hitting the back of it against the door.

He waits for whatever Jeno wants to do but Jeno just stays, his breath fanning over where his lips are hovering at the crook of Renjun’s neck. He lifts his head but as soon as he's about to look, Jeno licks the juncture of his neck all the way to his earlobe, making him gasp and shift his head to the side again.

His brain doesn't allow him to _think_ it shuts all sense of rationality off. Jeno sucks on the spot right where his neck ends and his knees almost give out. He lifts his hand and curls his fingers around Jeno's dark hair. Jeno then lifts his head, his eyes darker than ever, lips red. He stares down in Renjun's eyes.

_Lust._

Renjun assumes that's what he's feeling as he continues to stare at Jeno. He feels lust pooling from the depth of his emotions. He doesn't even know _how_ he's feeling whatever that he's feeling– or maybe it's just Jeno.

And Jeno, he looks ethereal. The moonlight illuminating half of his face, his black hair, his murky eyes.

He nears his face towards Renjun's and rests his forehead against his, Renjun's eyes close on an instinct. He moves away, making Renjun shoot his eyes open. It is then that he realises that Jeno is holding his wrist, dragging him out of the roof.

–

He feels a little surprised at the fact that Jeno was still in his room and hadn't left. Although he had expected him to wake up to an empty bed.

But he stares at Jeno's face.

Memories of last night come crashing down on him.

How, after leaving the roof Jeno had asked him where he lived and Renjun had told him that his house was a few blocks down. He remembers how Jeno hadn't let go of his hand. 

When they had entered, his apartment had been completely dark but when Jeno had laid him down on his bed, hovering over him, this new position, the streetlight from outside his little widow right above his bed, illuminating his face, leg between his own two and hands on either side of his head. He remembers thinking absurd things such as whether Jeno was real or not.

It was such an exhilarating feeling.

_Jeno's hand on his skin, Jeno's lips on his skin, his eyes, his stare, his touch, the way he had kissed every portion of his body._

But he hadn't felt something in such a long time. He felt complete, not alone. Even though he knows it would've been the same, even if it wasn't Jeno. But it was Jeno's face he looked at, Jeno that had treated him with care. He looks beside him and he still sees Jeno's face in his room, on his bed,

_Jeno_

_Jeno_

_Jeno_

He lets out the breath that didn't realize he had been holding. He shouldn't feel guilty, or maybe he should. He doesn't know what to feel.

It's maybe the realisation that he was probably using Jeno to get rid of his emotional anguish from last night. He knew that it was.

Then he remembers his uncle's loud, obnoxious voice, _I don't think the kid's ever even banged a girl. Look at him, He's probably a faggot._

He looks at Jeno's face and a thought registers in his mind.

He gets up slowly, straddling Jeno's body between his thighs. He doesn't get up, still slumbering until Renjun brings his face close enough that their nose almost touch. Jeno opens his eyes, still dazed from his slumber.

They had done so much.

But.

They hadn't kissed the entire time together last night.

Renjun brings his face closer, hoping that Jeno gets the message, but he just stares at his face. He hadn't kissed anyone before. Feeling a little courageous, he keeps inching his face forward but not having enough of that courage to connect their lips.

It may be then that Jeno gets the message. He stares at his face and then lifts his head up towards Renjun's face and attaches their lips.

Jeno's lips were cold but soft. Renjun doesn't move his lips at first, he doesn't really know what to do. Then he closes his eyes, trying to think that they were _something_ even if they weren't, trying to think that maybe by kissing him Renjun would be something to Jeno and Jeno would be something to Renjun. Even if they weren't.

So he takes whatever Jeno gives, he moves his mouth copying Jeno, soft at first and Renjun _melts_ against him.

Jeno moves them so that he's the one hovering over Renjun, his head thudding against the soft pillow with the force of it. He parts their lips and leans his head back on his pillow to the side, embarrassed. Jeno brings his face up, levelling it with Renjun's staring for some time then kissing his lips once more.

–

When they had eventually gotten up, Renjun was met with Jeno's back and he stares at it, they had a few red lines, he flushes thinking about the fact that it was his doing.

They had showered, not together, that would have been too intimate. Even though Renjun thinks that they've already done enough things which would be considered intimate.

Renjun cooks them breakfast as Jeno showers, they both eat in silence but Renjun finds it comfortable.

When Jeno leaves he feels alone again, the apartment feels cold again. He stands in the middle of his room, staring at his bed, the imprint of their body still evident, the sheets still soiled.

He holds the sheets in his hands. It sounds so absurd to him now that he thinks about it. It sounds so childish and stupid. The fact that he was trying to create something between him and Jeno.

They had just been acquainted with each other and here Renjun was already pretending like as if he's in love with him.

He tries to forget. Tries to erase it because he does have feelings towards Jeno but they're not intimate. He knows whatever that he has, it's because he had let Jeno see him in his most vulnerable state, completely bare and open.

Vulnerability, when Jeno had removed his shirt from his body and he had covered his face because he was showing his bare body to someone. But Jeno had caught hold of his wrist and gently had removed them from his face, moving his face to kiss his collarbone, his chest, his waist–

Breaking from his trance, he shoves the sheets inside his washer. He sighs, trying to shake off the memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk what that was but if you liked it then feel free to comment and leave a kudos ^^


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all those comments and kudos in the previous chapter, they make me so happy!

Days turn into months within the blink of an eye.

Things were going so fast. Renjun found himself sitting in front of their history class. Their project, long over. He was shocked at the aftermath of his group. They obviously hadn't gotten full marks but it was definitely above average and much better than however much they had expected.

He sat, looking down into his history book, failing to pay attention to the words written on them.

He was walking in the corridors. _"Leonjun-ah!"_ he hears Jaemin shouting his name. He turns his head and Jaemin stops in front of him clutching onto his knees to catch his breath which makes Renjun laugh a little, "aren't you supposed to be a football player?" Jaemin stops and looks at him gaping his mouth and placing his hand on his chest looking offended, "you dare say that to me, peasant!" He says exasperatedly. 

That makes a laugh erupt from Renjun.

Jaemin wraps his hands around Renjun's wrist, dragging him along, 

"come."

They walk along the corridor next to their field. "So," Jaemin begins, "we did pretty well on the project right?" Renjun nods in agreement, "so I– well, we all– as in, all the other members of the group we were in, decided that during the vacation we'll go out for a little trip to Jilin." He looks over at Renjun expectedly, who just stares at him.

"Well I mean, the reason - well, my father actually opened a number of hotels there and he wants me to bring over the entire class and since I hold myself at fault for us to not being able to go for the History trip, I thought I'd do my part and make up for it!" He said with a brilliant smile and an excited glint in his eyes.

Renjun was frozen in place for a minute before Jarmin waves a hand in front of his face.

"I can't–"

"It's free of cost if that's what you're wondering," he says waving his hands. "Chenle's father and my father have worked in it collectively and his mother owns the airline that we'll be using to travel in, so free of cost!"

Renjun thinks about it, it's been ages since the last time he went to China, his hometown and it makes him sad at the thought because the only memory he has of that place was back when had used to live with his parents. It brings back bad memories.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

Renjun smiles. "Yes, okay."

"Okay, cool, I'll let you in with the details," he says running backwards before turning around fully and scurrying off. 

It was a place where he was born in. Those bad memories, they should be relived with fresh, good memories.

–

He tried his best not to look at Jeno. Ever since that day he's been avoiding him, they never talked to each other in the first place. It surprises him that it's already been three months since that day. But it's hard not to look especially since he dyed his hair blonde.

"Okay, we'll be waiting for the others to come and then we'll begin our little plan for the summer vacation," Jaemin said the last part excitedly.

He heard loud laughter from the cafeteria they were sitting in. He turns there and saw a group of four approaches the table they were seated in, out of which, he recognised Donghyuck, Mark and Jisung. He couldn't recognise one boy, he stood out, maybe he was from the geography section, he concluded.

"Hellios people," Donghyuck says reaching them and waving his hand haphazardly. "Hi Renjun, right? It's okay, Jaemin already filled us in with his plan–" he said before Jaemin chimed in, "actually mine _and_ Chenle's plan," he said while looking at the boy - Chenle. He greeted the boy who greeted back politely. 

"I've heard you're Chinese too, I guess we'll get along well then," Renjun was caught a little off-guard by that, "oh yeah, you're Chinese too, you'll be able to bitch people out, so lucky," Donghyuck said while actually looking sad.

"Don't pay attention to him, this boy is too overly dramatic for his good," Mark said while locking his neck with an arm and ruffling his hair with the other hand.

"You get no love," said the thin boy, Jisung. He heard Donghyuck scoff, "stop quoting Eminem, kid." 

"He keeps calling me kid but don't forget who taught you what oral–" 

"Okay, I think that's enough banter for today," 

"Yes, thank you," Jeamin said joining both his hands and pointing it towards Mark before continuing. "We're here to discuss how long we'll be staying for and the little requirements and how many other people we want to accompany us so now is the time you shoot your opinions."

"I think it'll be better if only we go," Donghyuck says this which gesturing his hand around their circle.

"Okay then, everyone's okay with that?" Jaemin asks looking around. Everyone nods and when Jaemin looks over to Renjun, he starts contemplating on asking Yangyang to come along with him. He nods too, realising that he probably should experience something alone for once. 

"Okay then, the vacation lasts for a month and a half so how about we go for fifteen days and then the other half we can spend here? Jaemin looks over at Chenle. "what do you think?"

"We can go for as long as we want, my mother actually wants me to spend some time out." 

"Okay then, we leave on the twenty-third just a day after the vacation starts, will you be able to arrange seven tickets till then?"

Chenle smiles, "of course, it's enough time."

"Okay, it's decided. Twenty-third, seven of us– well obviously along with my mother, none of us are adults yet, pack accordingly oh and most importantly!" He pauses abruptly, "don't forget to inform your parents."

Renjun tries his best to not look overthrown by that.

–

"But you have to tell old-lady-Huang about this or she'll have my head." He and Yangyang were eating ice cream from his store.

"Why would she go after you?" Yangyang looks at him, shaking his head a little. "Of course, she knows I'm your only best friend and so if you suddenly go missing she'll obviously come after me for your whereabouts."

"You know but I feel like you deserve a break from all the madness in your life," Yangyang says this while staring at his popsicle.

Renjun hums lost in thought.

He knows that he should take a break and that it's normal to be exhausted of your life but the more he thinks about the conditions that he's going under, the more he feels like he doesn't deserve it.

He hears Yangyang click his tongue beside him. "Stop thinking whatever you're thinking. This is your problem. Just think of it in this way," he shifts so that his entire body is facing Renjun, placing both hands on this knee before continuing, "your friends– what's their name? Jaemond and Chenle? all their other friends are going there for free too. They aren't expecting anything in return form them, why would they expect anything from you?"

Maybe, his friend was right. He should stop trying to read in between lines. 

–

"Hello? Aunt?"

"Hmm, say."

"I called to tell you that I'll be gone the– entire of vacation this year to one my friend's house." Before his aunt could say anything, "–i-in Jilin," he added shortly after.

_silence._

Then a sigh. "I think you're old enough to make these decisions yourself. Do whatever you want." The line gets cut. He puts his phone down, releasing the breath that he had been holding and sinks on his bed, in his dark apartment, next to his phone.

–

Sleep doesn't really come that easily to him. He lays on his bed, thinking and in those times the apartment feels too large for him. Too large and empty for just one person.

He doesn't mind sleeping alone, sometimes he enjoys the silence, it gives him peace. 

But sometimes, the silence feels too loud and scary. Like a person, who doesn't want to let go.

Sometimes he just lies down on his bed and thinks about his parents. Thinks about the things he had gone through, thinks about how they used to despise him even though he was just a child and had little knowledge of what was right or wrong.

Sometimes, he lies down and thinks about all the things he could have done but was too scared of doing it. He thinks about life and how meaningless it seems. In those times, he cries, not loudly but silently.

–

"Why?"

He grabs a hold of Yangyang's hand.

"Just come."

"No, but why?" It gets on Renjun's nerves. Yangyang, honest to God, starts _whining_ and when he starts whining, it really gets into his nerves.

"Just come, it won't take too long."

They reach a small convenience store, a lot like the one he works in but a lot smaller, empty with maybe two-three other people.

He makes his way into the liquor aisle. 

"Have you lost your mind?" Beside him, Yangyang whisper-yells. Renjun looks at him and then looks around them to see if anyone was looking at them, thankfully the aisle was in the complete corner-end, "calm down. You said you wanted to accompany me."

"Yeah but Renjun, _this_ is not what I meant," he says pointing his hand on the bottle.

Renjun's eyes widen, "no, no Yang. It's not for us." He says, a little out of breath, before continuing, "it's for old-lady– I mean, aunt." He looks down at the bottle and hears Yangyang laugh. "You almost called her old-lady-Huang," he bends and holds onto his knees by how hard he's laughing. "I'm The Influencer here," he says pointing a finger at himself.

"Okay, okay, you got me, now let's go?" He says instead before the bubble of laughter from the pit of his stomach would come out.

–

"I said, this is supposed to be for aunt."

"Yes. And?"

He looks at Yanyang in disbelief, "we're not supposed to drink it. You were so against it just a while ago," He points his index finger accusingly at Yangyang.

"Well, I'm curious now." He steals a glance at Renjun, "what? Sue me," he says throwing both his hands up in defeat.

"Yang, no. See? We're two blocks away from her house. We can't back out now." Yangyang grumbles something about hypocrisy and being boring. 

After a lot of grumbling and bantering, they finally manage to reach his aunt's house. He looks over at Yangyang, "stay here, don't go anywhere, I won't take long."

"But why don't I get to see the infamous old-lady-Huang?" 

He puts his hand on Yangyang's shoulder, "trust me. It's better if you don't." Yangyang pretends to zip his mouth and takes a step back.

–

"Well, that was faster than I thought. What'd she say?"

He sighs loudly, "nothing much." 

Which is true. His true intentions were releasing himself off of that remorseful feeling of guilt that was eating him up from inside. He felt like he was betraying his aunt in some way by going out with his friends, even though he knew that what he was doing wasn't going to cause anybody any sort of harm.

"That's hard to believe." They both start walking at a very slow pace.

"I know but I didn't bring the trip up." Yangyang perks his head up at that which prompts him to continue. "I lied to her. I said that I was going to one of my friend's house in this area so I decided to pay her a visit."

"And then?" 

"And then, nothing. I just put the bottle on her table."

_And left. Without saying anything else_.

He replays how the shocked look on her face turned into nothingness when she first saw him.

"Well, at least now, you don't have to fuss over old-lady-Huang's shenanigans." They turn, heading over to the stairs because the lift takes at least five minutes to come.

"Still a bummer that I couldn't see her though."

–

Sometimes he thinks about how different things would've been in different circumstances. Not about anything in particular but generally. 

Like now. Now, when he sees Jeno in his store, ideally just looking for things from one aisle to another. It was so simple for them to fall into their normal routine after _that day_ , so simple for them to act like just mere acquaintances, so simple for them to act like they weren't even acquaintances outside school.

And Jeno– Jeno is just, Jeno. Renjun envies so many things about him that he would never voice out. Like how he carries himself, how he looks like a very cold person with his sharp features but is actually not, like how human he actually is, even though when he first heard rumours about him, they were always absurd and said in such a way that made him look like– as if he's not human, like how he always has so many friends around him, he envies all that about him a lot.

He freezes as soon as Jeno comes in front of him. He doesn't give anything away from his expression, curt as always. He passes over the usual pack of cigarettes and a packet of chips. Renjun scans it through his machine and takes the bill from him, their fingers touch a little but Renjun tires to ignore the slight tingle that he feels. There's again no acclaim in his face but this time he does say a very soft _thank you_ before leaving.

–

He should've seen this coming. 

He sits on the chair opposite to that of his principal's desk and chair. She looks tired and sleepy, with he spectacles hanging low on her nose. He hates spectacles, it always reminds him of his mother and how she always used to look at him with scrutiny.

It's the same. Renjun doesn't look at her face, eyes zeroed on his lap, examining his twitching fingers like he's never seen them before.

"Mister Huang, do you have something to tell me?" He flinches as soon as he hears her hoarse voice.

"No, ma'am." He blurts out.

"Are you doing fine, mister Huang?"

_Please stop calling me that._

"Yes, ma'am."

"How's counselling going?" He looks at her after hearing that. He hadn't been to a single one of those ever since the first time. 

He still remembers that one time when he broke down crying so heavily when the school had taken them for a parent's recital and when the first student had started talking about how loving his parents were and how they help him. He had started feeling like someone was latching onto his heart, he had felt like there were too many people in the room, he was finding it difficult to breathe.

The last thing he remembers was him seeing hands grabbing onto him and the next time he had woken up, he was in the school's infirmary. His aunt was called and she had told the principal about his parents, with a hopeful glint in her eyes while talking to her about sending him to the school's hostel. It must have cost a lot since he never ended up getting admitted there but the principal had assigned him with a counselling session on the last day of every week.

He comes back from his reverie. "I haven't really–"

"I know." He stops fiddling with his fingers, feeling a tug on his arm after hearing her voice, firm but filled with exhaustion.

"Mister Huang, I know. You haven't been attending even a single one." He doesn't look at her. 

"We're doing all this to help you out."

_No one can help me_.

"But at least it's something." He looks up at her, eyes widening after realising that he had said that out loud.

"I know you haven't had any visible problems yet but the teachers have come up to me, they have– I wouldn't say complained– but they have voiced out their concerns for you."

He knows. He's heard it way too many times.

_Mister Huang, wake up._

  
_Renjun, do you want to freshen up?_

  
_Mister Huang, are feeling alright?_

  
_Mister Huang, do you need to go to the infirmary?_

"It's for your own good, okay, alright. If you don't wish to attend any compelling sessions, would you at least try to maybe socialize a little?" Her gaze and voice soften a little, "making new friends will help a lot, you know. Of course, that goes with making the right type of friends." She shifts a little ahead from her chair, placing her folded palms on the desk.

"Do you want to proceed with that first see if that works?" He looks at her hopeful eyes and hesitantly nods.

She sighs, "okay then, Mister Huang, I'm glad." She smiles at him, "please take care of yourself," she says while pushing a toffee with her finger towards him but what catches his attention are the spectacles folded neatly on the table. 

He looks up at her, eyes stinging a little. He nods a little surely this time moving forward from his chair to take the toffee. Returning the smile that she was giving him.

"Mister Huang," her voice catches him a bit off-guard, it sounds– playful. "do you put your cereal first or milk first?" His eyebrows furrow a little at the thought. He looks up the board next to her head in thought. "I never, noticed," seeing the expected look on her face he continues, "but I guess if I had to, I would put cereal first." She looks satisfied with his answer as she nods her head, her lips tugging up. 

"It doesn't really matter, right?" He looks at her, removing his gaze from the board, "it's the same thing if you put cereal first or milk. The end result is the same right?" 

He finds himself nodding. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, that escalated pretty fast but this is where the actual story starts. Do let me know what you thought of this chapter and do leave a kudos!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's where it all starts, buckle up
> 
> **warning:** mild blood

Vacation starts earlier than he had expected.

He finds himself spacing out again. Staring aimlessly at the blackboard that has nothing written on it but is such a stark contrast against the white of the wall, it stands out so much.

Today is their school's last working day and his classmates are rowdy as ever but he manages to mute the frenzied boisterousness.

When he comes back from his daze, he sees that none of his classmates is seated, roaming about from here to there in the confines of his classroom. He gets up and leaves the classroom, the noise fading as walks further in the corridors adjacent to their field.

There he spots the football team, very far from his view. His eyes automatically fall on Jaemin, him being the only one he could recognize. He spots someone jogging and coming into his view, Jeno, the football captain. His blonde hair bouncing, he straightens his back feeling self-conscious for some reason and leaves to find an emptier and quieter place.

–

Gathering his food from the cafeteria, he finds an empty desk and sits on it. "Hello." He nearly jumps at the voice, right next to his ear. He turns his head, hand automatically finding a place to his ear. Shocked expression turning into a scowl at seeing Jaemin's evil, snickering face, his gaze shifts to Jeno who is standing next to him. He's quick to avert his eyes, looking back at Jaemin, "you nearly killed me."

Jaemin struggles a little bit he finally stops laughing, wiping the stray tear that had gathered at the corner of his eye, "sorry, sorry but your face was priceless." He starts laughing again. Renjun moves his hand away from his ear and looks at him with a bored expression on his face.

He turns his focus back to his food, ignoring Jaemin but the boy just takes his place next to him. He doesn't look at him, instead looks at Jeno's hand who was now sitting down on the opposite bench.

"I saw you Renjun." He turns his head towards Jaemin who looks at him with a serious expression which throws him off-guard, "it was you, wasn't it?" He says, smiling a little. Renjun doesn't catch on and it must have shown on his face because he sees the little hesitation on Jaemin's face before he further asks, "you were watching us in the field today, right?"

"Ah, yeah. I was just roaming around to find a quiet place." Jaemin puts both his hands on the table, Renjun follows his movement. "Be honest, you came to watch me, didn't you?" He knocks his shoulder against Renjun's making him pull his lips in a tight line. "Sure, of course," he says, shaking his head, a smile forming on his lips before going back to eat.

Jaemin laughs and Renjun is again thrown off-guard at how lighthearted it sounds. "I'm just messing with you," he says casually. "Are you excited about our trip tomorrow?" Renjun would be lying if he said he wasn't so he looks at him and nods his head, "very."

Jaemin looks happy with the answer, "okay then, look forward to it. See you tomorrow," he says motioning his two fingers in a salute before scurrying off.

Jeno stays seated, Renjun steals a glance at him, he's on his phone. He lifts his gaze from his phone for a millisecond before lowering it back, then back at him again after catching Renjun looking at him. He probably realizes Jaemin's absence as he gets up from his seat but doesn't break his gaze from Renjun's face, staring at him subtly until he's off, away from Renjun's view.

–

Tomorrow comes pretty early. Their flight is scheduled for 6:30 p.m. When he was done with his packing he had placed his suitcase next to his door and had dropped on his bed. Feeling tired from doing just that.

He was forgetting something. Felt like something was missing, something he hadn't done the entire day, cursing under his breath he grabbed his phone and ringed the first number that was saved on his contacts.

He waits outside his store, trying to keep himself warm. Rubbing his hands, he glances at the time on his phone, ‘3:00 PM.’ three and a half hours more before his flight, he sighs but jumps a little as soon as a hand falls on his shoulder. He doesn't need to guess who the person is after hearing a small _idiot,_ muttered above his shoulder.

He turns and is faced with Yangyang's unimpressed face. He feels guilt wash all over him, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I was too busy and I woke up late and freaked out thinking I missed my flight, Yang, I'm so sorry," he tries to make his best sad/cute face to get his only best friend to forgive him.

"So you finally remember me," Is the first thing that Yangyang says before wrapping his arms around Renjun's shoulders, hugging him tightly. "I'll miss you," it sounds muffled, barely above a whisper but Renjun hears it loud and clear. "I'll be back though, in a couple of days," he says before patting his back with both his hands.

"I know but you'll get new friends and you'll forget about me." Yangyang gets whiny again but this time, he doesn't get bothered by it. This would be the first time they'd be separate from each other and that too, for such a long time. "I'll miss you too, so much. And no, you have too much of an impact on me to forget." He smiles, memories of the things they've done together spreading warmth all over his body. He tightens his arms around his best friend.

–

He calls an Uber to drop him off at the airport. He would've taken a bus if it wasn't for his suitcase and his weak arms.

He's the first one to arrive and taking that as an advantage, he decides to sit on an empty bench with no one sitting on the adjacent ones. Sighing he decides to continue his book online from where he had left off.

Slowly, all of them gather around in the place Renjun was sitting on. ("Aww, _Renjunnie_ saved a place for us," Donghyuck said in an overly sweet voice that could also be passed as sarcasm. He had sat on an empty bench so that he wouldn't be bothered by anyone but he doesn't say that out loud.)

It didn't help either, the fact that Donghyuck was his seat partner.

When they boarded the plane and Renjun started looking for his seat he saw Donghyuck standing in front of it and smiled brightly(evil) after looking at him. He could only sigh when that evil mink called for the window seat to be his.

When he looked around from his seat, he was glad to see that the plane was filled with passengers which included two-three men, who were there to accompany them and others. They were sitting pretty close to each other, Mark and jaemin on the row beside them, Chenle and Jisung on the row beside Mark and Jaemin's.

He furrowed his eyebrows and started looking around, poking his head out to see the seats behind him. After looking properly he found finally found Jeno sitting alone on the last two seats of the row, on the one next to the window. "Can you sit? You're hurting me," Donghyuck hissed from beside him. It was then that he realized that he was, in fact, hurling almost on top of Donghyuck to get a better view.

"Oh, sorry," he said while turning and sitting back down on his seat. Donghyuck muttered something about being unlucky.

–

He couldn't sleep.

The entire time Donghyuck kept fidgeting in the already small space that they had with loud music which could be heard through his headphones. He tried all sorts of things: trying to wake him up, telling him to stop the music, trying to put his neck pillow around his ears to block the music out, but all in vain.

Pulling apart the last string of patience that he had held onto, he doesn't think twice before getting up, walking all the way back with his neck pillow around his neck and sitting on the last seat which was empty, next to Jeno. He doesn't say anything, just sits crossing his arms and closes his eyes knowing that he wouldn't be getting any sleep. At least it's more peaceful than sleeping next to Donghyuck.

It's in the middle of the night when he stirs awake. By now the entire plane was dark, save for some light coming from plug points and the multiple windows. This was his favourite part of travelling in planes – the nights, the darkness, flying in the sky, almost like a bird.

As if on his own accord, he turns his head with the intention of looking outside the window only to find Jeno's sleeping face. He stares, aimlessly, not help but compare it to how it looks so similar to when he'd seen it last, his now blonde hair covering his eyes, his long eyelashes resting on his cheeks, his head tiled on Renjun's direction. So familiar and yet not.

Sighing, he looks away and eventually slips away in the middle of the night after checking that Donghyuck was fully asleep without his headphones on.

–

The next time he wakes up is when their pilot is announcing about their arrival and Donghyuck has to punch his arm multiple times to wake him up("you sleep like a sloth, we're about to arrive.")

He rubs his eye and scowls at Donghyuck having half the mind to tell him that it was his fault that he couldn't get enough sleep but he lets it be.

When they finally reach Donghyuck runs out of the airport leaving them behind and spreads his arms, taking a deep breath in, "the fresh air of Jilin, it's still cold though," he says, wrapping both hands around his body. They all laugh at him.

There were two vans that were parked for them. Without any organisation, him, Donghyuck, Jisung and Chenle get inside one van and Mark, Jaemin, Jeno, inside the other as well as the men who had accompanied them, one in each van.

Jaemin had already told them that it would take about one and a half hours – twenty minutes for them to reach his father's hotel, he had already decided how he would spend those hours. He secures his earphones in his ears and adjusts his neck pillow around his neck properly. He couldn't sleep, the scenery outside was too distracting for him, the greens, the sunlight shining a beautiful shade of yellow and orange, the lampposts, all of that plus Carry Me Away, one of his favourite John Mayer song was softly playing through his earphones making everything look serene, he falls asleep like that.

True to Jaemin's words, they reach after an hour and a half. The hotel was humongous and looked extravagant from the outside. It looked like a typical hotel that only very rich people could afford and he almost turned his toes to leave. They learned and he saw _Ziguangyuan hotel_ written in big Chinese characters, illuminated with royal yellow lights.

Beside him, he heard Donghyuck sigh, "as expected. Rich people." Jaemin just chuckled as two men dressed in informs came and fetched their luggage. "Come on, let's go in," Mark urged.

When they entered there was a man wearing a black suit, a very young face, probably in his mid-twenties. "Hello, welcome to _Ziguangyuan_ hotel," he said while bowing at a ninety-degree. "I'm Zhang Yixing, the current manager of this hotel. Please expect a comfortable stay," he says before bowing the same way again.

He feels a nudge on his arm and turns to his side at Jisung, "what is he saying?" He feels confused for a second before realizing then that the manager had introduced himself in Chinese. "Ah–" he begins but Yixing beats him to it by apologizing and re-introducing himself all over again in Korean that sounds a little mispronounced but with proper grammar. Jisung let's out a breathless _wow._ Wow indeed.

"We currently have only four rooms empty right now, the others are sadly full," Yixing said, the Korean rolling off his mouth. Remjun looks around the hall, the hotel was extremely huge but the main hall was empty save for the lady who was sitting with many keys of different rooms.

"I would kindly request you to please cooperate and think accordingly to suit your fashion." He draws his attention back to Yixing talking. "What is he saying?" Donghyuck mutters under his breath when Yixing left. "He's probably telling us to choose partners and share rooms," Mark mumbled, "okay then, let's choose who we're going to share rooms with," he said turning around to face them.

"I'm sharing with _Jisungie,"_ Donghyuck said while pressing his cheek against Jisung's who failed at trying to move him, sighing and giving up. "Okay then, I'll share a room with Chenle," Mark said. Jaemin faced Renjun and smiled, "then _Lenjunnie_ and I can be roommates." He was honestly okay with it. "Okay then, I'll have a room to myself," Jeno said nonchalantly.

"Oh no, I never thought of that," Donghyuck exasperated and then started whining, "I want a room to myself. Hey, guys let's rock, paper, scissors on it." Mark laughed, "now we've all chosen, let's just let it be."

They were all given keys to their respected rooms and surprisingly they all had rooms on the same floor, his and Jaemin's room was opposite Mark and Chenle's and adjacent to Donghyuck and Jisung's while Jeno's room was adjacent to Mark and Chenle's. They had the entire floor to themselves.

Saying that the rooms too were huge was an understatement. The had the complimentary suite, something that Renjun had never seen in real life. It had a drawing-room, a small kitchen, two different rooms with washrooms inside. Renjun realized that his mouth was open when Jaemin closed it by placing it beneath his chin, laughing and entering the room towards the left leaving him with a "let's all gather together at six."

–

When they gather down together in the café of the hotel, they order some drinks with Renjun and Chenle's help.

Jaemin interrupts Mark telling them a story of how once Jaemin, Jeno and him had once stolen a basketball from a store because Jeno's mother had confiscated their's, the last time they had come to Jilin. "Guys listen. Now that we're here and since most of you haven't been here before, Mark, Jeno and I, we shall introduce you to our Jilin gang," he says this while smirking at Mark and Jeno.

"Oh yeah, we're all going to have so much fun," Renjun smiles looking at Mark's enthusiasm. "This is most excited I've seen him in a while," Donghyuck pipes in and Mark traps him in a headlock again.

–

At night, they all return to their rooms. Jaemin asks Renjun to help him make something for them to eat. They decide on pancakes.

"So, you three are very close?" Jaemin looks up from making his mixture of batter. "Who? Ah, me, Mark and Jeno?" He chuckles a little, "we've known each other since we were five, grew up in the same neighbourhood." Renjun nods his head, leaning his elbow on the counter, watching Jaemin work with the batter.

"You all keep coming here then?" Renjun asks again. "My father really likes China. A lucrative market, you know, for business and I always have to travel along with him so I bring those two around with me." He then laughs, "just thinking about all the things that we've done, _ooff."_ It pipes up Renjun's curiosity. He looks at Renjun, "don't worry, we'll do many things here too."

Jaemin ends up burning his pancakes because he was too busy telling Renjun about all the times him, Mark and Jeno had come to Jilin. The "stories" are mainly filled with them playing pranks on random people along with a few other friends that they had here, apparently Koreans too who were just living in Jilin.

"Trust me when I tell you, they're crazier than us. And that, my friend, is saying something," Jaemin says, in between taking bites from Renjun's pancakes, the burnt batch of pancakes discarded inside the trash can.

It makes Renjun happy. He doesn't feel alone and hearing all these stories from Jaemin makes him feel like he was a part of their shenanigans.

"So, tell me Renjun- _ssi_ , you were born in China right?" Renjun nods his head. "So which part of China?" Renjun finishes chewing the last bite of his pancake, "here."

Jaemin starts coughing as soon as he hears it. Renjun hands him a glass of water. "Here– why didn't you tell us?" Jaemin asks a little bewildered. Renjun laughs a little at his expression before shrugging. "It's not a big deal, I moved out when I was very young. I don't even remember this place."

"So, how were the pancakes?" He tries to change the topic because he knows, one thing might be lead to another. "Really good. I didn't know you're such a good cook." If Jaemin catches on, he doesn't show it and neither does he press on for more.

They clean up and go to their separate rooms. "Goodnight _Renjunnie,_ don't let the bed bugs bite," Jaemin sing-songs making Renjun laugh again, "goodnight to you too Jaemin- _ssi_."

He enters his room and scans it better. It is quite big, with all the necessary things that you'd require plus more, one high bed, a small bed-side table, a desk and chair with a shelf right on top of it with many books, a small wardrobe and big window on the opposite side of the bed with carpeted floors.

Renjun quickly empties his suitcase and places its things in their respectful places. After doing so he plops on his soft, bouncy bed, curling up against a pillow and drifting off to sleep immediately.

–

The chain of events starts from their second day in Jilin.

It starts like every ordinary day. Renjun wakes up, a little shocked by his surroundings before realising that he had indeed come to Jilin with six other boys from his school. He goes to his washroom and washes himself up.

When he comes out of his room and flinches after seeing his living room packed with the said six boys, being noisy. "Oh, Renjun's here," Jisung says and it's followed by silence, of them just staring at him before they start talking altogether and he has to shift his eyes from one person to another, confused as to who he should listen to first.

He eventually raises his hand making all of them stop. "One person," he says, lifting his index finger. Mark walks behind him, pushing his back towards the kitchen. "None of us knows how to cook and Jaemin told us that you made killer pancakes yesterday," Mark rambles on till they reach the kitchen. "Please cook breakfast for us _Renjunnie."_

Renjun almost wants to laugh at how earnestly Mark is trying to convince him. "Okay," he says easily. "Okay? What, really?" Mark looks so shocked that Renjun thinks it's cute. He laughs, "yes Mark, it's just pancakes."

Turns out, cooking pancakes, for seven hungry stomachs. Not easy.

They all eventually end up helping him, making a big mess of the kitchen starting with Jisung making the big mistake of throwing some dry flour on Donghyuck's face.

–

They clean up and make a plan of going out. "But where exactly?" "Yeah, Chenle's right. Where will we go?" Mark smiles, looking at Jaemin and Jeno. "Boys, where will we not go?" He says that and gets up brushing his pants. "The time, six-thirty pm. Dot at eight pm, we shall meet at the parking lot. Dress adequately." He says while pointing at the clock hanging on the wall.

Somewhere from beside him, Donghyuck scoffs, "and you all call me the dramatic one."

Jaemin, Jisung, Chenle, Donghyuck and he gather around first. They all turn up dressed in casual clothes when Jaemin gets a text from Mark. "So, change of plans. _Markus_ Lee and Jeno Lee have already reached to the destination so we'll have to go ourselves. Lucky for you lot that you have me," he jokes, waiting for a reaction but no one laughs. "Okay, alright. We gotta catch a bus to _en route."_

It takes them fifteen minutes to reach and he had to sit beside Donghyuck("why do I always get paired with you?" Rolling his eyes, he huffs and sits beside Renjun.)

"When you said "destination" you meant this?" They just stand and stare at the huge house/mansion in front of them. "Are you for real?" Renjun looks to the side and sees all of their mouths hanging open, except Jaemin's, who looks satisfied, "welcome, to the infamous, Jung Jaehyun's house," he says before walking ahead with his hands inside his jeans pocket and all of them follow wordlessly.

Renjun should have known better than to enter a stranger's house. And that to not an ordinary, _come-and-just-meet-me_ house, but a house where just ten steps away from the entrance you could hear music banging from inside. He enters the house anyway. They enter and the first thing he sees is darkness with small lights here and there, either bulb hung on the walls or illuminating from, Renjun guesses, the kitchen.

The place smells like alcohol and cigarettes. No other way of describing it and it's packed with people and that makes Renjun feel a pang of anxiousness entering his body, awfully close to taking over.

"Oye, Na Jaemin!" Someone shouts from behind and they all search in the darkness to find a hand raised up in the air, waving way too furiously. "Oh, hey!" Jaemin responds with equal enthusiasm. The guy comes over to them doing a handshake with Jaemin. "How have you been, dude?" Said boy asks, "I've been great! Oh, Guys, This is Johnny. Johnny, this is Renjun, Donghyuck, Chenle and Jisung." "What's up?" He asks while giving all them a high-five, half-hug with a pat on their backs.

They keep talking and at this point Renjun stops paying attention instead, looking around to observe the place better. "Oh, by the way, the rest are here too. Along with Mark and Jeno." Renjun bucks up at the mention of Jeno's name.

Jaemin somehow manages to convince them into meeting the rest. Curse him and his smile.

It was just three of them. Johnny, Doyoung and Jaehyun. Jaehyun, Renjun learned, was a lot liked Johnny just a little bit closed off. But Doyoung was completely different. If he had to guess Doyoung's role in their group, it would probably be the mother of the group, always stopping Johnny and Jaehyun from doing stupid or preventing them from going overboard with the drinking. He liked all of them but he decided that he liked Doyoung a tad bit more when he greeted them with the warmest and gummiest smile.

He eventually did find himself a quiet and secluded place. The balcony was small and very welcoming. He sat there, staring outside at the greens what he could guess was the backyard. He heard some shuffling and before he could turn around to see Jaemin came beside him and sat there, mimicking Renjun's position.

"So, what do you think about them?" He looked over at Jaemin before answering, "I like them, they're nice." He startled a little when Jaemin abruptly turned towards him with a glint of excitement in his eyes. "I promise I won't tell anyone. Who's your favourite?" Renjun scoffed at that. "I don't have a favourite," he lied.

"Oh come on," he started whining. "Ah, okay, okay, okay." Jaemin smiled, leaning in expectedly. "The three of them are very sweet and full of life but if I had to choose one, it would probably be Doyoung." Jaemin's face falls, _"ehhhh,_ seriously? Why?"

"I don't know. Maybe because he gives me a warm feeling and he seems very kind," he answers. Jaemin starts laughing, "kind– okay he might be kind but seriously he's not all that he seems to be. He too has this crazy side to him. You should see," Jaemin says as a matter of fact.

–

Jaemin tries to convince him to come along with him to join everyone else but he eventually gives up and leaves after Renjun gives him the poor excuse of feeling claustrophobic. When in reality, how could he explain it to someone he barely knows. How would he explain that It's excruciating to be in a place where there are _so_ many people and how he feels like all eyes are just solely on him. It's so quiet here. He doesn't hear the footstep, too lost in his own thoughts.

"Renjun?"

He almost feels like he's hearing things but then when he turns, it is indeed Jeno standing near the stairs. His eyes shift to the girl standing next to him, a hand around his arm. Jeno follows his movement till an expression of realisation drapes over his face, "oh, this is Mina my..." Jeno looks at her then, the word hanging off his mouth.

_His?_

Without thinking much he gets up from his sitting position and offers a hand, "Renjun," he gives her his best smile which she returns while shaking his hand. He glances at Jeno who is already looking at him. He clears his throat for the lack of words, "I'll be heading down with the others," he doesn't know who he says that to but without a second thought he surges down the stairs with his ears thrumming, trying to block any sound from upstairs.

When he reaches down he spots Donghyuck with a red plastic glass clasped in his hand. He looks down at his hand and then up at Renjun, "beer–" he doesn't hear what Donghycuk says after and just grabs the glass and empties the drink in one go. Donghuck just stares when he returns the glass back. "Where did you get that from?" He asks, wiping his mouth off the excess.

"U-um. _Kitc..hen,"_ he says pointing a weak finger towards the left. Renjun looks at him for some time, concerning. He already looks drunk.

The kitchen is, empty. It comes as a surprise to Renjun but he quickly starts towards the fridge. He takes out a bottle of beer and drinks some of it. He doesn't even know why he's feeling this sudden urge to just drown himself. To just get relinquished.

He starts feeling drowsy after finishing that one bottle.

He closes his eyes, sitting on the countertop of the kitchen and tries to blank out his brain. "Yo, you good?" He doesn't open his eyes, doesn't feel like opening them so he just lets out a soft _hm._ He hears Jaemin shuffle and that's when he opens his eyes. Jaemin is crouched down in front of the fridge, probably looking for something to flush on. "Have you seen Jeno by any chance?" Jaemin asks, still searching through the fridge.

_Who?_

_Right._

"Uh, yeah he's with some girl. Mina? I think. I'm not sure," he says, placing a hand on his temple. Jaemin gets up from his crouched position and looks at Renjun. "Mina?" He only nods, Jaemin nods back, looking down somewhere close to Renjun's feet, thinking. "Why?" He blurts out before he could change his mind.

"Nothing." He goes back to rummaging through the fridge.

There's silence in the atmosphere. He keeps thinking and thinking. "Jaemin, who is Mina?" Because he wants to know. Renjun was never a nosy kind of person but for some reason, he wants to know. It's plain curiosity.

Jaemin doesn't say anything for thirty-seconds then he keeps the bottle of beer he had finally found, on the counter next to Renjun. "It's not my place to disclose Jeno's personal life. You should probably ask him if you want to know that bad." He's not used to this Jaemin at all. He looks dismal.

"Jaemin where's Jeno–" Donghyuck comes in and talks so loudly that both Jaemin and he flinched. "Why do I'll look like that?" He comes inside and looks behind himself to check if anyone else was watching. He's definitely drunk. Jaemin leaves after grabbing his beer. Donghyuck raises his head as if asking _what happened?_

"Who's Mina?" Donghyuck perks up, eyes wide at the mention of her name. "Who told about her?" Donghyuck says eyeing him suspiciously. "Jeno's with her right now."

"This idiot," Donghyuck mutters under his breath. "Hyuck," he grabs Donghyuck's by his arm, "who's Mina?"

Donghyuck tsks. "Jeno, he used to– or still does, have these phases. I don't know maybe because of stress or family problems and he used to try these ways to divert himself. There were many more before this and Mina was one of them, she also was the girl he was with when they last came here. She liked him way too much but Jeno hadn't, he didn't know and when she had found out that he was leaving she was heartbroken." Donghyuck looks down at shoes, "she was a mess, Mina. And since then he had been doing alright but now again."

Donghyuck finally looks at him but with wide eyes, "I said way too much," he again mutters something about being stupid and not keeping anything in, under his breath but Renjun doesn't catch it properly. "Promise me you won't tell anybody?"

–

It's late when they decide to leave. The party hadn't finished Doyoung had already informed them that Jaemin, Mark and Jeno would stay with them and so they decide to leave on their own. Because it was so late, they had to book an Uber.

His room was dark when he had unlocked it with his card.

He padded towards his kitchen. It would be so nice if he could just forget his conversation with Donghyuck and now the only thing circulating in his mind was

Jeno and Mina.

_Jeno and Mina, in Jaehyun's house._

Mentally telling himself to get a grip, sighing in defeat and tapping the top of his chest where his heart was to calm it down.

–

It was past midnight when he had stirred awake, realizing that he had fallen asleep on the dining table of the kitchen. He rubbed his eyes off sleep, trying to adjust his eyes to the darkness and then makes his way to the counter to drink a glass of water to sober himself.

He would've flinched, probably even screamed if he hadn't recognised the cologne of the person who had snaked his hands around his waist. "Jeno." His voice came out unintendedly mixed with confusion. "Why are you here?"

_Aren't you supposed to be with Mina?_

It goes unsaid. He doesn't know how he's even being able to talk.

He felt chills running through his arms when a pair of hot lips land against the cold of his nape. He rests his hands on either side of the counter, trying to subtly move his head forward to escape.

_Escape what?_

_This Jeno._ His brain supplied.

This, _four months before_ Jeno.

He slowly turned Renjun around, by his shoulders. The dark always makes him look like this, excruciating, his eyes shine against the darkness of the room. So similar to last time. He brackets Renjun by putting both his hands on either side of the counter and he's so, so _close_ that Renjun thinks he might pass out from how hard he's holding his breath.

"Why are you here?" He asks, barely whispering with the little bit of courage that he has. He licks his lips, Jeno's eyes follow the movement and Renjun feels like he could just die.

He inches his face towards Renjun's very slowly and Renjun again feels the same kind of feeling that felt back then on the roof. The same one that he felt the last time they were together.

The kiss is different than the last one. Very slow yet bruising. Jeno lifts his hand and cups his face, angling it better and he kisses him even deeper. This is it. Renjun whimpers. Jeno opens his eyes and looks at him as if asking him a question. Renjun looks down at his feet and nods.

Jeno reconnects their lips and this time Renjun wraps his hands over his shoulders, closing his eyes, remembering the last time they were doing the same thing. He gets a nagging feeling at the back of his head but he decides to ignore it again.

He prays that wouldn't remember this but for now, he relishes on it.

Jeno lifts him up, without disconnecting their lips and leads them towards his room.

Renjun is again yet to solve the mystery that is Jeno.

And then the night is just filled with hands, lips and bruises.

–

Renjun doesn't sleep. Jeno, with his back towards him, lying on the edge of the bed only with his jeans on and nothing else. He knows he's going to leave in a couple of minutes.

"Why did you come back?" He asks turning on his face towards the back of Jeno's head. He knows Jeno isn't sleeping, his back is tensed but he eventually relaxes his shoulders and finally turns to face Renjun. "I came here before you."

Renjun gets up and rests his back against the headboard of his bed. "Yes but _why?"_

Jeno follows him and rests his back against the bed too. "Just, wasn't feeling well," he says, looking at his fingers. He then gets up, removing the blanket off of his body and finally picking up his shirt from the floor, wearing it. He gazes at Renjun casually while putting on his jacket.

Renjun averts his face first to check the time. It's almost five in the morning. He gets up from the bed, wears his shirt too and shuffles towards his kitchen, setting the kettle with water to make coffee. Then he grabs four slices of bread putting butter on them and setting them on the toast maker.

They again eat in silence. Jeno, rushing to finish his breakfast while Renjun is still nibbling on his first toast, thinking about whether this _thing_ that they have would be going on. Jeno finishes but waits for Renjun to finish too.

He waits in front of the door as Jeno wears his shoes. When he's done he gets up from the floor and stares at Renjun with alarm. Renjun raises his brows in question.

Jeno points a finger towards his face, "blood."

Renjun touches his nose and sees red adorning his fingers. He curses under his breath and scurries to his washroom, grabbing a tissue and putting it against his nose, lifting his head up. He sees Jeno standing by the door of the washroom, looking concerned and it makes Renjun feel decent.

"It's okay, I get these a lot," he tries to reassure him, leaning his back on the cold marble wall of the washroom. Jeno still looks concerned, lifting his hand but thinking better of it. He's about to leave when Renjun hears the front door click open. Both of them look at each other in unison when they hear Jaemin calling out for Renjun.

Renjun, thinking quickly, grabs the sleeves of the Jeno's black jacket and pulls him inside the already tiny washroom, locking the door.

He hears Jaemin enter his room and then leaving. He let's go of the breath that he was holding onto before catching a glimpse of Jeno's face. He looks at his hand, quickly letting go of his sleeve and putting his index finger on his lips, gesturing him to keep quiet.

He then slowly unlocks the door and peeks his head out of his room. After seeing the first room and the kitchen empty he goes back to washroom and gestures for him to come out. They both walk slowly, avoiding to make any sound and Renjun finally leads him out the front door.

When Jeno finally leaves, he leans his back against the door. He takes out the tissue from his nose, drenched in blood and sighs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter that inspired the entire fic, I listened to Tamino's sun may shine while writing this
> 
> **warning:** mild blood

He feels a hand on his face.

No, he feels multiple hands on him. He slowly opens his eyes staring at the multiple faces hovering over his. So many voices talking at the same time.

"Wait, wait. Dude, I think he's finally opening his eyes."

_Mark?_

"Oh my god. Doyoung's been crying the entire day over you."

_Donghyuck?_

"...so that's it." He hears this voice very faintly but he still recognizes this voice.

_Jeno_.

He grabs his temple, trying to recall whatever had happened that lead to this.

–

It was eight in the morning when he heard a loud bang from somewhere. Renjun was an extremely light sleeper and because of that, his eyes shot open as soon as he had heard the sound.

When he hears it again, with a clearer conscious he decides to follow it. Reaching the living room, he sees Jaemin and Mark just standing awkwardly in the middle of the room as if they were doing something but had suddenly been caught.

"Hey," Mark just simply says with a sheepish grin on his face.

"What are you two up to?" He says, chuckling and drawing closer to them to see.

"Nothing." They both say in unison. Renjun raises his eyebrows but drops the topic. Deciding not to be inquisitive.

–

They all gather at the café.

"So, the three of us," Mark says gesturing his hand towards himself, Jaemin and Jeno, "we're wondering if you guys wanted to hang with Jaehyun, Johnny and Doyoung today?"

He honestly wouldn't mind. But now whenever he hears any of their names, it reminds him of his night with Jeno.

He wouldn't mind. He honestly wouldn't.

But whenever he looks at Jeno, he remembers it. And Jeno, he always acts distant. Like as if they have nothing going on. Nothing. Just mere acquaintances.

It doesn't bother Renjun that much though. He decides not to get affected by it because it's his fault too.

It wouldn't do anything for them if he denied that it wasn't his fault.

But they do end up making a plan of visiting them because Renjun doesn't want to the odd one out and deny. So he just nods his head and hopes for the best.

–

"So, have y'all heard about graffitis? Johnny has this glint in his eyes that Renjun can't seem to bring himself to look away from.

" Yeah! I'm a graffiti enthusiast!" Jisung says raising his hand and jumping excitedly from where he's sitting, beside Chenle.

They're currently all in Jaehyun and Doyoung's small and cosy shared apartment. Some of them scattered on the carpeted floor and some, sitting on the sofa.

"We do this every year without getting caught," Jaehyun says as he takes out a big folded paper and Donghyuck gasps when it shows an entire map of all the places in Jilin.

"Is this what I think this is? It's an entire map." Jisung says, awestruck.

"Yeah, no shit, genius," Donghyuck mutters but looks as awestruck as Jisung.

"So, we're gonna try covering as many places as possible–"

"And do what exactly?" Chenle interrupts.

Johnny leans towards them and they automatically lean ahead too. "We're going to cover as many government places as possible with spray paint."

–

Renjun knew about China's politics and he knew the unfair treatment flared onto its people.

So he understood quickly when Doyoung was explaining it to them. "We're going to spread messages through our graffitis. They don't have to be anything in specific. You all know about the world's matters right? It'll be more like spreading awareness to all the people. Kind of like our own small protest."

"But does the public show support?" Renjun had to ask.

"Oh the people, they love us. Why do you think we haven't been caught yet? We've been doing this for the past three years."

They had marked out all the places

"Okay, let's get divided into teams in accordance to the person with knowledge of the places." Jaehyun starts, "so, Jisung, Johnny and Chenle; Mark and Jaemin; Donghyuck, me and Doyoung and lastly,"

_Oh god._

"Jeno and Renjun."

He steals a glance at Jeno who was already glancing at him for a second before averting his eyes and shrugging.

They all had thankfully been wearing dark enough clothes and had been carrying their masks. Doyoung and Jaehyun had provided them with caps and bucket hats as the only addition.

Sharp at half-past midnight, they all had gotten inside a van that would drop them to their respective destination. Had it been just regular painting on the walls just for the purpose of being delinquents, he would have immediately backed out but the whole idea of exposing social evils through graffitis and spray paints made Renjun feel a tone of enthusiasm and restlessness.

They all take turns. The van drops them in one place and they all scatter around like that. Renjun just follows Jeno as they run, hiding in the shadows of the huge buildings and alleyways.

Renjun's heart was thrumming through his chest and he felt adrenalin coursing through his body.

When they finally reached the building they were looking for, Renjun drops the heavy backpack, just like they had been told. But the backpack collides with the floor with a loud _clank_ because of all the metallic cans of spray paint. Jeno turns his head towards Renjun, wincing at the sound and for some reason, Renjun feels funny when he gets to see Jeno winching like that. And as blundered as it sounds, he takes joy in it.

Jeno takes out the spray paint can and shakes it well before looking Renjun from under his black cap and pointing a finger towards his mask. Then he starts casually spraying the paint on the wall of the building. The black adorns the white of the wall and before he knows it, Jeno finishes his drawing.

Renjun moves a little back to see the. It's just a black figure but he can make out that it's that of a girl and beside it, _'#missing1998’_ written very simply but it holds a deeper meaning that everyone knows about but they choose not to talk about it. Renjun grabs a black spray too and starts spraying the thing that comes to his mind.

He finishes and observes his work. " _DON'T DESTROY WHAT YOU CAN'T CREATE_ ," in double inverted commas and lastly, to add more dimension, he finishes it off with a small _'HRJ'_ his initials towards the right-hand side of the quote.

Jeno draws small doodles here and there and then Jeno's jogging backwards, looking at him before turning ahead and running, prompting Renjun to run along. They leave, looking back every now and then to check if someone was watching them.

Their next location, under a bridge which was supposedly located very close to their previous location. But after running for a few minutes, the exhaustion finally starts getting to Renjun. He tries to ignore it and not be a bother to Jeno but now, he was beginning to feels like his legs would give out.

"Jeno, Jeno, slow down." He says panting heavily, holding onto his knees. They were standing in the middle of nowhere the streets were completely quiet but that really didn't bother him.

Jeno stopped and checked around then he grabbed onto his arm. "Just a little more," Jeno assures, to which Renjun nods, looking at him and they continue, albeit in a treading manner. When they finally reach, he sits down, resting his back against the wall of the bridge. He sees Jeno staring at him, "sorry, my immunity..." he says, scratching the back of his head, trying to hide his embarrassment.

Jeno chuckles and Renjun's breath gets caught in his throat. _He chuckles._ And it sounds and looks so good, with his blonde hair peeking out from the front of his black cap and his all-black attire with his black body fitting leather jacket. He doesn't know why he's suddenly disbursing so much attention to Jeno.

It's probably the adrenaline. Or it's probably because he hears him chuckling like this for the first time.

He shakes his head and buries his head into his knees. "Are you alright?" Jeno must have noticed. He mentally curses, nods but doesn't move his head, not wanting to show his flushed face.

Renjun stays in that crouched position until he hears the sound of spraying. He looks up. Jeno's back with his mask on, that look of tranquillity. Renjun bites back a sigh and gets up, dusting his jeans to look at what Jeno was working on. It's simply a quote, _"LOVE IS UNIVERSAL"_ in bubble text with different colours.

Just when he was about to tell Jeno about his work both of them hear a faint shout. "Hey! Stop right there!" Two cops. Jeno turns, giving him a curt nod before making a run for it. He curses under his breath before grabbing the bag and running too in a different direction as Jeno.

" _So, what happens if, say, cops show up?" Jisung asks. "Good question," Doyoung replies, pointing at Jisung before continuing "we will use plan, Divide-And-Conquer. No matter the number of cops, you run for it. And you don't run together, you split places and look for a hideout and then you contact us. Lastly, when you see a clear coast, you contact us again." Jisung laughs nervously, "let's hope that no police brutality takes place." Doyoung laughs, patting Jisung's back, "the chances are close to none but still, keep your guard up at all times," Doyoung says, smiling reassuringly._

So, that was plan _Divide-And-Conquer._ They were using it now.

Renjun had no idea where he was going. The alley looked blurry. And he knows that it's not a good sign. He hears the footsteps of two people running behind him. He had both the cops behind him.

" _Have you all ever been chased by cops? Renjun asks, looking over at Johnny. "Oh, we have been chased by many but they never catch us._ "

Letting out a series of swears under his breath, a way of trying to calm his panic, he keeps running until two hands grab onto him pulling him towards them from the side.

Just when he's about to yelp, the same person puts a hand on his mouth to silence him. Then he gets a familiar gust of liquorice and he goes plaint against the arm holding onto him. He was so shocked and the image of him in prison startled him. The reassurance of someone familiar made him feel a sense of great relief.

When he looks up, he sees Jeno's face covered under the mask. He puts a finger over his mask asking him to be quite. Renjun, for lack of energy, just nods, the feeling of lightheadedness, he drops his head and it collides against Jeno's chest.

He scratches his nose. The last thing he sees is Jeno's worried eyes, cause that's the only thing he can see, and then he moves his eyes towards his fingers, covered in blood and then black.

–

He opens his eyes and sees his black jacket discarded on a chair that he doesn't recognise.

"....you feeling?" He looks at the direction of the voice. Mark was hovering over him. He wants to say _good_ but makes a muffled sound instead, finding difficulty in talking. "Oh, no, it's okay Ren, don't talk. Just rest okay? I'll let the others know that you're awake."

Soon, after some time he hears footsteps and people barging in through the door. "Oh my God, Renjun. How are you feeling?" Doyoung asks, worry laced in his voice. "I told you, he just gained his conscious, can you let him rest?" Mark interrupts. The way Mark says it, Renjun finds it very amusing. "M'fine. Thanks, guys." He says, still not having the energy to open his eyes.

"Oh god, I actually thought you died or something." _Has to be Donghyuck_.

"Shut it. What's wrong with you, stop saying stuff like that," Doyoung whizzes.

"Okay guys, I guess we should let Renjun rest for the day," he hears Mark saying. He assumes that he must be in Mark and Chenle's room.

When he hears the footsteps leaving the room and the soft click of the lock, he sighs and shifts a little to lie comfortably on the soft mattress that smelled awfully familiar. _Mark's cologne,_ he thinks.

"You good?" He hears Mark ask to which he hums. "Let me know when you're hungry." He nods his head and drifts off to deep sleep.

–

When he wakes up next, he feels a lot better.

Looking to his right, he sees outside the window. It was dark. He wonders how long he was asleep.

He startles as soon as he hears a creaking sound. He sits and sees someone coming out of the washroom. He feels confused when he sees Jeno coming out. The tips of his hair wet, and face flushed.

"How are you feeling?" That's the first thing that he asks. "Better," Renjun replies after a moment of just wordlessly gaping. "What are you doing here?"

"You ask that a lot," Jeno says, not in a rude way while rubbing his hair with the towel. Renjun averts his eyes after realizing what he meant. Jeno looks at him for some time, clutching onto the towel. "Want something to eat?" He finally asks. Renjun looks at him, tiredly and nods his head once.

Jeno leaves the room for some time and Renjun lies back down on the mattress. He shifts and buries his head onto the pillow before putting his head up, realizing that the smell was not Mark's cologne after all.

He makes his way to the living room and sees Jeno cooking something in the kitchen. He looks good like this, Renjun thinks. With just a black loose shirt on, his blonde hair, wet and askew.

He usually tries his best not to think about his nights with Jeno. But it gets difficult to ignore it. He starts recalling it on random occasions like whenever all of them would be sitting on the sofa, Jeno would be leaning forward to grab something and Renjun would catch a glimpse of his veiny hand or when Jeno would be standing too close to him or he would passing by him, even his cologne. Renjun gets to know that Jeno's nearby just by catching a whiff of his cologne, that bright, summery scent with a central note of fresh liquorice.

It's distracting, to say the very least.

And now. Out of all times, he had to remember it now. Just when the two of them happen to be alone.

He makes his way to Jeno, thinking about the nights that they had spent together and how much he craved it. He wraps his hands around Jeno's waist, as his thoughts overflow him. Jeno stiffens but makes no effort of removing Renjun's hands. He exhales shakingly, nuzzling his face against Jeno's nape and he catches the little bumps rising on Jeno's arms.

Just as he's about to let go, Jeno catches both his hands and turns them around. Renjun's back hits against the edge of the counter. The same thing that happened last time.

One look on Jeno's face, his eyes are way darker. Jeno bends his head down and starts trailing kisses on his neck, Renjun sucks in a deep breath, moving his head to the side and bringing a hand so that it's holding onto one of Jeno's arms. "You're not well," he whispers against Renjun's neck while pushing him more against the counter. His fingers slipping beneath Renjun's shirt, brushing his sides.

"Why does your nose bleed so often?" Renjun doesn't answer, instead, he holds onto Jeno's nape, bringing him down and kisses him. Jeno runs his tongue under his lower lip and Renjun gasps softly at the different sensation, Jeno had never kissed him like this. But he nevertheless opens his mouth to let him in.

When they part, a string of saliva connecting their lips, Jeno licks it. Renjun would have found that disgusting but he just stares at Jeno's lips, not being able to make out of this new inkling fervour. He kisses him once again, then again and then again deeply, fisting onto his black shirt.

"Slow down, slow down," Jeno whispers. He lifts Renjun up and settles him on the counter before continuing to kiss him.

Renjun lets Jeno guide him back towards his room. Opening the door and locking it before stumbling against the door with Renjun's back on it. Even in the darkness, Jeno finds Renjun's lips but doesn't kiss him, just stays like that, as if contemplating something.

Renjun feels it. The hesitation.

"Jeno," he whispers very softly, not wanting to raise his voice. He moves back to get a look at Jeno's face properly in the darkness, he looks..troubled. His brows furrowed, a confused expression on his face as he stares at Renjun and Renjun starts wondering whether he did something wrong. It was moments like these when he wished he knew Jeno better.

He's about to let go of Jeno when he unexpectedly, cups his cheeks and kisses him, soft and lingering, he then takes a hold of both of Renjun's hands and lifts them up, caging them against the wall.

–

Renjun knows. He knows Jeno is facing him, staring at him as he pretends to be asleep. A hand comes up, brushing his bangs, that was tickling his face, out of his eyes. Renjun tries his best not to flinch away or get startled at the sudden touch but he eventually gives up and opens his eyes.

Jeno freezes midway and quickly retract his hand as if it had singed.

They both just stare at each other's face, trying to make out of what had happened today. Because Renjun knows that _today_ was different. And he also knows that Jeno felt it too.

Maybe it was because of the events that took place today, from them almost getting sent to some delinquency camp to everyone thinking that Renjun was dead.

It's overwhelming. Renjun suddenly remembers his conversation with Donghyuck at the night of the party.

_

It was probably their sixth day. Or maybe the seventh, Renjun had lost count.

These few days, he was told to stay inside. Donghyuck had threatened him and Jaemin, accompanied by the rest, would every now and then cook food for him, asking him if he's doing okay. He would always reply with positive assurance.

There would be days when he would stay alone at their room and the others would go out. He would stay alone, buried in his thoughts. Seeking.

Seeking for...something.

Today also, he was sitting on his bed, just thinking about all the six boys as well as Johnny, Doyoung and Jaehyun. He was thinking about how in just these past couple of days, they're the closest thing to a family that he's ever had.

_Family._

He sighs and falls back on his bed, closing his eyes, trying to stray his mind off the thoughts of family. The family that was supposed to be with him.

He puts both his hands up, covering his eyes.

The door to his room clicks and he gets up a little. "Heyo Ren," Mark comes inside smiling at him, "what's up? How are we feeling today? He smiles back at Mark, nodding his head.

Mark is one of those people who just radiate this kind of energy, positive energy. Everyone wants to be around him and share that energy with him. He's like an older brother Renjun never had even though he's just a few months older than him.

"That's good, cause we have to go out tomorrow." Renjun furrows his eyebrows. "It's Johnny's birthday," Renjun makes an _ohh_ sound. "So let me know, okay? If you're not feeling well," he looks at Renjun with seriousness. Renjun laughs and nods his head a couple of times. _Family._

–

Mark doesn't leave, he stays. He and Renjun talk about a lot of things.

"Mark, why is Jeno always so distant?" They were in the middle of baking some cookies for the others before they came back and he had decided to take a break, sitting on the chair, watching Mark. "Hmm, I don't know, he's not good with new people I guess." He looks at Renjun then, "why? Did he do something to you?"

Renjun freezes at that before covering it up by coughing and grabbing a glass of water to drink, as an excuse. Mark chuckles a little, "It's okay, he might seem like he doesn't like you but in actuality, he's just not that open." Renjun just hums at that.

At night, when all it's quiet and everyone's asleep, Renjun thinks about Jeno. He dreams about Jeno and his grip on his blanket tightens.

–

His phone dings loudly in his washroom.

He rinses his mouth with water before grabbing it.

_Markanderson added you to 'travellers_ '

 **Sun:** are u kidding me

 **Nojaem:** someone got into it

 **Markanderson:** why, what's so bad in this?

 **Pwarksung:** im confused

 **Nojaem:** jisung-ssi it's a group chat

 **Ledolph:** this is fun

 **Ledolph:** also have you guys seen Jeno anywhere?

 **Markanderson:** yep, he went out with some of his other friends.

 **Sun:** this freak still uses punctuations

 **Markanderson:** @Sun basic punctuations*

 **Nojaem:** that introvert has friends other than us?

 **Hangjun:** hello

 **Sun:** oh hello renjun-ssi

 **Nojaem:** heyo leonjunnie

 **Markanderson:** sup, dude?

 **Ledolph:** hello my brother from another mother!

 **Pwarksung:** yo

 **Hangjun:** why is mark's username markanderson?

 **Sun:** long story my friend

 **Markanderson:** "sun," here made all our usernames. I'll tell you some other time.

 **Hangjun:** ah okay

 **Sun:** kill me

 **Markanderson:** gladly

 **Ledolph:** why what happened

 **Sun:** I can hear the people from downstairs because of how loud they are

 **Pwarksung:** really?

 **Pwarksung:** i can't hear anything though

 **Sun:** Yeah, that's cause they're right below my room

Renjun smiles as he reads the messages. He opens his chat with Yangyang and decides to text him too.

**You:** Yangyang

 **Yang(×2):** why

 **You:** how's everything there?

 **Yang(×2):** peachy

 **You:** oh okay that's nice

 **Yang(×2):** idiot. It's so boring here

 **Yang(x2):** when are you coming

 **You:** in six days

 **Yang(×2):** you must be having so much fun

 **You:** did aunt bother you?

 **Yang(×2):** nope

 **Yang(×2):** but I do know for a fact that she will very soon

He sighs, locking his phone and putting it on the bed. Thinking about his day ahead.

–

"Here, Yangyang, see."

" _I really can't, move it a little more towards the left."_

Renjun moves his phone more towards the right and laughs when he hears Yangyang's _tsk._

"Okay, okay, here. Better?"

_"Oh wow, that's beautiful."_

"I know, right?"

Out form his window, the view was beautiful. He was in awe when he had seen it on his first day and made a mental note of showing it to Yangyang too but because he was so busy that they never really got the chance to talk properly.

 _"I would love to live here_ ," he hears Yangyang's far off voice.

He turns his phone so that he could see him. "Let's go some time. Just the two of us. Once we make enough money." Yanyang looks comprehensive but smiles, nodding his head.

_"Yeah, let's!"_

_"But you're having fun right?"_

Renjun thinks about it. This is probably the most fun he's had. His attention reverts back to his phone when he hears Yangyang's laughter before realizing that he had said that out loud. " _That can't be. Remember when I came to pick you up from school? And we both were locked up in your home science lab?_ "

He remembers that clearly, how panicked both of them had felt. They had tried to gain the staff's attention by banging on the door but no one had come to their rescue. After a few more bangs, they both had given up and had eventually burst out laughing at the tragic event.

He smiles at the memory. _"How they missed two whole people is beyond me,"_ Yangyang says, laughing so hard that he had to wipe a stray tear gathered at the corner of his eye.

"Yep, definitely. Nothing tops that."

–

_16 unread messages from 'travellers'_

**Sun:** guys don't forget

 **Sun:** we have to go to Johnny's party

 **Ledolph:** who?

 **Ledolph:** oh yeah the tall guy

 **Sun:** rich people i swear to god.

 **Markanderson:** now who's using punctuations

 **Sun:** you

 **Pwarksung:** i don't think he likes me very much

 **Nojaem:** who

 **Pwarksung:** johnny

 **Markanderson:** he does, sungie

 **Markanderson:** we'll meet at the cafeteria. Okay?

 **Nojaem:** yessir

 **Pwarksung:** yes

 **Ledolph:** yuss

 **Sun:** hmm

 **Hangjun:** yep

 **Leeno:** okay

–

"Your nose bled again, right?"

He looks down at his beige t-shirt. "Oh," he says, looking down at the little red smudge on it. He hears Mark scoff, "I told you to tell me if you weren't feeling well." He walks till Mark's chair in the kitchen of his and Jaemin's room.

"It's not that big Mark, I get those a lot."

"Still dude. You gotta take care of yourself," Mark continues eating his noodles.

Renjun thinks of going to Mark and Chenle's room to hang out with the latter. He opens his door and gapes at Jeno. The boy was standing outside his door, hand in the air like as if he was about to knock. "Chenle's waiting for you," he says that and then leaves, heading towards the kitchen where Mark and Jaemin were.

"Renjun, instead of going to Chenle's let's just all meet at the cafeteria. We don't have anything good to eat anyway," Jaemin says coming out of the kitchen with Mark.

He hums in response and Jaemin tells Mark to text that on the group.

He sees Jeno making his way out from the door. "Where are you going?" Mark asks, staring at him. Jeno looks a little indecisive as he turns to face Mark "oh, to meet my friend." He says that and then leaves.

"Okay but don't be late for Johnny's birthday!" Mark reminds after him.

–

They decide to leave for Johnny's party a little later than the scheduled timing. He didn't know what to wear, so he went on with his instincts and decided to wear all black. And thankfully, his choice of clothing was quite similar to what the others were wearing.

The night had already settled.

They gathered in their usual cafeteria. "Yes, Renjun- _ssi_ are you feeling better now?" Donghyuck asks in that teasing tone of his. "Yes, I am," he replies with a bored expression on his face.

Jeno, Chenle and Jisung were the last ones to gather. His eyes automatically reach Jeno's, Renjun looks away instantly.

–

"Damn, Johhny's rich," Donghyuck whistles.

They catch a bus to the party. But they don't go to Johnny's house, as he had guessed. Instead, they stop at a different house, one that Renjun was positive, had to be a mansion, situated in the middle of nowhere. Green enclosing the place.

The party was typically the same as the one he had attended before. Just a bit more frenzied, with a lot more people, a lot more alcohol and a swimming pool.

While everyone else was busy getting drunk and talking to new people, Renjun was busy exploring the big house.

Jaehyun introduces him to a couple of people but his mind doesn't get put into it and Jaehyun eventually gives up. Afterall, Renjun wasn't good with people, to begin with.

After trying to explore the entire house, he comes across the swimming pool area that he been avoiding for so long because of how full it was. Renjun looks around to make sure that it was actually completely empty before stepping inside.

The area was huge, with many artificial sources of orange light. He takes his converse off, rolling the hem of his jeans and slowly setting his legs inside the pool, relaxing at the coolness of the water.

He relaxes, listening to the sound of the air and the water.

Maybe if he gives it a chance. Maybe, if he asks Jeno first.

He shakes his head as soon as the thought comes to his mind.

_But what's so wrong in trying?_

He looks up as soon as he hears someone. "Oh, you're up here." Doyoung enters with a smile plastered on his face and two bottles of soju. "You get this here too?" He says pointing at the bottles on Doyoung's hand.

"Well, yeah." Doyoung hands him a bottle, "even though you're underage but I guess we all have our influences, right?" Doyoung says dejectedly and that somehow doesn't settle with Renjun but he doesn't ask for further explanations, taking a sip from the bottle instead. "When did you have your first drink?" Doyoung chuckles, "when I was sixteen."

Renjun's eyes widen at how someone as proper as Doyoung would drink underage. "Surprising, right? It was because of those two, they forced me to drink saying stuff like, it doesn't matter and it's not a big deal and all that."

"You know, you're still young Renjun- _ah_. Don't waste your time on things that aren't worth your time, okay?" Renjun gulps, looking at the prints on his bottle instead. "Whatever opportunity you get, grasp it."

He looks at Doyoung with curiosity at the sudden solemnity in his voice, the latter's eyes far off, on the dark, starry sky. "Choosing the right type of people in life isn't always that important, sometimes it's just about letting loose of yourself and finding yourself." He flinches a little when Doyoung looks at him and he looks down at his bottle again, tearing his gaze from the wordless sky. "Don't ever be afraid of failure," he playfully nudges Renjun's shoulder with his elbow, making him look up again, "be afraid of guilt."

Renjun stares at Doyoung's back as he gets up and walks away, ruffling his hair a little. It is true. It's a known fact that being afraid of failure will get a person nowhere but it's so difficult to try something that you've been so hesitant about.

So he thinks about it. It shouldn't be so tough. _But it is,_ his brain supplies.

–

He does initially end up leaving the pool area but only to find a washroom. He spots Johnny, surrounded by people, his hand circled around a girl's waist. He thinks of leaving and giving them some privacy but Johnny spots him before he could make his way out, waving.

On his way to find the washroom, he spots Jeno. He wasn't alone, he was standing outside a room, with a girl. And when the girl turns around.

Mina.

He sees them conversing and then making their way inside a room.

Sighing, he continued to find his way to the washroom.

At this point, he shouldn't be surprised. Of course, there was a bathtub inside the huge ass washroom. And his alcohol-induced brain makes it seem okay to sit on it. So he does. He places both his legs in and sits comfortably inside the bathtub, looking outside the small window the was right next to it, staring at nothing in particular. Just his mind, full of thoughts and coming possibilities.

In the midst of his thoughts, he hears the door open. Alarmed, he turns and sees Jeno standing outside, looking as alarmed as himself. Renjun feels a weird feeling of deja vu as he thinks about how stupidly he had forgotten to lock the door.

But instead of leaving, Jeno steps inside, turning to place the latch above, locking the door.

He stares weirdly at Jeno as he steps his foot inside the bathtub and sits in front of Renjun, mirroring his position. "Are you an incubus?"

"Huh?"

Jeno looks beyond confused at the sudden burst of question. Renjun mentally slaps himself for asking something so stupid.

"Nothing," he replies, looking away.

There's a thick kind of unresolved tension in the air. Renjun becomes cautious of his every move even though Jeno's looking outside the small window that Renjun too was just a while ago.

After some time, his butt starts hurting and he brings both his knees up and encircling both his hands around them. Jeno copies him. He blinks a couple of times, looking at Jeno. It keeps ticking him off. "Why are you here?" He grimaces at the deja vu.

But Jeno just sighs and looks outside the window. "You can answer instead of ignoring." He hadn't meant to sound sudden but it was honestly bothering him to no end. Why was he here if he had to be with Mina? And even if he hadn't, why _here_ out of all places?

"I'll answer your question when you answer mine." Renjun looks at him and Jeno looks back. "What question?" He asks. "Why does your nose bleed so often?" Renjun furrows his brows. "I told you, I just get them often." Jeno doesn't look convinced at all. "Okay, okay I'll tell you, don't look at me like that." He shifts little to sit comfortably. "It happens when my body feels like it's exerting itself too much."

He stares at the birthmark on his hand before looking at Jeno. "I answered my question. Now your turn." His mind was so fuzzy that he had forgotten his own question. _Right, why was he here._ "Why are you here?" Jeno looks like he's avoiding his eyes. "Bored." Just that.

Renjun scoffs but doesn't say anything, resting his cheek against his elbow instead.

–

"Do you ever just feel like giving up?" He sees Jeno turning his head to glance at him from his peripheral. His heart tightens as those words leave his mouth. He hated sharing his ' _deep'_ thoughts with anyone.

For a long time, Jeno doesn't say anything. He too, like Renjun, just stares at the ceiling of the poorly lit room, lying on top of the bed. Renjun still had the decency of wearing his clothes back but Jeno, Jeno is just in his jeans.

"Depends on what you're giving up." Renjun turns himself sideways to face Jeno, the tips of his hair wet with sweat, matted onto his forehead, the beads of sweat running down his neck, face flushed, eyes droopy. Renjun sighs.

"Jeno." He turns his head to look at Renjun with furrowed eyes. "Do you ever feel like giving up," he pauses, thinking whether he should say his mind out loud, "on life?" Jeno's brows loosen up as he stares at Renjun with an expression that could be akin to softness.

"Sometimes."

He says it so simply, effortlessly, calmly. "How?" Renjun says his thoughts out loud. "Just, life is hard," he replies.

"Like a rock." Renjun thinks that he looks so dejected that he says the first 'funny' thing he could think of. But he hears Jeno chuckle and he decides that he likes the sound of it and wants to hear it more.

He also likes how it looks, like his eyes scrunch up and it looks so different from his usual cold demeanour. "Yep, like a rock, " he says, repeating Renjun with a hint of a smile still plastering his face.

Then Jeno is again looking at him with _that_ look on his face. The same look that Renjun has learned to read at such a short span of time.

Jeno moves closer to him and rests his head in the crook of his neck, tensing Renjun up like he usually does but doesn't move, instead, he hesitantly drags his hand towards his hair and cards his fingers through the damp blonde locks. He likes Jeno like this when he's not being so distant and frigid.

There's an invisible barrier that none of them crosses, without verbally agreeing to it. It's like a silent agreement. But there are times when you're just so tired of all rules. No matter what aspect they are. Renjun understands that.

He understands how tiring it is and so he lets Jeno place his face on the crook of his neck. He lets himself card his fingers through Jeno's hair. He lets Jeno place a kiss on his neck. He lets Jeno hover over him once again. He lets Jeno kiss him once again, he lets him travel his hand down his jeans.

He lets Jeno take a little more of himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wear masks and maintain social distancing!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love and support!
> 
> **warning:** mild blood and implied bullying

"Why are you hiding here?"

Renjun jumps as soon as he hears the voice behind him. He turns to spot the culprit. Donghyuck.

_"Please_ be a little louder," he whisper-yells, voice seeped with sarcasm.

"Okay. Why are you hiding here?" He says louder and Renjun has to quickly scurry and places a palm on Donghyucks mouth. _"Shh,_ please. They'll hear you." He moves his hand and shifts a little behind the pillar of the garden so that he both him and Donghyuck have a good view but at the same time are well hidden.

"Why are you spying on Mark and Jaemin?" Donghyuck whispers without removing his eyes off them.

"I have a feeling, I've been onto them for quite some time," Renjun replies, thinking about how the two always look at each other, how they always try to find excuses to stay together.

"Mark and Jaemin?" Donghyuck makes a face at him which reads _impossible._ Renjun tsks, "yeah but I'm not sure."

Currently, they - both Mark and Jaemin are sitting on a little bench, reading something together and drinking some soft drinks.

It had all started because Renjun had nothing to do and had caught Mark teasing Jaemin and Jaemin had been blushing. Then he had started analysing everything in his head from their interactions to their behaviour towards each other.

Which, had eventually lead to this.

He averts his attention when both the culprits get up from their bench and leave ahead, presumably towards the front, to enter the hotel.

Renjun's face involuntarily falls, his hands circling around the pillar, leaning against it. "There's nothing going on between them. Stop or else they'll catch on your Sherlock Holmes behaviour and things will get awkward and uncomfortable for them."

Sometimes, he wonders where these type of knowledge and understanding comes from in Donghyuck's head.

–

"We'll be leaving in three days," he hums when Jaemin says that.

"We're running out of stuff to eat."

Jaemin looks up from the book that he was reading. "Really?" He makes his way towards the kitchen bending down in front of the fridge, just like Renjun was and staring at the scraps of food that was just discarded here and there.

"Oh, I guess we have to get something to eat then."

They go to the nearest convenience store and buy a couple of things for groceries.

It's rather big for a convenience store.

They buy whatever necessary stuff with Jaemin uselessly spending his money snacks and whatnots. ("We can survive without that." Jaemin looks at the packet of extra-large chips and then back at Renjun, "really? Are you _sure_ that we _don't_ need these?" He brings his face down, eyes staring at Renjun's face with interest. Renjun only sighs, giving up. "Take whatever you want.")

"Hey you know, we should go somewhere," Mark says looking up from some book he's reading, sitting on their living room. He practically lives here and Renjun still has his suspicion about him and Jaemin but he tries his best not to make it too obvious.

"Just the seven of us? Yeah, let's. But where?"

–

"Did you know that there's another hotel of my father's that has a hot spring?"

They all stop eating and stare and Jaemin who was in the middle of putting a spoonful of noodles inside his mouth but stops when he notices all eyes boring holes on him.

"You're telling us this now when we have only three days left?" Donghyuck pipes in. "Oh, I just lost all my appetite," he sighs, dropping his chopsticks inside the bowl dramatically.

"Stop being such a buzzkill, it's okay we can go tomorrow or today."

"Yeah, Chenle's right. We still have three days we can easily book it anytime we want. Stop dragging me, god," Jaemin says the last part under a whisper but only Renjun catches it so when their eyes meet, he smiles at him knowingly.

"So, you guys wanna go today?" Mark asks but only looking at Jaemin.

–

So they all agree to go after eating lunch.

The journey to the other hotel was extremely long plus Renjun was sandwiched between Donghyuck and Jeno so he tried to sit in a way that no part of his body was touching either of the two people beside him.

He didn't have much to do except looking ahead and every now and then glance at the rearview mirror.

Renjun had never been to a hot spring before. But the hotel was extravagant, even more than the one they were staying in.

"I already like this one more, why didn't we come here instead?" They all look at Donghyuck with a bored expression at his bluntness.

They were each given white robes and boxers to wear underneath. The place smelled like lavender and it was lit in such a way that it was dim but it looked alleviating.

They were told to maintain silence. They all had decided on being dividing themselves into threes and fours.

He had taken too long to change into his robes and boxers, knowing all too well that he would have to eventually let loose of the robe. He hesitated a lot before coming out, looking at his body in the mirror, grimacing at his reflection as his eyes roamed his form, from the narrowness of his shoulders to his abdomen.

Only Jeno and Donghyuck were standing outside when he finally decided to make his way out. He stared at them, keeping his eyes at Jeno a little longer. "You took too long so we already divided ourselves. The others are in the last one," Donghyuck pointed at the extreme corner of the narrow passage.

He just nodded and shifted awkwardly, waiting for the two to enter first. The place was small with a small pool in the middle and with warm vapour spread throughout the entire room from the water itself.

The guide had informed them about all the medical advantages of bathing in a hot spring. Everyone had been quite excited so Jeno and Donghyuck didn't hesitate in taking out their robes and settling inside.

Meanwhile, Renjun was standing, latching his hand on the opening of his robe.

Donghyuck looked up at him. "Aren't you coming? We have limited time," he said motioning for him to step inside.

He nodded slowly, looking at the water and the mist. He carefully made his way around the pool on the empty end and slowly removed his robe. Thankfully neither of them were looking at him as he entered the warm water.

The three of them were quietly enjoying the warmness of the water. Renjun rested his back against the edge, eyes closed, sighing as he dipped himself deeper almost sitting.

After a while the temperature had begun to rise, he felt it. It prickled his skin but it felt relaxing along with the pleasant smell.

"Guys I think I'm going to be heading out. The water is too hot for my liking." Donghyuck got up and left. Both Renjun and Jeno just stared at Donghyuck who had already made his way out.

_Oh no._

_Not this, again._

Jeno looked at him but averted his eyes calmly, closing them shortly after.

Renjun contemplated on leaving too. But then he would have to tell Jeno before leaving. He couldn't just leave without telling him, that would be too harsh. So he only dipped himself further into the water to hide his face.

After a while of just awkwardly sitting, the water finally cooled out and the small beeping sound filled the room. Renjun rushed out of the pool, struggling to put his robe on and scurrying out.

He sighed, calming the erratic beating of his heart. He closed his eyes, resting his back against the door. He finches after looking at his reflection. His body was completely flushed and sweaty. Grabbing a towel, he started dabbing the tips of his hair to let dry before turning on the shower, shivering a little at the coldness of it.

Coming out of the shower, he wiped himself off all excess water clinging onto his body. He steps out the washroom and changes his clothes.

While returning back to their hotel Renjun tells Mark to trade places with him and so he sits with Jaemin, Chenle and Jisung.

–

Renjun regrets a lot of decisions that he makes, this was one of them.

"Seriously, what was I thinking?" From behind him, he hears snickers. He turns around to face Mark and Jaemin who fail at straightening their expression.

"Haha very funny," he looks down at the star wars blade that Yangyang liked so much, he doesn't remember what it was called, a lightsaber? Anyway, they had gone to a mall when he had come across this box that had the star wars logo on it and a picture of the robotic guy holding the supposed blade that was supposed to be inside.

He was so excited about it and he had made sure to let Mark and Jaemin know about this excitement of his. Turns out that the supposed "blade" was actually just a balloon that would take the shape of the blade only if you infused air into it.

"Why am I always so unlucky?"

He only got sympathetic pats on his back.

–

If he was in his apartment right now, a typical holiday would usually be spent by him within the confines of his room, reading something online or doing something insignificant to spend his time.

Right now, he's sitting in the living room of his shared room with Jaemin, along with six other boys including Jaemin himself.

They had decided to call it day and just chill out with each other, three days before their eventful trip to come to an end.

They were all in Jeno's room as his one was the largest and they had never really hung out there.

All sprawled out on the sofa, some on the floor with bags of chips, some filled cans of Redbull, some discarded carelessly on the floor, some filled bottles of beer, some discarded. The huge, four inches long LED tv on. A movie, Eyes Wide Shut playing in the darkness of the room.

The movie is good, filled with lewd themes that Renjun would find uncomfortable watching with another person but with the half-empty bottle of beer in front of him, he feels a bit blithe, carefree - for an easier choice of words.

They all laugh when Donghyuck passes these comments on times Tom Cruise comes on the screen or whenever he does something commendable, no one can blame him, young Tom Cruise was really something.

It is in the middle of the movie when Jeno's phone rings and he excuses himself out into his balcony (yes, he had a balcony). And that somehow doesn't settle with Renjun, feeling the emptiness beside him.

He was getting a feeling of both relief and relentless. Relief, because he could now be loose and sit properly without being stiff and relentless...he didn't know why.

Maybe the fact that he was sitting next to Jeno and he could smell the fragrance of fresh liquorice which just reminds him Jeno so much.

So he did what he wouldn't have done if he was sober. He follows Jeno after a minute or two.

When he reaches the far end of the door, just enough to see the ajar door of the balcony, the whiff of something catches his nose.

Approaching, he opens the door properly and sees the smoke and a lit cigarette balancing between Jeno's middle and forefinger. He doesn't look back, maybe he doesn't notice. The cellphone clasped in his other hand, talking to someone.

He looks back when Renjun let's go of the door and it closes on it own. Jeno tires hiding the cigarette but abstain on the effort after he sees Renjun's face and he wonders what other secrets Jeno was hiding from his friends.

"What are you doing here?" He asks, letting go of the phone from his ear a little. "Hm, I'm here. No, just a friend," he says back to the person on the phone.

He looks at Renjun again. "Renjun, go back, it's cold."

He likes it when Jeno calls his name. He wouldn't admit that out loud but it sends these bolts of spark through his body.

Renjun stares at the back of his head, the clean dark-blonde undercut and his eyes roam Jeno's form.

The black loose shirt, grey sweats a bracelet around his wrist, the one that he's using to talk to whoever is on the other line.

He approaches Jeno without any uncertain steps, eyes on his hand. Reaching Jeno, he takes a hold of the cell. Jeno, surprised, turns around to gape at Renjun with an alarmed look on his face, hand still hovering over where he was previously holding his phone.

Renjun takes a glance at the caller's name and then looks at Jeno.

He feels this undefined sort feeling. It makes him feel restless as he looks at Jeno, he feels betrayed. He feels extremely betrayed as he hears Mina's voice from the other line, calling out Jeno's name.

He nears Jeno with tentative steps and kisses him with so much vigour and anger that Jeno stumbles back, slipping against the railing, hands finding its position on Renjun's waist.

Jeno detects it because Renjun knows that at the back of his mind, he _knows_ Renjun too. He can study Renjun too.

"Renjun," he tries in between the kiss.

Renjun does let go, breathing heavily as he closes his eyes looking down at how he had to stand on his feet a little to reach Jeno's height. Renjun looks at his face.

"Say that again."

Jeno studies his face, perplexed.

"My name." He looks down, avoiding Jeno's eyes after saying those words out loud.

"Say it again."

He holds onto his breath when Jeno let's go of his arms, only to get a hold of his chin, lifting it up.

"Renjun, what's wrong?" Renjun shakes his head, looking down again.

This time when Jeno lifts his head, he doesn't avoid it and lets Jeno kiss him, properly, without any hurry. His senses open up to his surroundings, the cool air, the dark sky, the full moon everything that looks breathtakingly good in front of him.

–

That night, when everyone had left, everything was so still and his heart was beating erratically, he asks Jeno to go all the way with him this time, eyes shut fast, his cellphone, forgotten on the bedside table.

Jeno had looked at him, searching his face and Renjun nodded his head with assurance.

It feels like they're one. Jeno takes care of him, treats with care, holds onto his hand, let's Renjun hold onto his arm when it becomes too overwhelming.

Renjun does cry but embarrassingly enough because of the contentment that courses through his entire body. His body hurts but he learns to finds pleasure in it.

Jeno looks at him, sweat clinging onto his neck and forehead, face and neck flushed and he wonders if he looks the same as his back arches a little on its own accord when Jeno hits a particular spot and a moan slips out of lips, saying something, could have been Jeno's name.

He puts his arms on his eyes, covering his face, trying to hide his embarrassment but Jeno, with one hand, pulls both his hands away and he travels back to the first time when he was with Jeno, in his apartment.

Jeno's eyes travel down from his face, neck and the pale expanse of his abdomen and that maybe triggers something in his head because he kisses his torso before sucking on the spot. He stops when Renjun moves a little. He lifts his head and looks down at the spot, a blotch of red adorning his skin.

Jeno moves up along the expanse of his stomach to his neck, kissing it and sucking on it, littering other parts of his neck and collar bones in the same way and Renjun just closes his eyes, finding it hard to contain the elation.

–

"Why so suddenly?

He hadn't expected him to actually address the situation. The dark ceiling of Jeno's room, the entire place filled with Jeno's scent, he breathes in and out. "I–" he starts but nothing comes out, his mouth hanging open.

He didn't know why.

So he continues to stare at the prism of faint light entering the room, illuminating the ceiling.

Maybe he knows why but he doesn't want to confess it to Jeno. He turns his head towards with the only little energy that he has and stares at the abandoned cell.

_It was because of that. Wasn't it?_

Sighing, he closes his eyes, "I don't know, Jeno," it isn't exactly a lie, just a version. He just felt this urge, an oppressive feeling about the fact that this might probably the last time they'd get to be together like this. Because maybe, just like the first time, Jeno would act like a stranger. They wouldn't speak to each other, going back to their usual lives, acting like acquaintances, forgetting that a Renjun ever existed.

Maybe this way Jeno would remember him even though it is an absurd way of remembering someone.

With that in mind, he gets up clambering over Jeno's body to straddle him, sheets sprawled over either of their bodies. Renjun moves it from Jeno's chest and brings his lips pecking it here and there. Lifting his head up, Jeno stares at him with a frown of confusion. He cradles Renjun's head with one hand and his waist with the other, switching their places so he's hovering over Renjun.

"Your nose didn't bleed today–"

"I think, I like you."

He turns around, back facing Jeno. Eyes shut, cursing his stupid mouth. He feels movement next to him, realising that Jeno had maybe gotten up.

After some time, he peeks over his shoulder and sees that indeed Jeno wasn't in the spot next to him.

The room was cold and empty. He brings his knees up, circling his hands around them. There was a time when he had actually thought it would be easy.

–

The weather was still cold as he walks the empty streets, returning from his job, late at night.

Sighing he took a look at the little plastic bag that he was holding onto. A packet of ramen noodles and some packaged kimchi, his dinner for tonight.

It reminds him of the amazing food he had in China. And thinking about China, it reminds him of all the things that he had done with six other amazing people. A moment of happiness.

It reminds him of Jeno, a feeling of heaviness settles in his chest. The last two days that they were together, he had completely ignored Jeno. Not looking at him, not talking to him, nothing.

Jeno hadn't made an effort to talk to him either.

" _I think, I like you._ "

The memory runs wild in his head, even though it hasn't been that long. He runs a hand through his hair, letting out a puff of air. What was he thinking? Out of all things that could come out of his mouth.

Shaking his head a little, he climbs up the stairs of his house to reach his apartment, dark and cold.

–

The bell rings loud and clear as he runs to reach his class.

Hastily opening the door, he sees the teacher already inside. Mr Oh looks at his watch and then at Renjun, spectacles resting on the bridge of his nose.

"Mister Huang. You're fifteen minutes late."

"Sorry sir, it won't happen again," he says, bowing low to apologize.

"Apologizing will not turn back those fifteen minutes. That too, on the first day of school."

"Sorry sir," he mumbles, bowing again.

"Go stand outside the class."

–

Finding his usual empty spot on the cafeteria, he sat on the long bench and began eating and reading his book at the same time.

"Oye, why were you late?"

He turns around and sees Jaemin raising a hand and waving at him, behind him Mark, Jisung, Chenle and Donghyuck followed with their trays on their hands.

"Woke up late." He stares, dumbfounded, as all of them make their way around to sit on the same bench as him.

And then they all start talking about random things and Renjun sighs but with happiness and familiarity.

"Oh and Mr Park told Jeno to stay back today for football," His ears perk up at the mention of Jeno's name before Jaemin continues. "He said his form was weak and that he seemed extra distracted today."

"Did he look distracted?"

"Yeah, he did. I don't know what's up with him these days."

"I guess it's maybe because of the long-ass vacation we had, he probably didn't get the chance to practice." Jaemin hums, agreeing to what Mark had said.

–

"What's up with you?"

Renjun looks up from the little ant that had made it's way up the table towards Jaemin.

"Huh?"

Jaemin tsks and takes his place next to him in the cafeteria. "Why are you so sad?" He puckers his lips. Renjun tries biting back his smile but fails. "Nothing," he answers.

"Ah, both of you."

Renjun looks at him with confusion. "Both of who?"

"You and Jeno."

Renjun freezes, looking at Jaemin with wide eyes.

"Both of you are acting so down lately. I mean, I know about Jeno but you, why are you so down?"

Renjun exhales with relief filling his chest.

"What? Is it because of the trip?" He leans back on the bench, "I know, it ended pretty fast. I miss it too."

Jaemin then suddenly straightens up, looking at Renjun with a sparkle in his eyes. "Do you wanna hang? I mean, the entire gang? Just because the vacation's over, doesn't mean we can't hang, right?"

"I- mean,"

"Come on _Leonjun-ah_ don't be a buzz kill. Please? _Please?"_ He says, pouting his lips and Renjun grimaces at it. "Okay, okay, okay. Please." Jaemin starts laughing and hugging Renjun with excitement.

–

Sitting in a classroom where the teacher had given her students the option of self-studying versus sitting in a classroom where the teacher was teaching herself.

Out of these two things, Renjun prefers the former, anyone would. But not if his classmates are being so loud.

Thinking better of spending the next forty-minutes in the confines of his noisy classroom, he makes his way to the school library.

The library was always mostly empty, with many narrow aisles for different genres of books and a bench arranged in between those aisles to sit and read. That's conceivably why it was his most favourite spot to be in other than the field.

While reading, he feels a certain burning sensation on his nose, he looks down in his book and sees blood.

Keeping his head up and covering his nose, he quickly makes his way to the washroom to the washroom. It had been quite some time since the last time he had gotten it.

Looking at his reflection, he wipes his nose clean with a paper towel. A boy makes his way out of one of the washrooms. He looks at the reflection of the boy but as soon as the boy turns, he freezes in his spot.

It's Jeno but that's not what catches his attention. There are cut marks on his face. The latter boy looks at him, a harsh look on his face morphing into that of confusion. He finally looks away and leaves.

Renjun, who was standing there the whole time, hesitates before following after him.

He reaches Jeno and without thinking twice, clasps his hand around his wrist, taking him to the school's infirmary.

The sister looks horrified when she sees Jeno's face. "Oh my god, poor child what happened?" She gestures them to come inside. "He fell, sister," Renjun replies.

Jeno stares at him before taking a seat in front of the sister so she could apply medicines and bandages on his face.

"How badly did you fall?"

"Tripped from the stairs,"

The sister gives a Jeno a pointed look at his reason.

"..of the assembly hall."

The sister sucks a breath in, "child you should be careful of those stairs, we still need to fix them."

After moments of Jeno flinching every now and then when the sister applies some anti-septic on his cuts and covers them with gauge and bandaids, she writes a letter for Jeno so that he could take a leave.

"You, kid," she points a finger at Renjun, "you make sure he reaches home safely. I'm writing a letter for you too."

"Oh, that's not necessary–"

"Sure."

Jeno again peers at Renjun after he cuts him off, taking a hold of the letter.

–

Jeno's house, he learns, is not very far away from the school.

When they reach, Renjun helps Jeno unlock the door of his apartment and helps him reach till his room even though that wasn't necessary.

When Jeno finally sits on his bed, he takes off his jacket and Renjun gasps softly when he sees the huge scratch on his arm.

"Could you pass me the first aid kit?" He asks pointing towards a kitchen outside.

Renjun returns and hands him the box. After seeing him struggling on trying to put the anti-septic liquid, Renjun takes hold of the liquid from Jeno's hand, sits in front of him and gently dabs it on the scratch, pausing whenever Jeno winces.

"How...did you get this?"

Jeno visibly wavers at the question. Renjun has half the mind to drop it, maybe change the topic but then Jeno sighs.

"Seniors." Renjun stops applying the anti-septic. Clutching a little hard on the cotton swab.

"They think I'm doing bad at football on purpose."

He doesn't need any further explanation. Whenever he hears anything close to bullying his blood starts boiling. But he contains himself and continues applying the anti-septic.

He wants to know what's bothering him and it itches his brain because he shouldn't care. Who were they anyway? They don't stand anywhere. It's just a silent agreement that the two of them had.

 _The two_ _of them._

Cause he can't blame the entire thing on Jeno, even though he wants to. He wants to just forget about it and blame it all on Jeno but he knows that there's no point in doing that.

He could've said no all those times but he doesn't. He indulges Jeno and at the same time lets Jeno indulge him.

After finishing applying the anti-septic on his arm, he wraps it with cotton and gauge.

"Thank you."

"Oh, it's okay, you helped me, I'm returning the favour."

A realization settles on Jeno and he looks down, maybe remembering the spray paint incident or maybe the first encounter they had.

He takes that opportunity and looks around the room. It was same as before, just a little bit messy but it smelled exactly like Jeno.

He gets up, scratching his earlobe, "um, i should probably leave." Jeno nods and drops him off till the front door.

"So..see you soon."

"Wait."

Jeno shifts his weight from one leg to another, holding onto his door, looking contemplative and maybe Renjun knows where this is going.

"Um, about that night–"

"It was a spur-of-the-moment," he blurts out, not wanting to face anymore embarrassment.

"I wasn't in my senses," he finishes, looking at his converse instead.

"Um...right, sure." Jeno smiles at him and Renjun feels warm at the rare gesture.

"See you later then." It sounds more like a question so Renjun nods, forcing a smile that should look convincing and leaves at the same time as Jeno closes the door.

–

He's about to enter his apartment when he sees a sticky note stuck on the knob. Taking hold of the note and reads it.

Smiling to himself, he quickly makes his way outside his apartment, towards the small backyard and spots the back of a person.

He sneaks in, without making any sound and taps the person's shoulder, gliding towards the other side.

"Hello," he smiles at Yangyang when the latter finally spots him.

They both indulge each other in a bone-crushing hug, swaying left to right. "I missed you and your annoying ass so much," Yangyang mumbles.

"Yang, I missed you too. So much."

Suddenly a realisation dawns upon him and he detaches himself from the hug. "Wait here, don't go anywhere. Okay? Wait here, I'll be right back," he says moving backwards before turning around and rushing inside his apartment.

"Here."

Yangyang's eyes widen when he takes it from Renjun's hand.

"I-is that, a lightsaber?"

He takes it out from the enormous box and pushes the button. The blade lights up, a bright red. "Oh my God, it is!"

He starts waving it here and there, making sounds, imitating the clashing of a blade. "I'm a Jedi now."

"Don't know what that is but congratulations," he claps his hands and Yangyang bows.

"But seriously Ren, thank you so much." He hugs Renjun again. "I've wanted this for long."

"I know that's why I got it, don't even ask how."

Renjun tells him everything about China, except the Jeno part, all because Yangyang insists on it so much.

"I miss my hometown now," Yangyang says when Renjun tells him about the hot springs and he feels for him.

"Remember our agreement?"

Yangyang smiles, "I'm holding onto that."

–

_Nojaem changed the group name from 'travellers' to 'a bunch of boiz.'_

**Nojaem:** guys

 **Nojaem:** gUyS

 **Sun:** god yes

 **Markanderson:** see? That's why you should use punctuations, people might misunderstand.

 **Sun:** and waste my precious time no thanks

 **Sun:** also from now on call me haechan

 **Pwarksung:** um what

 **Nojaem:** why

 **Sun:** my mother visited this future telling lady i don't know what you call them and she said that the only way i can get into a college is if i change my name and she said haechan

 **Sun:** so...

 **Ledolph:** no

 **Sun:** ?

 **Ledolph:** for me you shall always be our donghyuckie

 **Sun:** i almost threw up please stop

 **Nojaem:** okay donghyuck

 **Nojaem:** everyone else listen

 **Sun:** i said it's haechan

 **Nojaem:** whatever

 **Nojaem:** now listen

 **Nojaem:** myself and Leonjunnie have decided to meet soon

 **Nojaem:** all of us

 **Nojaem:** together

 **Nojaem:** pick a place

 **Pwarksung:** bowling

 **Markanderson:** how about that recent club that had opened?

 **Ledolph:** swimming?

 **Sun:** road trip

 **Nojaem:** –.–

 **Nojaem:** you know what

 **Nojaem:** also donghyuck

 **Nojaem:** road trip?

 **Nojaem:** Seriously?

 **Nojaem:** we just finished vacation

 **Sun:** i said it's haechan

 **Sun:** call me haechan

 **Nojaem:** let's just crash a party, who cares

 **Markanderson:** fine by me

 **Pwarksung:** you sure

 **Ledolph:** im in

 **Nojaem:** yes jisung

 **Nojaem:** we are sure

 **Pwarksung:** okay then

 **Nojaem:** okay then it is decided

 **Nojaem:** i'll see if there's any party by a senior and let you all know

 **Nojaem:** till then

 **Nojaem:** peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh, I'm terrible at writing intimate scenes please bear with me


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jahahsgsy sorry for the late update, kinda got stuck in the middle😅

"Look, I promise, just this once?"

"No."

Yangyang sighs, "please? Just once. Plus, you've never done it either."

"Please, it'll be a learning experience for both of us."

Renjun sighs, "no, Yangyang. I'm not going to kiss you."

"Why?" Yangyang says, whining and Renjun resists the urge to throw him To Kill A Mocking Bird book on his face.

"Because...I don't know how to."

"I know you don't, I don't know either."

Renjun looks at him with a bored expression on his face. "Why me?" "Because you're my best friend and that's what best friend are for," he smiles, looking pleased with his little speech.

"See, are ghosts real? One won't know unless they search for it, right?"

"It's not the same thing Yang," he says pinching the bridge of his nose "and besides, I'm a guy. You can't kiss me."

He knew for a fact that Yangyang was a hundred per cent straight. And Yanyang didn't know that he wasn't.

"Bro, don't pull the no-homo act on me. Look just a peck," he says pouting his lips and Renjun resists that urge of slapping his lips.

"It's just one peck." He mutters under his breath. He's done it to Jeno, it won't hurt.

"Exactly."

So he does it. He pecks Yangyang's lips and grimaces as soon as he does it. Yangyang smiles brilliantly.

"Yes! Now I can go and tell Sicheng that I have kissed someone!" Renjun laughs at that. "Are you kid or something and besides, couldn't you lie to whoever that guy is, Sicheng?"

"He always catches on," Yangyang groans. Renjun just shakes his head.

–

"Who?"

"Lee Taeyong."

"Oh, I've heard about him. Isn't he a year above us, Byun Baekhyun's batch?"

"Yep."

Donghyuck comes to their table at the cafeteria and sits beside Chenle, "oh, good then. What time are we leaving?"

"At six? It'll be better if we reach by seven," Jaemin says in between chewing his bread. "Do we have to go?" All of them turn to look at Jisung.

"It's okay if you don't want to besides, most of you other than me and Mark don't really know him."

"Actually, guys, I'm going to have to bail out too," Renjun gathers up the courage to finally says it, remembering his conversation with the owner of the convenience store that he worked in.

Jaemin perks up at that, "why? I thought we made the plan together."

"I'm sorry but i have to meet my aunt, " which wasn't exactly a lie, he had to show his face to her to show her that he was alive every once a while.

"Can't you go some other time? Jaemin asks, looking extremely unhappy. "I'm sorry but I promised her and it's been pretty long since the last time I met her."

–

He adjusts the zip of his jacket and thinks twice before knocking at his aunt's door.

He holds the tissue against his nose as his aunt stares at him, her arms crossed. _Why_ _now?_

"You should get that checked."

"No, it's okay. I get them a lot during winters," he mutters, avoiding her glare. "Yes, I remember Renjun," she sighs and Renjun readies himself for whatever's about to come. He expects a long lecture but instead, she makes her way to the kitchen and bring the hot dark tea and places it on the table next to Renjun.

"Drink up, it helps."

Nodding his head a bit hesitantly he tentatively takes sip of the tea flinching at the heat, his aunt tsks, "if you were still living with me, I would've cured that– whatever, nose bleeds you get."

"No, it's okay, I've burdened you enough already."

Silence.

"That's what you assume I thought of you? As a burden?" She scoffs, "and what exactly made you think that?" He still doesn't look at her, staring at his cup instead, "it doesn't matter, forget I said that. It was a long time ago."

–

His insomnia returns like a swish of cold water.

He stares outside his window, eyes fixed on the lamppost and the light-emitting out of it as his brain overworks itself by thinking so much.

Getting shouted for being late at his job, having a small argument with his aunt, ditching his friends.

He jumps out of his chair when he jears his bell go off. He looks at his door with horror, his eyes automatically fall on the clock, _11:45 p.m._ Who would come at such an hour?

He makes his way to the door, placing his ear on it to maybe catch something but catching nothing, he gives up and opens the door. An appalled sound leaves his mouth when he sees who it is.

"Wha–Jeno?"

Jeno stands there, leaning against the frame of his door, his blond undercut is swept messily to the side, cheeks flushed and eyes a bit - _dazed?_

"Jeno, are you drunk?"

Jeno doesn't say anything and just wobbles his way inside, looking here and there. "Jeno, what are you doing?"

"Where's Renjun?" That's the first thing he asks, still looking around the room.

"What? Jeno, I am Renjun."

He turns his head like as if noticing Renjun there for the first time. "Oh, there you are." Renjun tries his best to bite back a smile. He looks so tired, Renjun notices, yet manages to look so good.

Renjun places a hand on his arm and leads him to his sofa and Jeno stares at his shoes.

"Aren't you supposed to be at Taeyong's place?" He asks, brushing a stray strand of hair from his face and Jeno follows his movement. "Who? Oh right, um, I don't know. He must be inside." Renjun sniffles another laughter when Jeno blinks his eyes a couple of times to bring them back to focus.

"How much did you drink?"

"Four bottles," he replies, putting up three fingers. Renjun scowls and gets up from his crouching position striding towards the kitchen when he returns, he hands a glass of water to him, helping him finish it.

His phone starts ringing and he rushes to pick it up, "hello?"

"Renjun, is Jeno with you?" He looks back at his couch where Jeno is sprawled in. "Yeah, he's here." He hears Mark sigh a breath a relief, "thank God. He kept saying that he wanted to see you."

"Ah, oh," he thinks of something to say but nothing comes out of his mouth.

"Just keep him there, I'll be there in twenty," he says hurriedly. Renjun glances back at his watch, "oh Mark, it's okay, it's quite late. He can stay over for tonight–"

His voice gets caught up in his throat when he feels something wet on his neck. Jeno mouthing at the back of his neck, hands sliding from behind, securing themselves around his waist.

"Renjun?"

"Uh? Um yeah, don't worry. Jeno can stay here at my place tonight." He tries moving, to free himself away from Jeno's wandering hands and lip. "You sure?" He hears Mark ask from the other line. "U-um, y-yeah." He cuts the call and moves away from Jeno.

Jeno looks at him. He's never seen him like this. A little knocked off? Sure. But drunk? Never. On one hand, he feels this sort of gratification at the fact that he's seeing these different sides of Jeno but on the other hand, he doesn't see any point of it.

"Jeno, sit, you're drunk," he tries steadying him and leads him towards his couch. "Why didn't you come to Taeyong's house?" Jeno asks placing a steady hand on his arm. "I had some errands to run," he replies, loosening the grip by his free hand.

"You can sleep in my room tonight," he gets up from the couch, looking around, anywhere but Jeno's eye.

"No, it's okay. I'll take the couch," he already sounds a bit sober now, moving the strands of hair from his forehead.

"No, Jeno." He goes inside his room to clean the mess up a little and taking out his comforter, placing it on his bed. Meanwhile, Jeno enters his room with tired strides, looking around. Their eyes meet, Renjun looks away, "you should sleep here. You probably won't fit on the couch anyway."

He reaches his cupboard and takes out his oversized shirt and loose sweat pants for him and a towel, placing those on the bed too. "Take a shower, I've set the water to heat up," he says, awkwardly motioning his hands towards the bathroom. Jeno nods, scratching the back of his head. Renjun leaves with a pillow and a comforter for himself.

–

Knowing that he wouldn't be getting sleep anytime soon, he just amply lies down and traces his fingers along the carves of the table on front of him. Mind, every now and then wandering to Jeno, just a wall away from him.

_Is he asleep?_

It's one in the morning when he hears the familiar creak of his door, quickly turning to feign sleeping. He opens his eyes just a tad bit to see Jeno sanding at the foot of his couch, already looking at him.

Clearing his unused throat, he moves his comforter off himself and scans Jeno in his clothes, the ones that would be a little loose for him, fitting Jeno almost properly.

"Why are you up?" He asks, rubbing his eyes.

Jeno scratches the back of his head, a habit that Renjun catches on, and looks around before taking the hand out from inside the pocket of the sweatshirt to show the packet of cigarette. "Um, where can I?" He trails off and soon Renjun realizes what he means.

"Ah, on the roof?" He says pointing a finger up.

Jeno nods his head and leaves out the front door, hand going back inside his pocket.

–

Renjun never knew that Jeno would be standing in one the places he adored so much. In the exact same spot that he always stands, he stares at Jeno's back, looking at the expanse of the entire city.

Jeno turns as soon as Renjun enters. Smiling a little at the familiar atmosphere. He joins Jeno, the sky, still showing hints of the night. "I chose this apartment for this," he says, without tearing his gaze from the beautiful sleeping city.

When he sucks in a lungful of air it scrapes against his throat, breathing in the faint smell of cigarettes around the air. He looks at Jeno's face, looking so composed and collected and he wonders how he was so quick in associating the smell of cigarettes to Jeno.

Jeno takes out another cigarette and lits it up. After he breathing it in and out a couple of times he offers one to Renjun. Renjun takes it without much hesitation.

When Jeno kissed him, pushing him against the railings of the stairways. He had tasted like the cigarette that the two of them had shared before.

–

"Jeno," he manages to rasp out. "We should stop."

Jeno pauses at that. He brings his head up, levelling it with Renjun's face. Renjun had dreaded this the most. "We should stop," he repeats seriously but Jeno just looks at him, probing him and then kisses him soft but urging at the same time and all that Renjun can think of is, _how?_

How is he so weak?

Jeno begins to pull away when Renjun folds his legs around his waist, pulling him down, latching his lips against Jeno's again.

So the two of them stay there, lying in the dark confines of his room. They've got nothing to say, just the beating of hearts, like two drums in the dark. He doesn't know what they're doing, he doesn't know what they've done and he feels guilty yet again, his face away from Jeno's.

But he knows this that if Jeno would turn him around and kiss him again, he would let him. He would let him with a pleased yet heavy heart.

Jeno turns around, burying his head down against his hot sweaty nape, another trait about Jeno that he had discovered. He was like this after their little intercourse. Vulnerable and open.

"Jeno, what if I told you that a friend of mine liked a friend of his but he was too afraid of sharing his emotions?" There's dead silence before he feels Jeno sighing, his breath hitting the back of his neck, he shuts his eyes, feeling shivers running down his spine.

"Then that friend of yours should be sure about his friend's feelings too," his voice rumbles, lips moving towards his shoulders and then up towards the slope of his neck, turning Renjun to face him, biting his ear lobe.

"Jeno, do you like me?"

Jeno stops and looks at him with a surprised look on his face.

"What if I told you that I liked you?"

He stares back at him, ready to finally break ties with him. But he hadn't expected what Jeno says next.

"Do you want to date me?"

Renjun gets up straight, gaping at him.

–

It's a ruckus the next morning in school.

"It isn't true."

He looks up from his book. Staring at a panting Jaemin. "What?" He asks moving his eyes from Jaemin to the other people in the library.

"You and Jeno, it isn't true, is it?"

"Huh?"

Jaemin groans, "come on, almost the entire school knows. Are you two dating?"

Oh, that's why everyone was staring at him.

"Oh. Um, yeah. I guess."

Jaemin takes a seat next to him, "you guess? Renjun, this isn't a game. Are you dating him or not?" He asks, looking dead serious.

"I mean, y-yes, " he clears his throat, "yes. Yes, we are." Jaemin gasps, covering his mouth with a hand, "you're not kidding, right? This isn't a joke, right? He asks, eyes wavering here and there with so much surprise. Renjun nods and Jaemin deflates back in his chair.

"I can't believe this. Seriously."

"Can't believe? why?" Renjun asks, confused.

"You don't know this, do you?" He crossed both his hands over chest, "he hasn't dated anyone since the past three years."

Renjun drops the book with a loud thud on the table.

–

**Seven hours ago.**

"What?"

"Do you want to date me?" He continues to stare at Jeno as the latter repeats his question. Renjun, wanting to see how serious he's being, nods his head once.

"Okay then, let's date."

Renjun widens his eyes before scoffing. But Jeno looks serious.

"So what exactly are we now?"

"We're boyfriends, I guess."

Renjun scoffs again then bring both his hands up, holding his cheeks and looking straight into his eyes, "are you still drunk?" Jeno chuckles and removes his hands aways from his face, "no, Renjun."

Renjun then lifts a hand up, offering it to Jeno, "hold my hand once." He does, slowly slipping his hand into Renjun.

Renjun loosely puts their conjoined hands on his lap, then brings it up and swings it back and forth. He could get used to this. Right?

–

"Mister Huang." Renjun jolts up as soon as he hears his name being called out. "Please concentrate here, on the blackboard instead of looking outside." He hears a couple of snickers behind him, "sorry, ma'am."

His eyes automatically fall on the empty seat next to Jaemin. Jeno hadn't come to school that day and it was their first day, officially dating snd sets Renjun's mind in a whirlpool of thoughts. 

Renjun hides his face behind his book when he sees two girls staring at him with a scowl on their faces.

He wasn't used to this. This attention. It feels like are all on him. How did people even get to know overnight? It's crazy how the world works, he thinks.

"Jaem, why isn't Jeno present today?" He whispers pushing himself a little forward. Jaemin looks at him, shrugging. "I don't know. He said he had a bad hangover from yesterday?" Renjun sits back on his chair.

–

"No, way."

"Why doesn't anyone believe me, is it that unbelievable?"

Yangyang nods, mouth agape, "you can't be dating, this is a joke. But you look serious though," he says, bringing his face close.

Renjun scowls and shifts back, resting his head against the wall of his apartment building. "I'm being serious. I seriously am dating someone."

"Since when? And who?"

"Since yesterday, a boy called Jeno."

"What? I've never even heard you mentioning him once."

"Yeah, um, he was one of the six other boys that I went with."

He avoids Yangyang's eyes, "do you like him?"

_Did he?_

"Yeah...I do," he says, gazing at the pressed grass under his feet.

"Why didn't you ever mention him?" Renjun brings both his knees up, holding onto them. "I don't know, I wasn't sure back then," which is true. He didn't know what to make out of his feelings. At first, he'd thought that he was just in it for the sex but then as days went on, he started...noticing these little things. Like, not being able to breathe, sweaty palms, excitement and sadness. The thing that had surprised him the most was probably the fact that Jeno, so easily was ready to date him.

"Yeah...I like him."

"Does he like you?"

"Yangyang. I don't know."

Yangyang scowls at him, "don't know? How? You said the two of you are dating?"

He thinks back to what Jaemin had told him, _he hasn't dated anyone since the past three years._

"I mean, he didn't even show up at school today." He mumbles to himself. "What, why?" Yangyang asks, in between chewing his sour belts.

"I don't know, " Yangyang looks at him, "you're supposed to know. You both are dating, go ask him if he's doing alright."

–

He opens his never-before-touched chat with Jeno. And it looks so excruciating, an empty white screen staring back at him. What should he even ask?

**You:** You didn't come to school today. Just wanted to make sure you're okay.

He erases that, pushing his legs back and forth in frustration. It sounds so robotic. How do people do it so effortlessly? He closes his eyes, trying to calm his mind and in the process, falls asleep.

–

On the contrary, he should've just let it be.

Jeno gapes at him as he stands outside, just a foot away from his door. A box of hot potato porridge clasped in his hand.

"Hey," he simply says as Jeno continues to stare at him before coming back to reality and opening the door wider, a silent invitation.

He takes off his converse and wears the comfortable slip-on's right in front of his entrance. "Sorry for showing up like this, um, jaemin told me that you weren't well so i just wanted to check up on you," he rambles on, lifting up the box of the porridge.

"oh," Jeno quickly grabs a small table mat and places it near so that Renjun could place it on top of it.

He gets a proper look at Jeno as the latter does the job of unpacking the porridge from the box, other than looking a little sleep deprived, he doesn't really look that sick. "How are you feeling now?"

He watches as Jeno puts a spoon full inside his mouth, "better." He only stands next to the dining table and doesn't really have anything to do. After a minute or two, of just fiddling with his fingers and watching Jeno heat up the porridge he lifts up his empty bag. "I- um, I'll be heading out now."

Jeno turns, shutting off his stove, the spoon still inside his mouth as he places the pot of porridge on his table. "Stay for some time."

"Hm?"

"Stay till I finish this," Jeno stands behind his chair and then lifts his pot, making his way towards the couch placed in front of an LED TV. Renjun follows him. It's not like he has something exciting to do when he reaches his apartment either.

–

"You're slacking off, big time."

"No, Jungwoo, I'm not," he replies to his co-worker while stacking up the extra packets of lays in their places. Sure, Jungwoo had already finished his share of things but that doesn't mean Renjun was slacking. It just meant that Jungwoo was faster than Renjun at doing his job.

To his defend, Jungwoo had more work experience than Renjun and he had been working in the store for longer too.

"Okay, but I'll still wait for you to finish."

Jungwoo, a twenty-year-old college student who wasn't working for the lack of expenses unlike Renjun but to actually gain work experience for - in his words - " _a better CV_."

Jungwoo was the kind of person who would outwardly show that he didn't give an ounce of shit but from inside his heart was big and warm.

They both had bonded when the owner of his part-time job, had shouted at Renjun on his first day at work. Jungwoo had just sat next to him when he been crying and had offered him a packet of ramen noodles, winking at him and showing a brilliant smile that had swelled Renjun's heart. The packet of ramen noodles had saved him from being hungry for the night.

"You don't have to. Didn't you have a date today?" He says, continuing to sack up the packets.

"Yeah, I do but I'm not going to leave you alone, that too, so late."

The silence between stretches as Jungwoo files with his phone and Renjun continues to empty the cardboard boxes filled with packets of chips.

"Hey, Jungwoo?"

Jungwoo looks up from his phone and hums. "How long have you been in a relationship for?"

Jungwoo stops doing his phone and smirks at him, "why, you have someone you like?" He wiggles his eyebrows. Seriously, looks can be so deceiving.

"Um, not really..."

Jungwoo pouts, slumping back against the wall before putting his index finger to his chin, thinking. "Hmm, I think this is our third year, honestly after a few months I stopped counting," he says, chuckling.

Three years. Wow.

"How did you do that?"

Jungwoo tilts his head, resembling a puppy, "do what?"

"Stay with a single person for three years."

"Oh, that. I don't know, I guess once you're truly happy with that person, you tend to stop imagining your life without them."

He looks down at the last packet of chips in his hand and feels a tingling feeling in his stomach.

Jungwoo laughs, for some reason and then gets off the counter he was sitting on. "Come, let's close up." Renjun nods and follows him after shutting all the lights.

–

The thing about being in a "relationship" with the football captain of the school. People stare at you no matter what you do. Reading in the library? Stare. Sitting in the classroom and minding your business? Stare. Walking in the corridors? Stare. Going to the washroom? Stare.

It felt so intimidating that anyone would just pop out of nowhere and maybe punch him in the face, just for dating someone. He had his guard up at all times.

But being with Jeno, was another thing.

Nothing had really changed between them. He'd be lying if he said that he was expecting something different and it makes him wonder whether this entire thing was even a thing, to begin with. It's like they're not together. but then again, it's only been their second day.

He was packing his bag, ready to go home when he felt a shove at his back. Beside him, a smiling Jaemin was wearing his backpack. "Ready for today?" He asks, leaning both his hands on Renjun's desk.

"What's today?"

Jaemin straightens up, smile subsiding from his face. "Our match? Jeno didn't tell you?" Renjun just stares at his face and Jaemin runs a hand through his head muttering something under his breath. "You better come. Today at four."

He feels bad. No, not bad. Sad, a little disappointed.

But he just nods at Jaemin, "sure. I'll be there."

So he doesn't go back to his apartment. Instead, he goes to his store to finish his shift fast. It was two. Two hours, luckily Jungwoo had been kind enough to cover the rest for him.

–

When reached, he goes over to Jaemin to let him know of his presence.

Jaemin expression had changed from nervousness to a bright smile when he had spotted him, jogging up to him with a number four jersey on. "Hey, you made it!"

"Of course, I wouldn't miss this," he says, smiling back.

"Jeno is inside discussing some things with our coach. Oh, I have to go, catch ya later!" He jogs away when someone calls his name and Renjun gives one last glance at the locker room before making his way to find a seat.

Players of both the teams assemble in the field and Renjun's first instinct is to hide as soon as he spots Jeno but he somehow stops himself after seeing his worn-out state.

He sees Jeno's eyes falling on the crowd, eyes observing carelessly. Renjun freezes as soon his eyes meet Jeno's, his face changing from surprise to something unreadable before the referee blows his whistle.

The game starts and Renjun tries his best to move his eyes from Jeno but he fails miserably. Something about the way he plays, almost like a professional and Renjun's left speechless at how smoothly he plays.

His heart drops when the opposing team scores a goal just a couple of minutes before halftime. The entire crowd is filled with cheers and whistles. He runs his eyes towards Jaemin who runs a frustrated hand through his hair but Jeno looks calm and collected, shouting and giving words of encouragement to the other players.

It's halftime and all the players go inside the resting place. Jeno, again, looks at him with the same unreadable expression on his face.

The halftime break lasts for fifteen minutes or so and then the field is again filling with the players, the people in the crowd and next to him, cheering and clapping for the players.

The whistle blows again and the game resumes. Somewhere in between, a player of the opposing team fouls by pushing Jisung, which is followed by more whistling and the referee offering a free-kick to his school's team. The crowd is completely still as Jeno and Jaemin stand behind the ball, covering their mouth and discussing a strategy.

The referee blows the whistle for the ball to be taken and Jaemin makes a run for it but instead of hitting the ball, he runs over it. The lined-up players jump, taking advantage of it Jeno shoots with his right heel, scoring right inside the net. This time, even Renjun cheers with the others in the crowd. Everyone from the team running towards Jeno, hugging him and giving him pats on his back as the latter has a huge smile plastered on his face. Renjun sighs, smiling, after looking at his smile.

The game gets very interesting with the opposing team missing a penalty and also getting a red card for diving. Only ten minutes left when another player, with the help of Jaemin's assist, scores a goal.

The score, two-nil, in favour of his school's team. The ball stays in Jeno's team's possession for a long time. They keep passing the ball to each other and Renjun notices after his eyes fall on the huge timer that they're doing that to pass time.

They successfully pass full-time and his school's team wins. Both the teams shake hands and some even exchange jerseys. When the crowd finally begins to lessen, Jaemin catches his attention, waving a hand at him, motioning him to come over.

He shakes his hand in refusal, not wanting to be amongst all the players but he eventually gives in when Jaemin shoots daggers at him. He makes the flattest face he can muster and makes his way through the narrow stairs to meet him.

Jaemin places a hand around his shoulders and Renjun smiles at him, "congratulations, you all did it."

"Yes, we did," Jaemin says, ruffling his hair.

His eyes fall on Jeno, who was rushing, making his way to the locker room without sparing a glance anywhere else.

"You should probably follow him."

"I don't think so."

He snaps his head towards Jaemin, realizing that the latter had spoken those words. "He's had a rough week, especially because of this match."

Renjun knows if he can make anything out of the skin-coloured bandage that was still wrapped around his forearm.

The locker room is completely empty when he enters and he for once thinks that Neno must have left but then he hears a rustling sound and he follows it, finding Jeno's back, stuffing his shirt inside his bag.

Thinking twice, he lifts an unsure arm and placing it on Jeno's shoulder, not trusting his voice.

Jeno doesn't flinch, just stops with his movement before sagging his shoulders and turning around to face Renjun. He looks so tired that Renjun thinks he might just pass out, the eye bags visible and face extremely worn out.

Renjun closes his eyes as soon Jeno nears his face. Waiting for something that doesn't come, instead, the latter's head falls on his shoulder, hands holding onto his arms.

He's on the way to place a hand on Jeno's back when the latter lifts his head and places his forehead on Renjun's, eyes still closed. Renjun lets out the air that he was holding onto very slowly. "You did well."

Blinking his eyes and fisting his hands he thinks _fuck it_ and pecks Jeno's lips. Jeno opens his eyes and gapes at him. Renjun looks everywhere else but at his face.

Jeno takes a step forward, automatically making Renjun take a step back. But Jeno doesn't stop there and continues moving forward until Renjun's back hits against one of the lockers, stemming in a rustling sound. Renjun startles but Jeno looks unfazed by it, instead, places a hand next to his head on the locker, caging him.

"Why did you come today?" It doesn't sound angry, it sounds genuine. "Because Jaemin told me to?" Jeno doesn't say anything. "Because I got off work early?" Nothing. He decides on telling the truth, "I wanted to see you play," it comes out softer than he had intended.

Jeno kisses him, a bit impatiently this time, hand tightening around Renjun's waist. It's the same unidentified fervour and Renjun marvels at what triggered it this time. But he doesn't get much time to pry because Jeno starts moving his lips from his jaw to his neck, lowering his tee with a finger, pushing him more against the locker. Renjun closes his eyes, his head, hitting back against the metal of the locker.

He opens his eyes when Jeno sinks and sits on the bench, Renjun fitting easily between his thighs. Jeno lifts his shirt only enough to expose his stomach and places his lips there, kissing it on spots before looking at Renjun.

Jeno nudges his legs, setting them towards the side, then eventually lifting him so that Renjun's straddling him, his back resting on the locker before Jeno kisses him again, biting on his lower lip.

They part and Renjun struggles to catch on his breath, moving a little forward to breathe more easily. Before Jeno could attack his lips again, Renjun placed a hand on top of his mouth. "Someone might come, " he says, breathlessly.

–

Jaemin stared at him from head to toe when he came out of the locker room. "What's up with you?"

"Huh?" He asked, still a little dazed.

"Oh my God. Don't tell me...in the _locker room? Seriously?"_ He made an expression of distaste.

"What?" His hand subconsciously reaching out for his neck where he was sure that Jeno had left a mark. "Dude, that's not even what gives away." Jaemin pointed a finger from his head to toe, chuckling, "look at you, damn."

He sighed. "Help me please." Jaemin just smiled, shaking his head, "nope. You're on your own this time."

He rushed to the washroom and saw his state, gasping a little. No wonder. His hair was devilish, the little effort that he had put in trying to flatten it out hadn't been of any use, his face flushed, eyes still unfocused and the side of his neck wasn't the only place where Jeno had left a mark. It was practically everywhere.

Thankfully he was wearing his neck-high jacket. He zipped it all the way up, hiding most of the marks and the others too, we're only visible if you looked very closely. He sprinkled his face with some water and wiped it with a towel placed next to the mirror(seriously fuck hygiene), and lastly brushed his hair in a more presentable state with his fingers.

–

"Oye, Renjun!" He saw Mark standing next to Jaemin and a smile formed on his face as soon as he saw him, legs rushing on their own as he went and hugged Mark who returned the hug as eagerly. He was genuinely happy to see him.

"Now?" He murmured, turning towards Jaemin who smiled and nodded.

Jeno came finally came out, the tip of his hair wet - and stood next to Renjun, waiting for the rest. Next to him, Jaemin snickered and Renjun shot him a warning glance.

"Donghyuck isn't coming?" Chenle asked when all of them had finally gathered together.

"It's Haechan, stupid," Dongyuck said, hitting the back of Chenle's head with a free hand and then locking him in a headlock.

"So where are we headed?"

They decided on going to a nearby diner to eat and just hang together. After a while of quietly just listening to their conversations about how Donghyuck's mother was crying because she had thought that her son wouldn't make it to college and how Jisung's mother liked Chenle so much that she wanted to adopt him, he starts zoning off, laughing every now and then when a funny comment was passed.

"Why though?" Mark asked in between their third bucket of fries.

"She thought he was cute and adorable."

"Little does she know..."

They all laugh when Chenle starts whining, claiming to be _quite_ cute and fine.

Renjun smiled. He hadn't really realised how much he missed this.

"Oye, how are you going home?"

They were all getting ready to leave. Chenle, Jisung and Jeno, still packing their football things and Mark paying for all the food that they had eaten.

He looked at Jaemin, "oh, I'm gonna catch a bus from the main road."

"Want me to drop you? My car will be coming in a while."

"Oh no, no. That's alright, I anyway have some errands to run."

"Okay then, go safely."

He nodded his head and headed out, bidding everyone farewell for one last time.

–

"So, how was your date?" He and Jungwoo were just idly sitting behind the counter, it was a quarter to midnight. Exhaustion was taking over his body from today's events.

Jungwoo looked at him like as if he had grown an extra pair of head. "What?"

"Nothing just– mister Renjun, are those hickeys?" Realisation settling in his head, Renjun abruptly got up and fixed his jacket.

"Oh my god! Those are!" Jungwoo threw his head back and laughed, "who would've thought? And those– they look like they're gonna last for days probably even weeks."

Renjun cleared his throat, "they're not– they're allergies," he pretended to cough, in an attempt of hiding the redness of his face that he knew would be appearing.

Jungwoo just laughs, "sure, who are you trying to fool, me?" He said pointing an index finger towards himself, "mister Huang, I've been in a relationship for years now. You can't fool me but if you're uncomfortable in talking about it, " he bought his face impossibly close, making Renjun scurry back, "I'll be patiently waiting for the time you'll tell me a little bit about yourself," he winked and swiped his nose with a finger, before laughing.

"I love teasing you."

"You're avoiding my question, how was your date?"

Jungwoo shrugged his shoulders, "like how it usually is," and then he gets up, "leggo, we gotta close down for today."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I guess this the most that Jeno and Renjun have actually "talked"


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For,  
> All those who figured it out in the previous chapter.
> 
> **warning:** minor character death.

He looks around the empty confines of his room.

There's nothing worse of a feeling than the feeling of being completely alone in this entire world. Even though Jeno knows that he has all these amazing people in his life.

The buzzing of his phone brings him out of his thoughts. He stares at the caller's ID and frowns, picking it up hesitantly.

"Yes, father."

Sighing, he cuts the call. Another "business meeting."

No matter how much he tries, it just doesn't seem to get into his parent's brain that he doesn't want anything to do with their business. But he also knows that there's absolutely no room of disobeying them, he doesn't really have the energy to hear the threats that they'd rather make to their own son if he wouldn't attend the so-called business meeting.

So he carries his phone and makes his way down the stairs of his apartment building to pick up the tux that his father had called him to pick a while ago.

"Good morning Mister Lee, President Lee wanted you to have this," Taeil says Bowing down and reaching out the covered tux. "Good morning Taeil, looking good." Taeil laughed, adjusting his tie.

"Have a good day Mister Lee," he said bowing down again after handing the tux to him. He bowed back, "you too."

The day was sunny but he was feeling down. The meeting obviously had nothing to do with him but he still had to go, being the first son of the _Lee Enterprise._

He stared at Jaemin's message on his phone. "Put that away and look up, " his mother gritted out, standing next to him, in front of all the many people present in the hall. He scoffed, "I was just checking–"

"Keep quiet. You don't have anything to do with the company, at least look presentable."

He stared at his mother's face. Even after so many years of pampering him, she seems so different now. He put his phone away and straightened his back.

Jeno never hated his parents, just if they could ever understand what he wished for, just once.

He didn't want anything to do with their business, instead, he wanted to explore the world, travel, be free. Not be stuck in some glass room with a desk and a laptop in front of his face.

He wanted adventure in his life, so many things that are yet to be explored and time was just so short.

And that was something that his mother and father were against.

" _How dare you think of something that isn't even possible?"_

_"Travel the world? Bullshit."_

_"You're the heir of this company, son. Understand."_

He wishes he would never understand.

That's how everything crumbled. Their loving nature towards their own son, it all changed. They treated him like he wasn't anything to them.

And after some time, it starts getting to you. The dejected feeling of not being wanted by anyone.

For him, his parent's priority was his priority until one day, it just wasn't anymore. He was a fool to think that his parents would understand if he explained his dream to them. Because to them, it was always their business first and then anything else.

–

He didn't really want to go to their school carnival but Jaemin had forced him and he didn't really have the heart to tell him no.

"See, I told you right? It's not that bad."

Jeno scoffed, "shouldn't have doubted someone as thought-provoking as you."

Jaemin made a face at him but then continued to walk around their school field, filled with people.

That was also the first time he met Huang Renjun.

He was on his way to the washroom when he heard sniffling sounds from inside. A bit taken aback, he unlocked the door that opened with a soft, _click._ There was a boy, eyes filled with tears, face and arm filled with cuts and bruises.

He would've helped but the piercing gaze that the other sent him made it clear that he didn't want to be bothered. So he decided to ignore the boy and entered one of the stalls.

He hesitated a bit while unlocking his door, putting up a front, he finally stepped out. He glanced at the boy, who looked at the verge of fainting. Alarmed, he surged himself towards the latter and saved him from colliding against the floor.

Not knowing where the boy lived he decided to take him to his apartment. Jaemin called his car and the driver was kind enough to drop them to his house.

He cleaned his cuts and wrapped bandages around them.

It was late at night when the wave of exhaustion struck him and he fell asleep, leaning his head on the edge of the bed. It had been a tough day.

The boy had really beautiful eyes. It looked like a pool of amber, careful and alarm.

Jeno couldn't help but stare. His beauty was something that Jeno could see, very rare, but there was loneliness in his eyes. One, that Jeno could never misread. He saw that same loneliness in his own reflection sometimes.

_Renjun._

That was his name.

The same Huang Renjun that was in his class too. But he doesn't really want anything to do with it. So he does what he's best at, he ignores him. Besides, it's not like they're friends, just because Jeno helped him once.

But Renjun, somehow, was different. Something about the way he held himself. That one incident and Jeno sees him everywhere now. In the corner of the class, sitting behind their desk, studying; in the library, sitting idly and reading something; in the cafeteria; even in the only convenience store where he wasn't banned from for buying cigarettes despite being underage.

–

It was funny, how the universe worked sometimes.

The day he had gotten the news of his mother's death. He hadn't cried. Maybe still not accepting it and the fact that she was healthy, smiling just the previous day and suddenly.

His father had looked terrible.

"Why are you here? You don't belong here."

This was probably the most he had smoked in a while. Three packs, one after the other. But the smoke in his neck doesn't soothe him like it always does. He just stares at the expanse of the sky from the roof that he was standing on, watching the smoke fade away into nothing. How unpredictable is life?

Coincidentally, he sees Huang Renjun there too. The look on his face. Broken. Just like how he felt.

How is it that he sees himself in this boy?

He doesn't even know him that well and yet he can read him, can relate to him, without even knowing a single thing about him. He scoffs. Life was something so laughable.

He should probably not do this, it's been so long but he sees the little crack in the boy who he was sharing his cigarette with. He sees it and then he sees through him.

He doesn't want anything to do with this boy, he thinks. Just this once and then he'll never see him again.

It's said that feelings are something that should never be played with. But he's been played so many times that it feels exhausting to care.

It's short-lived. The exhaustion from not caring. Guilt is something that no one likes feeling and he feels it after he sees Renjun's state. Lying on the bed, right next to him, five in the morning, bare-faced. Eyes, that looks so peacefully at ease that he knows probably doesn't get much rest.

He would've gotten up and left but seeing the rise and fall of the latter's chest he slowly lies back down, closing his eyes, even though he knows he won't be getting any sleep.

He opens his eyes next as soon as Renjun does but only because the latter was straddling him. He knows this look too, he knows what Renjun is thinking when his eyes dart towards his lips. Something Jeno would avoid doing. But the guilt was so deafening.

Anything to make the guilt stop.

So he kisses him. Again and again.

–

Six months after his mother's death and life remain the same.

His father still calls him, threatening him, cursing him for all his objections. More than before.

His eyes fall on Renjun, sitting alone in the cafeteria and eating his lunch. And somehow that doesn't settle in his stomach. "Hey, why is he alone?"

Jaemin looks up and around the cafeteria from their table and makes a sound of realisation when he spots Renjun. "I don't know, bruh. He's always alone."

He turns to completely face Jaemin, "our plan of going to China, " Jaemin hums, "let's all of us go." Jaemin's eyes widen, _"all,_ as in, me, you, Mark, Donghyuck, Chenle, Jisung?" Jeno nods.

"And Renjun too."

He raises his eyebrows at Jeno, "why him?" Jeno sits back down on his bench properly before poking his fish cutlet, "we all were in the same group and I feel guilty for not being able to attend that trip." He feels Jaemin eyeing him. "We all would've gotten better grades too if we would've gone."

Jaemin hums in acknowledgement and smiles, looking at Renjun's direction.

He blames himself for feeling down. He doesn't want to be the one that destroys all the fun and that too, after so long. But he can't convince his heart to feel happy, content, pleased. It's because he's not.

At least his friends understand and they don't bother him when he sits alone on their way to Jilin, staring outside the little window, earphones on in case someone decides to come and sit beside him.

Out of everyone, Renjun does. He sits beside him when it gets dark outside and the stars are peeking out. He opens his eyes just a little and stares at the boy next to him, sleeping with a frown on his face. He feels this urge to smoothen that frown but obviously, he doesn't. Instead, he turns his head to the other side, crossing both his arms and feigning sleep.

He tries not to get bothered when Renjun leaves.

It isn't that exciting for him when they finally reach Jilin. He's been associating it with all those business-related things that his parents would forcefully drag him into.

It was late at night when he had retired into his room, which was thankfully all to himself, when Mark came, knocking in. "Hey buddy," Mark slid in, standing next to him in the kitchen, "it's been a rough year, why don't you try and let loose a little?" _A pat_ , "we're all gathering in the cafeteria down at six, let's see if there's something interesting we can do."

He stares at his fries as both Jaemin and Mark talk about their early times when they used to come to Jilin and it does swerve a nostalgic feeling inside him.

Things used to be easy back then when they were younger and not seniors who had to worry about their future and making money.

It could never be possible. He would never be able to change his perception about his parents and they would probably never change their perception about him either. But the guilt had already settled in. He can never change the guilt and he despises it the most.

He's shifted off from his chain of thoughts when the waiter comes and delivers his black coffee, "thank you."

"No problem."

–

He and Mark reach Jaehyun's house first and there he spots the last person he wanted to meet.

"Hi," she hesitantly raises her hand. Still just as beautiful as he had last seen her. Sighing, he walked up to her, "hey Mina." She looks down, smiling, tucking her hair behind her ears, she had two piercings now. He remembers that time when she had told him that she was afraid of getting those.

"You pierced your ears."

She perks up, hand instinctively coming up to touch the little tops decorating her ears, "you noticed, got it a year back." Jeno nods, looking at his feet, "you wanna go somewhere else?"

They decide on going to the roof and he tells her everything. Because it's Mina and he used to share everything with her.

"I'm sorry about your mother."

Jeno smiles bitterly, looking up at the sky, "I'm a terrible son."

Mina shifts, "no, you're not, Jeno. They just didn't agree with your ambitions." Of course, Mina takes his side. She always did and Jeno feels this twinge in his chest, it hurts, remembering that time when he had to leave her.

"I'm sorry." He blurts it out, looking down at his itching hands.

"Don't be, it's not your fault." He doesn't know what she's talking about. The fact that he left her or his mother's death but he doesn't waste any time, cupping her cheeks and kissing her, a soft kiss.

She smiles when they part, sad but understanding and his heart twinges even more.

While coming back from the stares he sees a silhouette of a person, sitting alone on the balcony. He glances at Mina who touches his arm in alarm. Moving a little more forward to see better, "Renjun?"

The latter tenses up a little before turning around and standing, a confused look on his face. His eyes fall on Mina's hand loosely wrapped around his arm and he realizes that Mina was also there. "Oh, this is Mina, my..." He looks at her and she looks back, an understanding passing between them but just as he's about to answer, Renjun beats him to it, standing up and brushing his jeans,

"Renjun, " he says, smiling and offering his hand. He glances at Mina's face and judging from the smile, he comprehends that she already likes him. "I'll be heading down with the others." He says, rushing down the stairs, almost tripping in the process. "What's up with him?" Mina asks laughing a little.

"I don't know," he says, laughing a little himself.

Johnny catches him when he and Mina were idly roaming around the house, drinks in their hands. Johhny's eyes widening when he glances at Mina. He hurries towards them, "hey Jeno," he says with fake enthusiasm, "Mina," he bows at her and she rolls her eyes, "would a gentle lady such as yourself accompany a gentleman, such as myself?" He offers a hand to her. Jeno shakes his head. Johnny, The flirtatious™ but it works, Mina makes a bland face but gives her hand and the older leads her before giving a warning glance to Jeno when she's not looking.

From there onwards, Jaehyun and Doyoung keep him accompanied. Maybe Johnny must have told them about Mina. He wanted to tell them that everything between them was okay but they don't give him a chance, forcing him to drink these different cold drinks that he doesn't even know the names of. After being tipsy enough, he starts feeling nauseous.

He gets up from the sofa to tell Doyoung or Jaehyun, whoever was there but the two were completely knocked-off, sleeping on either side, beside him.

He leaves before all of them, calling an Uber to drive him and drop him to the hotel.

When the Uber drops him, he enters the hotel and hurriedly descends towards the roof, fingers itching for a smoke. Being surrounded by the endless navy-blue sky and smoke in the air. He should be fine.

But he isn't.

And he doesn't know why but his feet automatically carries him to Jaemin and Renjun's shared room. The door was unlocked and it was dark inside. He thinks that nobody is inside but the sound of glass being kept on a surface catches his attention. Taking tentative steps towards the kitchen, he sees Renjun, drinking water in the dark, massaging his temple and letting a sound of discomfort.

He eyes the latter's form and moves forward, holding onto him. The warmth feels familiar and comforting. It sets his heart at an even pace. He kisses his neck and then feeling the latter shiver, he turns him around and kisses him properly, carrying him to his room.

"Why are you here?"

_Why was he here?_

_To seek comfort?_

He doesn't tell Renjun the truth.

And when he finally leaves, he goes to his room, running a frustrating hand across his hair, once the door is locked.

–

"Are you sure? They're not really used to it like us."

Johnny hummed, "you're right Jaem. But we weren't either when we first started."

He scoffed, "what bullshit. We almost got caught at that time."

They anyway decide on introducing their graffiti–expedition. It's fun, he loved the entire idea and thrill. Taking, this could be a change maybe, a distraction.

He gets teamed up with Renjun.

Spray painting was something that he finds oddly satisfying. The way the paint falls perfectly, following every curve and lines that Jeno wishes to draw, just like how he sees it in his head. It's beautiful.

Renjun draws well too, he notices. His colour palette usually is these colours; pink, orange blue.

Just when everything is going smoothly, according to plan, two policemen start following them. He sees the panic in Renjun's eyes but they decide on following Doyoung's plan. He runs on another lane and he catches Renjun right on time.

The coast is finally clear, he glances at Renjun and gasps softly. His nose was bleeding and his eyes were closed.

Cursing under his breath, he dails Doyoung's number, telling him everything. Out of nowhere, an image of his mother enters his vision, her lying limp inside her casket. He hears the panic in the older voice, he fails at hiding it but they somehow find them. Jeno carries Renjun on his back and they go back to the hotel once they clear his nose.

Jeno, along with the others, takes him to his room.

He feels this sense of restlessness. Renjun, lying down, limp on his bed. "Is he dead?" Donghyuck asks.

Somewhere from behind, Doyoung tsks, "no, idiot."

He doesn't remove his eyes from Renjun.

It's so weird.

Renjun gains conscious and everyone is relieved but he still feels this heaviness in his chest. Like a huge burden has been lifted off but not without leaving a dent behind.

It's Renjun who wraps his hand around him this time. He feels this irresistible feeling when the latter breathes against his neck, he turns his head and traps Renjun against the counter.

_Why are you doing this to me?_

He kisses his neck, feels him inhale a sharp breath. "You're not well." He slips his hand under Renjun's shirt, anything to make him feel tangible– that this is real. But the latter doesn't say anything and it starts worrying him. "Why does your nose bleed so often?" Renjun doesn't answer, instead, he holds onto Jeno's nape, bringing him down and kisses him, Jeno kisses him back with the same fervour.

They keep kissing each other, without catching a breath. Jeno leads him towards his room, where he sleeps alone. Opening the door and locking it before stumbling against it with Renjun's back on it. Even in the darkness, Jeno finds Renjun's lips.

The image of him lying motionless on his bed enters his mind and he opens his eyes, looking at Renjun, taking his form in.

_He's here._

"Jeno." Renjun stares at his face with worry.

_Why is he the one worried?_

Jeno cups his cheeks and kisses him, soft and lingering, taking both of his hands, lifting them against the wall.

It's _so weird_.

He stares at Renjun's sleeping form. His eyelashes touching the apple of his cheeks, face flushed and a little tired. He brushes the strand of black locks away from his eyes. Renjun opens his eyes and he retracts his hands, thinking that he woke him up.

They both just stare at each other's face, trying to make out of what had happened today. _Today,_ that was different than any other times. And he fears that Renjun felt it too.

–

They all decide on going to Johnny's party and everything deemed to be so far away again as he wishes the birthday boy and the latter forces him to dance.

He felt happy. Odd.

"You look good today, " Mina says a little loud next to his ears so he could hear properly. "Thank you," he smiles. Today would be different.

He spots Renjun, on his way to the washroom and he decides to follow him.

"Do you ever feel like giving up?" Jeno turns and looks at him. The latter was staring at the ceiling but mind far off, somewhere else but he shuts his eyes almost immediately, like as if regretting whatever he had said.

"Depends on what you're giving up," he answers.

"Jeno."

He turns his head to look at Renjun with furrowed eyes. "Do you ever feel like giving up," he pauses, "on life?" Jeno registers what he said, his voice so soft and small.

"Sometimes."

"How?"

He thinks about his life and how it is. "Just, life is hard."

"Like a rock."

He looks at Renjun. The latter looked serious, like as if he hadn't realised that he's had just cracked a joke, which makes it funnier. So he laughs, "yep, like a rock."

Renjun smiles, his eyes sparkling with the flush in his cheeks. Jeno's eyes travel to his neck and he rests his face there, seeking some more of whatever Renjun was willing to give.

That day, he learns that perhaps Renjun was way more broken from inside than he lets on.

–

The truth is, it creeps in every now and then. The sadness.

Mina calls him to check up on him and he is grateful but he still feels hollow inside.

And he notices, how Renjun sometimes acts strange, like this time, standing on the balcony, his eyes shifting from staring at his face to his cell.

It's confusing but when Renjun kisses him, he lets him.

There are many things in this world to worry about. But somehow, when he's beside someone, it doesn't affect him as much as it should. Just like remembering how huge the entire universe is and how there are so many things that are yet to be discovered, his own troubles, then, seems smaller.

He turns and looks at Renjun, the slight rising and falling of his chest, breathing evenly and it makes him feel like he's _dragging_ the latter, in this hollowness with him.

"Why so suddenly?"

"I–"

"I don't know Jeno."

He gets up and straddles Jeno, the sheets resting on his hips. Jeno senses his discomfort so he tries to avert the topic, getting up to change their position, "your nose didn't bleed today–"

"I think, I like you."

His heart drops. And Renjun sees it, a mixture of hurt and realisation reflecting his face. He turns, his back facing him but it's too late. What had to be said is said?

He leaves. He thought he was dragging the latter to the hollowness that he was falling into.

But it was something much worse.

–

It eventually starts affecting everything else in his life that he cares about; like football.

"What is wrong with you today?"

"That's none of your business." He walks past the two seniors, knocking his shoulder against theirs.

"Oh, but you see, it is our business if you fucking do this on purpose." One of them grits out. "It shouldn't bother you, take care of the guys on your team instead of fishing after your juniors," he mutters. The thing is, he wouldn't have induced them. He wouldn't have even paid attention to what they were saying only if he wasn't already having a bad day; being scolded by his coach, his class teacher, heck even his principal.

He hears them scoff. "See, I told you, this guy is doing all of this on purpose."

He decides on ignoring them this time and walks past them inside the locker room.

He hears footsteps following him, sighing, he braces himself for whatever was about to happen.

"Whoa, whoa. Hold up," he's leaning against the brick of the table by the time Jaemin catches up. From the corner of his eyes, he sees the two seniors backing away. "Are you serious?" Jaemin asks, anger lingering in his voice. "Jaem, it's fine–"

"No it's not, firstly and secondly, you both should run away as far as possible before that reaches the principal." Jeno glances at Jaemin to see what the latter was talking about, he follows his finger and sees a CCTV camera adjusted on the wall, facing their direction.

The two seniors curse under their breaths before making a run for it.

"Seriously, what idiots."

He makes the excuse of going to the washroom when Jaemin tries approaching him, ignoring his calls.

There, he unexpectedly spots Renjun. He was caught off guard and by the looks of it–even the latter was, especially since their last encounter. He didn't have the courage to talk to Renjun and the latter didn't bother either.

Remembering his state and why he was there in the first place, he decides to ignore him and get out of there with no formal destination in mind.

But Renjun was faster, catching him off guard again, hand wrapping itself around his wrist–dragging him to the infirmary.

The sister takes a double look at him when they enter, "Oh my god, poor child what happened?" She gestures them to come inside. Jeno is about to answer when Renjun beats him to it, "he fell, sister." He stares at Renjun before taking a seat in front of the sister so she could apply the medicines and bandaids on his cuts.

"How badly did you fall?"

"Tripped from the stairs,"

The sister gives a Jeno a pointed look, making him realize that she probably wouldn't buy that so he settles for;

"..of the assembly hall."

The sister sucks a breath in, "child you should be careful of those stairs, we still need to fix them."

He gives her a sheepish smile and she tsks.

Just when she finishes applying, they get up and are about to leave when, "You, kid," she points a finger at Renjun, "you make sure he reaches home safely. I'm writing a letter for you too."

"Oh, that's not necessary–"

"Sure."

He again stares at Renjun after he cuts him off, taking a hold of the letter.

Throughout their way to Jeno's house, Renjun helps him by making him drape an arm around his shoulder and wrapping an arm around his waist to support him and he can't help but stare at Renjun every now and then. _He isn't mad at me?_ Because all he's done is act like a jerk to whoever was near him.

Renjun puts anti-septic on his wounds and in exchange, Jeno tells him about his encounter with the seniors.

"Thank you," he says after Renjun finishes.

"Oh, it's okay, you helped me, I'm returning the favour."

Oh. _Oh._ So that's why. No wonder. He bit back his disappointment.

_Disappointment, for what?_

He gets up, scratching his earlobe, "um, I should probably leave." Jeno nods and drops him off till the front door.

"So..see you soon."

"Wait."

Jeno shifts his weight from one leg to another, holding onto his doorknob, contemplating.

"Um, about that night–"

"It was a spur-of-the-moment," Renjun blurts out.

"I wasn't in my senses," he finishes, looking at his converse instead.

"Um...right, sure." Jeno gives him a small smile, hoping that it doesn't look all too forced.

"See you later then." It sounds more like a question but Renjun nods nonetheless, returning the smile back and leaves at the same time as Jeno closes the door.

After closing the door, he leans against it, holding onto his chest, letting out a shaky breath.

How is this so difficult?

He should feel relieved...but somehow, he doesn't.

–

Taeyong was another senior that he actually had no problem hanging out with, despite his reputation and the numerous rumours surrounding him.

He seemed pretty chill and laid back. He was also the senior who had first gotten him into the habit of smoking, two years back.

" _You gotta hold the cigarette like it's a missing part of your body that you've suddenly found, " he held the cigarette loosely between his fingers and put it close to his mouth, inhaling it._

_Jeno could just stare as the smoke leaked out of his thin lips, dancing around him even before he exhaled. "Oh my God," he said breathlessly while finally exhaling it._

_"Here, now you try it," he handed the stick to Jeno and the latter just copied whatever he had done._

_He didn't even cough and Taeyong let out an impressed whistle. "Damn Jeno looks like you've got a lot down your chest," a laugh._

Taeyong smiled when he finally spotted him, "hey, Jeno!" He waved exuberantly, a wide smile plastered on his face, making his way towards him and enveloping him in a hug. "Look at you! All grown up." He ruffled Jeno's hair.

"What Taeyong, you're already drunk?" Jaemin said, sliding in from behind.

Taeyong ruffled his hair too, "we'll, you don't get to do this everyday now do you?" He said, playfully, grabbing two bottles and handing it over to both of them.

The thing about Taeyong, he's probably the most carefree soul he's ever met. Things become so easy around and he envies that about him. He's the master of zero fucks take and zero fucks give. It's natural to lose yourself being around someone like him.

So he loses count of how many beers he's consumed and nothing makes sense. One time, he's calling for his mother and second, he's calling for Renjun.

"You know," he stands up too fast, getting a little light-headed before catching hold of himself, blinking a couple of times, "I'm gonna go look for Renjun."

Somewhere beside him, he heard Jaemin groaning, "dude, sit, he's not here."

The journey to Renjun's apartment is a blur. He doesn't even remember how he got there.

He registers that only when he wakes up and sees an unfamiliar surrounding, only to realise that it is in fact, Renjun's apartment. He stays seated on the bed, looking outside the small window, right above the bed.

Thinking of taking a quick smoke, he opens the door, cautious of where Renjun might be, but the latter was already awake, lying down perfectly on the black couch in his living room.

He tries studying any form of affliction on his face, maybe something stupid that Jeno did last night.

"Why are you up?" He asks, seemingly normal, rubbing his eyes.

Jeno scratches the back of his head and looks around before taking the hand out from inside the pocket of the sweatshirt to show the packet of cigarette. "Um, where can I?" Trying to convey the message by trailing off but Renjun realises what he means, he makes a soft _ah_ sound before continuing, "on the roof?"

The entire city was fast asleep, just the soft, relaxing chirping of birds, cool air, brushing his face.

The sky was slowly gaining it's usual bright colour and Jeno's fingers were holding onto a stick of cigarette.

Jeno turns as soon as Renjun enters. Smiling a little at the familiar atmosphere, joining him. "I chose this apartment for this," he says, without tearing his gaze from the beautiful sleeping city.

He takes out another cigarette and lights it up. After breathing it in and out a couple of times he offers one to Renjun. Renjun takes it without much hesitation.

His lips had the aftertaste of cigarettes when he kisses him.

"Jeno, we should stop."

He had been waiting for this. Thinking exactly when the day would come when Renjun would finally be sick of it. He brings his head up, levelling it with Renjun's face.

"We should stop," he repeats, seriously but Jeno just looks at him, probing him and then kisses him, thinking, _one last time_ and then begins to pull away when Renjun folds his legs around his waist, pulling him down, latching his lips against Jeno's again.

When they're done, he slumps down beside Renjun, both of them catching their breaths.

Renjun turns his back towards him and he buries his head against his nape, liking the heat radiating from the contact.

"Jeno, what if I told you that a friend of mine liked a friend of his but he was too afraid of sharing his emotions?"

Maybe he knows where this is going, maybe he doesn't. Renjun wasn't someone he knew personally but somehow he knows him. He doesn't really know how to explain it.

He sighs, "then that friend of yours should be sure about his friend's feelings too," Renjun turns his head very slightly and Jeno stares at the mole on his shoulder, his lips moves towards his shoulders and then up towards the slope of his neck, turning Renjun to face him, biting his ear lobe.

"Jeno, do you like me?"

Jeno stops. He knows where this is going and an involuntary panic resembles inside him.

"What if I told you that I liked you?"

This is what he meant when he said that he knows Renjun without really knowing him. He can read exactly what is written on his face.

"Do you want to date me?"

–

"You and Renjun?"

"Hmm. What about it?"

"I'm sorry, wait. You and Renjun and dating?"

"Yes, Donghyuck."

"It's Haechan and you can't just call me and be like, _oh I'm not coming to school today and by the way, I'm dating Renjun._ "

Jeno grimaces, clasping his hand around his phone, "I didn't say that..."

"Yeah but that's exactly how it sounded. I mean, I always felt this sexual tension between you two but I thought it was all just in my head, guess not.

"You, done?"

"Yep, take care idiot."

The line gets cuts.

He sighs, massaging his temple that had been hurting since the morning. He doesn't even know why he called Donghyuck out of all people. Maybe to receive some kind of closure to know what he was doing was right. But his brain keeps chanting, _it's a huge mistake._

Switching off his phone was probably the only solution left. It was flooded with messages about his "new relationship," even from people he barely spoke to.

Just when he's about to press his power button, his phone starts ringing. Jaemin.

He pauses, thumb hovering over the receiving end, thinking of what to say.

"Hello–"

"You and Renjun are dating?" He sounds...happy?

"Uh-yeah."

"Jeno, I mean, I asked Renjun but just wanted to be sure. Seriously?"

"Yeah, Jaem."

"Damn, finally. All that tension, ooff."

Jeno scowls again before realising that Jaemin can't see him, "what tension?" The latter chuckles on the other side, "nothing, nothing, you wouldn't get it. Only the eyes of the beholder can."

He wasn't expecting Renjun to visit him. _Was he worried about me?_

Jeno gapes at him as he stands outside, just a foot away from his door. A box of hot potato porridge clasped in his hand.

"Hey," he simply says as Jeno continues to stare at him before coming back to reality and opening the door wider, a silent invitation.

He takes off his converse and wears the comfortable slip-on's right in front of his entrance. "Sorry for showing up like this, um, Jaemin told me that you weren't well so i just wanted to check up on you," he rambles on, lifting up the box of the porridge.

"oh," he quickly grabs a small table mat and places it near so that Renjun could place it on top of it.

"How are you feeling now?"

Renjun watches as him as he puts a spoon full inside his mouth, "better." He only stands next to the dining table and doesn't really have anything to do. After a minute or two, of just fiddling with his fingers and watching Jeno heat up the porridge he lifts up his empty bag. "I- um, I'll be heading out now."

He turns, shutting off his stove, the spoon still inside his mouth as he places the pot of porridge on his table. "Stay for some time."

"Hm?"

"Stay till I finish this," he stands behind his chair and then lifts his pot, making his way towards the couch placed in front of an LED TV. Renjun follows him.

–

His head was thrumming.

"Hey, don't worry. You'll be fine, " his coach gave him a reassuring pat on his back.

That didn't stop his feet from shaking nervously. He rubbed his face, filling his mouth with some water before splashing it out. Today was a big game, his mind was filled with it ever since he had woken up.

Currently, he was sitting inside his locker room and there was chaos everywhere.

_It's okay. We'll do well._

Their coach calls out for them and they finally set out in the field. Their team and the team of their neighbouring school assemble with the referee assisting the game. His eyes automatically fall on the crowd, watching them, some familiar faces, some unfamiliar.

His eyes widen as soon as it falls on one particular familiar face from among the people. Renjun, with a soft look on his face.

His chest fills with this feeling, an overwhelming one that he can't describe. It's extremely overpowering to a point that he has to tear his gaze away.

The game starts and goes by within the blink of an eye.

Throughout the game, he keeps glancing every now and then towards Renjun and the feeling returns. It encourages him to do well.

The big shock comes to him when he scores a goal, after struggling for so long with his form, finally scoring felt so good. And from there, it goes well.

They win, two-nil.

When the match is finally over, both the team's shake hands and exchange jerseys.

His eyes fall on Renjun and Jaemin. The latter had an arm wrapped over his shoulder and it's so normal, it shouldn't matter but he feels this nagging feeling at the back of his mind.

Mentally telling himself to get a grip, he exits the scene to change out of his sweaty jersey but even after entering the empty locker room, the image of Jaemin's hand around Renjun's shoulder keeps disturbing his train of thoughts about the match.

He hears someone behind him. The person places a hand on his shoulder, tensing him up before realising the touch. So familiar that he knows right away who it is, relaxing under the touch.

He turns around, Renjun was standing right in front of him with a worried expression on his face.

He nears close to Renjun, head falling on his shoulder, hands holding onto his arms then lifting his face and placing his forehead on Renjun's, eyes still closed.

"You did well."

It had just been two days since they last saw each other but Jeno still found his voice soothing. Like as if he had been missing it. He burrows his face deeper against Renjun's shoulder, breathing in the lavender smell radiating from his skin.

After staying like that for some time, Renjun cups his face, tilting it and pecks his lips. Jeno opens his eyes and gapes at him. Renjun looks everywhere else but at his face.

That overwhelming feeling comes back.

He hadn't even told Renjun about the match and yet he came.

Jeno takes a step forward, automatically making Renjun step back until his back collides against one of the lockers. He places a hand next to his head on the locker, caging him.

"Why did you come today?"

"Because Jaemin told me to?" Jeno doesn't say anything. "Because I got off work early?"

"I wanted to see you play," he finally says, softly.

Jeno kisses him, hand tightening around Renjun's waist. He starts moving his lips from his jaw to his neck, lowering his tee with a finger, pushing him more against the locker. Renjun closes his eyes, his head, hitting back against the metal of the locker.

–

He takes a cold shower right after.

When he comes out, the others had already gathered around but his eyes fall on Renjun before averting them.

"So, sir, how was the locker intercourse?" Jasmine asks, wiggling his eyebrows. Jeno makes a distasteful face at him just to tick him off before standing beside Renjun.

"Look, the opposite team's main aim was attacking because they thought our defence would be up– are you listening?"

He whipped his head towards Jaemin, "huh? Yeah."

Jaemin stopped on his tracks, "see, you'll be fine. You played well today didn't you?"

"Uh, yeah."

Only if he knew that there was this profound thing, other than football that was now bothering him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...*nervous laugh* this is probably the longest and the angsty-est(is that even a word?) one that I've written so far. Jeno did seem to be a jerk, didn't he? But a lot of you did catch up in the last chapter about his ways :,) Damn, the way I cried a lot while writing this one(for reasons that shall be unknown) but I hope y'all enjoyed this🥴 agh, writing this one was tough


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a hot while. Hi, so I was reading the comments over and over again and it was honestly so surprising how y'all caught on, like damn, you all smort😳 also, please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors, editing is tough🥴

_It's so strange how the days just come by without any warning._

_He was running, panting to get a hold of his breath._

_Glancing back every now and then to see if those boys were still following him._

–

Socials, in his school, was like prom but it would take place every now and then with their neighbouring school.

Groaning he put his head down on the table. "Yangyang, what do I do?" He rubbed his eyes to have a clearer vision after lifting his head up.

"What do I do, what? Just buy a suit," he replied, flipping the page of his storybook, not really caring.

"Buy– Yangyang, it'll probably cost my entire life." He groaned and put his head down on the table again, shaking his leg in a frenzied way.

"What do I do? It's just two days away."

"You know," Yangyang pauses, to turn his page, "you could always rent a suit."

He thought about it and of course! Renting a suit won't be that expensive at all. Probably just a couple of won for a single night.

"Yangyang."

Yangyang finally looks up from his book irritably, "thank you, you're the best, " he said, raising a thumb, pointing it towards the latter.

–

"Jungwoo, do you happen to know where I could rent a suit from, somewhere affordable."

It was one of those days again when Jungwoo would drop him till his apartment because he would take a metro to house and the metro happened to be close to Renjun's apartment building.

"Oh, I actually know a place, I could take you."

Renjun opened his mouth and then shut it again. Jungwoo jerks his chin, "what do you say?"

He was being hesitant because if he's not able to afford it then he wouldn't have to embarrass himself in front of Jungwoo.

"Um, actually–"

"Just check it out, maybe see if it suits your budget?"

Renjun smiles gratefully at him, "okay, sure. How about tomorrow?"

The place that Jungwoo had taken him to was a place he had never before visited or heard of.

"See, good right? I came along?"

He looked around, the place was filled with people, a busy street with no one paying attention to each other, too immersed in their own business, "yeah, I would've been so lost here."

The store that he had borrowed the suit from didn't look fancy or wasn't that big either but the owner had known Jungwoo, greeting him and hugging him with wide-eyes.

The tuxedo, too, was black and very minimal, black with a straight cut but it had fitted him perfectly, along with a white shirt inside and black suit pants.

Twenty-thousand won for on the night. It was a pretty reasonable deal too.

"I wouldn't have been able to do this without you so, thank you, so much." Jungwoo just shook his hand and while returning bought him his favourite, chocolate flavoured ice cream and even dropped him till his house.

Sighing, he fixed the cuffs of his tuxedo.

"Chill, will you? You're looking very good," Yangyang made his way and stood behind him, dusting the imaginary dust off his shoulders.

He scans his eyes over his appearance one more time.

"I want to dye my hair."

And that's how he was sitting on the chair, inside his washroom with Yangyang applying the cheap bleach that they had bought.

"It kinda burns." Yangyang chuckles, "yep, it will burn a little."

He gasped as soon as he saw the state of his hair, a bad shade of orange.

"Okay, calm down. It'll be fine, we're gonna apply the actual colour after."

After hours of bleaching and staying still and then applying the layers of colour, Renjun gets a good look of himself on his mirror. His now black hair, silver locks and a faded lilac on his crown.

It feels awkward to go to school, wearing a suit, on a bus. Everyone stares at him as soon as he climbs on, because why would a kid be wearing a suit, it must look odd to their eyes. But they not only stare because of his suit but also because of the vibrant colour of his hair and he wants to shout and say that he knows and to just please _stop_ starting cause it makes him feel so anxious.

The bus drops him till his school and he gets off with shaky limbs.

His palms are soaking wet as soon as he gets inside, trying to blend in and enter as quietly as possible.

Thankfully, the hall was dark with an alternating change in colour from blue to red and a DJ at the far end of the hall in an elevated platform, blasting loud music.

_"Leonjunnie?"_

He turns, knowing all too well who the owner of that voice is. The only person who pronounces his name like that. He smiles brightly as soon as he sees Jaemin.

"Oh my god, I almost didn't recognise you," he says, surprised, eyes travelling to his hair and he tentatively runs his hand at the back of his hair, "I know, wanted to try something different."

"Oh, you look amazing." He laughs.

Thankfully everyone was dressed in formal attire.

"Thank you, you clean up well too."

He meets the rest, looking so mature in their suits. But his eyes linger on Jeno longer, he was a usual black tuxedo jacket with black dress pants along, a black vest over a white dress shirt whose with the top couple of buttons undone _and_ he was wearing a plain black bandana, making his hair fall out over it, reaching the tip of his eyes.

His adjusts the collar of his own tux.

The event wasn't that eventful. It was just boys and girls dancing, not with each other though because of the wondering eyes of the teachers who kept roaming around to make sure no one was doing any funny business.

Mark came and joined their table after talking to one of his friends. "It's sooooo boring, I could actually sleep," Donghyuck said lazily, propping his head on his elbow.

"Guys, I just got to know something, " Mark said in a hushed tone, huddling over Renjun and Jaemin's shoulder. "What?"

"They've sneaked some in." All of them gasped, except him, Jeno and Jisung.

"Sneaked in what?" Jisung asked looking around.

"You're too naive, my friend."

–

"Here."

He peeked inside the plastic cup that Donghyuck was passing over to him. Peering at him, he asked, "what is this?"

"Alcohol. _Idiot,_ it's just some cherry juice."

He took the cup from Donghyuck's hand, looking suspiciously at his face.

"Donghyuck!" Someone shouted his name from a distance.

"Haechan."

"Ah, okay, sorry," a boy came up to them, a junior.

"Renjun, Dejun. Dejun. Renjun."

The boy wiped his hand on his tux before flashing a bright smile, probably brighter than Jaemin's, and offering it to Renjun, "oh, hello," they both shook hands before Donghyuck left with Dejun to carry out some task.

This was the second time that he trips while walking the same steps.

Around the corner of outside the hall where he had last seen Donghyuck, he sees some seniors huddled together in one corner. Curious, he steps forward to see what was going on when one of them turns around and spots him.

He sees something lit when he realises. Those were not cigarettes. The entire area smelled like weed and he knew very well what weed smelled like, he wasn't a stranger to it anymore. But smoking a joint inside the school-enterprise in itself has extreme consequences.

He wants to warn them and tell them to do whatever that they were doing in a more secluded place but he senses danger when all of them, one by one turn their heads towards his direction, trying to hide their joint.

Seeing the alarmed by their stance, he decides to make a run for it.

Through the various dimly lit hallways of his school. He could hear them behind him. "Catch him! Don't let him get away with this!"

He runs across the field to the other block of his school building. Tears forming in his eyes as he reaches the dark hallway of washrooms.

He keeps running until his body collides with something or rather someone.

"What are you doing–"

He was staring at Jeno's face and then his ears catch the sound of feet and faint voices far but not that far at the same time.

He didn't have the time nor the energy to pry why Jeno was doing there in the restricted area, looking at him with panic etched on his face, hyperventilating.

"H-help me," He somehow manages to blurt out, eyes shifting frantically.

It doesn't take that long for him to comprehend but suddenly he was being pushed inside one of the dark washroom stalls.

He hears them nearing, feet coming in contact with the floor. "Lock all the doors, let's see how that fucker comes out then."

He feels panic rising at the pit of his stomach and stares at Jeno with wide eyes. Maybe Jeno senses his panic because he put a hand against his mouth to stop him from making any sound.

"I'm going to skin that motherfucker alive."

A sob escapes his lip but Jeno tightens his hand so that it's not audible.

Renjun shoots his eyes open and stares at Jeno but stiffens one look at the others face. It's illuminated with the little bit of moonlight coming from the small window, blonde hair shining reaching the tip of his eyes looking at his face with slight fear but also determinant.

He hears the footsteps come closer. He feels himself shaking, feels the wetness in the hand that's covering his mouth, realising that it's his tears, he starts whimpering involuntarily. He sees Jeno's eyes alarming and eyebrows scrunching even more. He shakes his head in a signal for Renjun to stop but Renjun shakes his head back, not being able to hold in.

Jeno let's go of his face slowly and brings it to his cheeks, touching it carefully.

_Calm down._

He notices the proximity between them. He wills himself to notice all these things. He notices how he's pressed against the door. Jeno has his body against him, which he realises is smart, the door didn't have a lock. The pressure won't let those people open in. He tries to keep his mind distracted but they keep mumbling threats and the thought makes his eyes water again but he doesn't remove his eyes from Jeno's face who, in return blinks his eyes once, looking dark against the moonlight.

_It's alright._

Jeno moves his hand away from his mouth, placing a finger on top of his lips, asking him to be quiet and then holds the door handle. Renjun, realising what he's about to do grabs onto his wrist, shaking his head violently but Jeno doesn't listen, opening the door, intuitively Renjun moves to the side to hide behind the door.

He walks out, closing the door in the process.

He hears Jeno's footsteps till it fades and then muffled exchanges between them;

"There's no one here..."

"Really? Someone?"

"Who? A junior?"

"You shouldn't you be picking a fight with someone your size at least for modesty."

The more he hears the conversation, the more angry Jeno seems to sound.

"Um, thank you for helping me, " he thanks the heavens for not stuttering.

Jeno and he walked slowly. Jeno walks while kicking the stray rocks on his way, hands inside in his pockets.

"It okay," he replies after a beat too long of silence. "You should," Jeno stops himself. Renjun looks at him with anticipation.

One glance. "You should stand up for yourself."

Renjun looks down at his feet, bitter thoughts filling his mind, "I should, shouldn't I?"

It's so difficult to be able to open up to someone, so difficult to be yourself, so difficult to forget all the bad things happening in life. He thinks back to when his aunt would beat him sometimes. Small memories like these that make him feel so weak.

Tears well up in his eyes, thinking about how cowardly he ran, instead of standing up for himself. He not only made a fool of himself but he also let himself down.

He hadn't even realised that they've stopped walking. He wipes his tears, feeling like a sore loser.

He feels two arms encircling around his shoulders, his head being tucked in. He doesn't hug Jeno back, feeling too overwhelmed but he does bury his face in Jeno's chest and just closes his eyes for once, calming himself and telling himself that it's alright.

–

It's surprising really, how much people change. He thinks that, sitting on the dining table in his aunt's house. And she keeps rambling on about something, he's not paying attention to.

"I don't know why she has to bring that stupid son of her's–are you listening?"

Renjun widens his eyes a little before pretending to have an understanding of what she's saying, replying with a _hmm._

"So, I have some clothes for you here, you could wear those–"

"What? Why?" He feels like facepalming himself. Here goes nothing.

Putting her chopsticks down, his aunt takes some remain of meat stuck in between her teeth and looks at him. "You are staying here for the entire weekend, your other aunt is getting married."

"I have another aunt?"

She looks seconds away from snapping at him before calming herself down, "yes, you do. You and I, together have to go so you have to stay here till the weekend."

Glancing at his aunt, it doesn't look like he has any other options.

"Will uncle be there too?"

"No. He wouldn't dare," she mutters. Renjun doesn't ask any further questions.

His room pretty much looks the same. Just the bed is no more the small double-decker one that he used to sleep alone in, but a single long but narrow one, probably only big enough to fit just one person.

He changes into the track pants and loose shirt that his aunt had left out for him.

The view from the little window outside was always the same, a building in front of it. It was the same window he used to peek out of whenever his aunt would leave the house or whenever he would be feeling down.

He kneels down, remembering the little copy that he had where he would practice his Korean and sometimes even write his feeling down.

Right beneath the bed was a little trap-door - not even big enough to be called a trapped door secured safely under the carpet.

He lifted the door and spotted his book, in a little rugged state but it was still in one piece. The drawing, his rough handwriting, everything was still in there. Smiling, remembering his younger self, he flipped the pages and read through all the random things that he used to write.

"You were so young," he flinches before seeing his aunt standing outside his door. "I used to feel so bad for you."

 _Such_ _a liar_.

"Then why would you treat me like that?"

She looked down. "I was angry. At my sister, at myself." Renjun put the book down.

"She married that man and was completely destroyed. She wasn't like that Renjun, she wasn't. She was a very bright, cheerful person before."

She sniffles, "I know you wouldn't believe me but I am really sorry for how you were raised. No one deserved that."

He clenched his fist. _Don't say it. It's okay. Just don't._

"You can say whatever you want, I'm ready to listen to whatever is that you have to say."

_It's okay. Don't say it, it's not worth it._

She carefully left the room. Renjun was still kneeling on the floor, wet blotches of tears landing on his clenched fist.

–

A big spot of his pillow was wet. And sleep wouldn't come to him.

He was crouched, back resting against his cold wall, staring at the shadows caused by the moon's light entering the darkness of his room.

A knock on his door, "Renjun, come out, eat some."

He could say no, he could say that he's not hungry but he gives up on those self-destruct thoughts and slowly opens the door. His aunt looks at him like as if she wasn't expecting him to come out.

Renjun couldn't bare looking at her face so they eat in silence, taking big bites so he could go back inside and stay alone for sometime.

"Thank you for the meal, " he says bowing and then strides back to his room, locking it.

"Renjun," he stops but doesn't turn. "I don't want to ask for your forgiveness but please I want you to know," her voice breaks a little, "I want you to know that you're an extremely strong child. Blame your father, hate him but don't hate your mother, she had to give up a lot of things."

He doesn't allow the tears lure out of his eyes, "I don't hate her, aunt. I just blamed myself for everything that happened to me."

"Thank you again for the meal." He strides back inside his room, finally letting the tears out.

–

He jerked at hearing a kid's cry and a nudge on his back.

"Hi, you must be Huang jun." He was sitting on the empty rounds table of the huge hall, eating the appetizers when a head plopped right in front of his face.

"Ah-oh, it's Renjun–"

"I know, it may come as a surprise but I'm your older brother."

Renjun fiddled on his chair, feeling uncomfortable by the intruder's words.

"Oh, sorry I didn't mean to– I mean, my name is Yongqin but you can call me Ten, I'm your first cousin. Also, nice hair," he said, smiling.

"Oh, looks like you finally met him," a lady, around his aunt's age joined the other boy - Yongqin, putting a hand around his shoulders.

"Hello Renjun, I'm Lian, your second aunt." She had a kind demeanour and Renjun found himself smiling at her, "it's very good to meet you aunt."

Looking around, he realised that he didn't know anyone and all the people were apparently related to him in some way or the other.

"You see that lady, in the blue dress," he looked around to spot any lady dressed in blue. "That one, three o'clock, " drifting his head a little he finally saw the lady.

"Hmm."

"Saw? She's our cousin aunt," Ten said, without moving his eyes from the crowd of people.

Renjun was so amused, his aunt wasn't lying when she had said that weddings bring families closer.

"And the lady standing next to her?" he hummed after seeing her, "that's her aunt." Renjun looked at him with widened eyes, "but she looks younger."

"Yeah, she is," Ten said, chuckling after seeing Renjun's reaction.

The wedding was actually enjoyable. He had fun staying with Ten, the latter was a good company to be with.

"It's amazing how you know almost everyone present here."

Ten laughed, "well I'll tell you a little secret?" Renjun nodded. "They love me too much, they say that when I brighten the place when I'm around. So, you eventually start memorising all these faces when you see them every now and then."

It is true, Ten seemed to be an introvert who was an extrovert. And it sounds confusing but it showed, by the way, he would talk to almost every guest, shy but not failing to fish out things that would fluster the person who would talk to him. A lot like Mark.

And then he starts wondering how it would be if he would introduce Ten to the rest. Mark and Ten would definitely bond.

"U-um Ten _ge,"_ Ten clicked his tongue, "I told you to call me just Ten, drop it."

An awkward laugh, "okay Ten, do you live here or do you live in China?"

"I'm actually staying here for some time."

"Ah."

"So, anyone caught your eyes yet?"

"Huh?"

They were walking idly in the huge garden right in front of the wedding venue.

"Did anyone catch your attention? Wait, are you already dating someone?"

His thoughts fish back towards Jeno. It seems...weird they're in a relationship. God, _they're in_ _a relationship._

He's freed from his whirl of thoughts when Ten bumps his shoulders, "what's up? You seem contemplative."

"Nothing."

"I get it," he puts his glass of dragon fruit juice down, "you're in _that_ kind of relationship, aren't you? The one where you don't know where your's or the other person's feelings lie." It doesn't even sound like a question, it sounds like a statement.

"Sometimes, I really hate him. But sometimes I can't really blame him, I know how difficult it can be to say no to someone."

Once the dam is set loose, all the water starts gushing out and there's really no stopping it.

Ten looks like he's calculating and processing all the information, "so you're saying that he felt bad for you that's why he's 'dating' you?

Renjun brings his other hand up to hold his glass, " I mean, it could be anything but my inkling feeling it is that."

Ten purses his lips.

"You know, Renjun, give him some time. While it could be that he's dating you because he feels bad but it could also be something else. Besides," he takes the empty glass away from his hand, "you never know what a person is going through."

"So you're dating someone?"

Ten all of a sudden starts looking down at his feet, acting shy all of a sudden.

"Well, I am seeing this girl but we don't really know where we stand right now."

Renjun doesn't know whether its the exhaustion from all the travelling or what but he actually sees all the stars in Ten's as he continues to talk about the girl. Renjun's heart tightens again.

He feels bad before leaving, bowing at all his relatives, whoever he met. He reaches Ten and hugs him, "you know, if it wasn't for you, I would've died out of boredom." Renjun laughs in agreement.

They exchange phone numbers and then he and his aunt leave the venue.

–

"Thank God for Sunday, honestly," Yangyang groans loudly, "god, it's so boring here. Do you always have to work?"

Renjun takes the tin of mints away from his hands and puts it back on the countertop for display, "no, just this Sunday. Get off the counter."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. You missed this Friday's work am I right?"

Yangyang had decided to accompany him to his work at the store because it was an off day for Jungwoo and he was going to be alone. Yangyang had been petrified at the whole idea of him being alone,("how can I let my dear best friend be alone? I'm going to accompany you!")

He let out a breath of abstinence. "You know, I wouldn't mind working alone, you didn't have to take up the whole burden of accompanying me."

Yangyang clicked his tongue, "nonsense. See? It's so much better now that I'm here," he said, climbing on top of the counter again and knocking off the small stand of mints in the process.

Yangyang let out an awkward laugh. Renjun pinched his nose. "Sure."

"How were your exams?" Yangyang let out a soulless laugh, "don't even ask dude. Pretty sure gonna fail in like half the subjects."

"How are your preparations going?" Renjun shrugs his shoulders, "the same, barely get time to study though."

"Bro, just give up, like me. See?" He made a display of throwing both his arms up, "I have no ambitions in life."

"Yeah, but I do, right?" Renjun said, carefully placing the tin of mints back on it's stand. "Really? What?"

Renjun glanced at Yangyang.

"Oh come on! I know that look. Tell me, I'm your best best buddy," he contorted his voice to make it sound pseudo child-like making Renjun cringe and choosing to completely ignore him.

"Seriously, tell me." He started whining. "Okay, okay. I'll tell you but not today." Yangyang's face falls from being hopeful to nothing. "Fine. But you better tell me," he said in a warning tone, pointing a finger at him.

"What's with the face?"

"What?"

"You look, constipated, what's wrong with you?"

He quickly fixes his expression, pulling the blandest expression ever, delivering it to Yangyang.

"Nothing, just thinking about how I'll go home."

They both in unision turn their heads towards the transparent door of the store, staring at the dark atmosphere. "It's for sure gonna rain."

"Thank god I bought my umbrella, I'll drop you."

"Yeah but then you'll have to, come to my house and way future than your's."

Yangyang tsks, "yeah, so? I'm not letting you get a fever with your exams so close okay."

One thing he knows is to never fight or argue with Yangyang. That boy, will never leave his stance.

–

He stares at Jeno as the later stands outside his apartment door, a black over sized coat adorning over his shoulders, black upper-rimmed glasses, hair astray and wet because of the rain outside, he gets a whiff of cigarette mixed with his usual scent.

"Oh...hi."

He hadn't expected Jeno to be here, at such an hour, looking so exhausted. He opens his door and Jeno enters. Removing his overcoat.

Renjun wants to question why he's here but he doesn't know how to initiate the question.

He doesn't have to because turns out that he had come to meet his friend and Renjun's house was close, "...so I thought I'd come to.." Renjun nods, prompting that he knows what he's talking about while making his way to the kitchen to make some hot chocolate.

They don't really have anything to do, his TV is crashed, he still needs to recharge his phone, he doesn't have a laptop so he suggests the first thing that comes to his mind as him and Jeno awkwardly sit on his couch with their cups of hot chocolate, "do you want to study?"

Jeno looks at him and just nods his head.

They both sit on Renjun's bed to study but as casual as it sounds, miles away from each other, Renjun sitting on one corner with his back against the headboard and Jeno, on the other end, sitting cross legged, the history book on his lap, glasses perched on his nose, concentrated.

They stay like that for a couple of hours, with Renjun not studying a single word, marvelling at how easily Jeno gets trapped inside the book, his jaw set, eyebrows furrowed.

He eventually gives up, getting up as quietly as possible to make his way to his table to note down some things from their literature syllabus.

–

**Yang(×2):**

_I mean, he is trying..._

**You:**

_trying what? It's confusing_

**Yang(×2):**

_what's so confusing?_

**You:**

_I don't know_

**You:**

_one time he's being like this and another like he doesn't know me_

**Yang(×2):**

_he just came over to your house, can you cut him some slack?_

**You:**

_and did nothing_

**Yang(×2):**

_?_

**Yang(×2):**

_what else are you supposed to do?_

**Yang(×2):**

_didn't you say that y'all studied together?_

**You:**

_yeah_

**Yang(×2):**

_then?_

**Yang(×2):**

_I feel like you're even more kunfused than him_

**Yang(×2):**

_confused*_

He dropped his phone on the book that was resting on his stomach. Jeno had left just a while ago. And they hadn't done anything. Usually, if Jeno would show up in his house, it would be to do _something,_ like he has the past few times, there hasn't been a single time where Jeno has shown up in his house without any sort of sexual intercourse and that's something that no one knows about.

–

It was a typical Monday morning in school.

And like any other time, Renjun was surrounded by books of various subjects in library but unlike any other time, he wasn't alone.

"Seriously, how?" Donghyuck slams the book down on the table, the sound of which echoes in the entire place. The librarian gives him warning look and he apologises under his breath.

"How do you do this?" He groans silently, "please, I would rather fail than be drowned in things that I probably won't even require in the future. Like, no one wants to know why the apple had dropped on the floor."

"We don't have science," Renjun muttered under his breath, pretending to go back reading his book when Donghyuck glares at him.

"I'm saying, generally. No one wants to know why the war was fought or why Jwangjoan killed his brothers– I mean, that's still interesting. What is all this rubbish, he said, pointing at their computer books, splayed on the table.

Renjun looks at him sympathetically.

"Oh by the way, will you take part?"

"In what?"

Donghyuck clicks his tongue, "are you ever aware of what's going on in school other than studies?" He scoots closer to Renjun, "I've heard that we're going to have a musical."

Renjun perks up, "a musical?"

"Yeah but it's not officially announced yet. But it will soon.

It's such a coincidence – that on the same day Renjun was standing in front of the school's notice board, staring at the notice, _THE TEMPEST, Willam Shakespeare._ Written in English. His eyes travel down, _*Write your name here to take part;_

Looking around to check if the coast was clear or not, he takes out a pen from his bag quickly writes his name, looking at how it looks, he panics and scratches it out. Cursing in his head, he fills it out again, rushing away from the place afterwards.

–

He doesn't regret this. He doesn't.

He stands among all the other participants who would be taking part in the music room and sees three familiar heads standing just a couple of rows ahead of him. And when he catches a glimpse of the faces of those three heads– yep. Great. Jaemin, Jeno and Donghyuck.

No, he doesn't regret it, he'll just pretend like it never happened, slowly turning around to make his way out of the music room–

"Mister Huang Renjun–"

_No, no, no, no, no, God please._

"–the role of Ariel."

He freezes in his spot and then slowly turns his head, his heart rate speeding up when he sees all eyes in him, "something wrong mister Huang?" Their music teacher, Mr Kim asks, holding the cardboard to his chest, a worried expression on his face.

"Wash– washroom, sir."

The teacher's face quickly settles down, "okay, I thought you were going back out, " he says, laughing. Renjun manages to put on a smile, "no, sir," he says, very quietly.

"Okay then, you can go visit the washroom, just sign your name," he strides towards Renjun within two steps because of his long limbs and plasses the cardboard to him, "right here," he says, pointing at where his name was written.

He signs his name - trying his best to not let his fingers shake too much - and passes the cardboard back to Mr Kim, making his way out of the room without a second glance, especially not towards the trio.

"A little birdy told me–"

"I know you know Donghyuck."

"Heachan but okay," Donghyuck creeps in and takes a seat next to Renjun in the cafeteria. "Why did you look so horrified when the teacher took your name?"

He looks at his half-eaten bun and sighs, "I didn't, I really wanted to go to the washroom."

"You know, I know you're not telling me the truth but I won't force you." He takes the banana from Renjun's plate, biting onto it. "But I'm happy that we're taking part in it together. What role did you get?"

"Ariel," he mumbles, mouth full of the bread he was munching on.

"Oh, guess which one I got."

"Who?" He asks, shrugging.

 _"Stefano,"_ he smiles and wiggles his eyebrows.

"Isn't that a negative role?"

"Yeah but I don't mind, I can play negative roles," he said, his mouth automatically turning into a pout as he tries to makes an expression of being deep in thought.

"Sure man."

"Ey, you sound like Mark. At least encourage me a little," he starts whining and Renjun almost throws his banana peel on his face.

"Okay, yay. Go Dong– I mean _Haechan,"_ he says, waving both his hands loosely. Donghyuck makes a drowsy face and then purses his lips together.

"What role did the other's get?"

"Jaem got Prospero and Jeno got Ferdinand. Are you even surprised? The teacher took one peek at his face and was like – _okay, Jeno will be the love interest."_ he says, impersonating Mr Kim's voice perfectly earning a laugh from Renjun.

"Poor things they had to stay back for extra practice," he glances at Renjun, "you would know if you wouldn't have bunked it."

Renjun waves him off. "So, who got Miranda?"

"Ohh, why, jealous, that someone else will be kissing your boyfriend?" He says making kissing faces and then laughing after seeing Renjun's disguested expression. "No, I'm genuinely curious."

"Well, this girl called Haesoo," his eyes have this glint and Renjun can already sense something disastrous coming up, "remember her? The entire school used to ship them."

Renjun didn't know that. "Huh, why though?"

"They used to hook up every now and then."

Renjun doesn't know what to say so he just hums and continues munching on his food.

–

He spends half of the leisure time that he gets, practicing his lines. And it's good, in a way, having something to do other than just having to either just study or working his part-time job. Thankfully, his store was empty today so he had decided to take out his paper (which he now carries around almost everywhere) and starts reading his lines.

Jungwoo laughs when he sees him trying to get into Ariel's role, he puts his paper down, heat climbing up to his cheeks.

"Which play?"

"Um, it's a musical. The Tempest."

Jungwoo grimaces, taking a look at the dialogues, "it's olden Korean but better than olden English. Oh, you got Ariel, that's nice."

Renjun hums, smiling a little.

"Oh, I can actually help you!"

Just when he passes his paper to Jungwoo, the bell chimes and they both scurry back into their counters, thinking that it's the owner but Renjun stiffens and locks his eyes at Jeno who enters, with a black cap on his head, glancing at Renjun and giving him a hesitant nod before getting hidden by one of the narrow aisles.

It had been quite a long time since Jeno had last paid his store a visit and he was probably the only person amongst his friend-circle who knew where he worked, apart from Yangyang.

He comes back with a pack of cigarette in his hand but unlike the previous time he doesn't hesitate to look at Renjun's face. "When does your shift get over?" He asks, maintaining a low voice.

"Oh, uh, in a while."

"Okay then, meet me outside, " he pays and takes the pack of cigarette touching Renjun's fingers in the process. Renjun looks through the glassed-door as he stands outside, leaning his back against the wall pulling out his phone and putting the pack of cigarette carelessly inside the pocket of his black jacket.

"So, is that the famous lover boy?" He jumps a little at hearing Jungwoo's voice, who had made his way towards his counter, standing next to him.

He looks back outside, "yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...Jeno asking Renjun to meet him, huh? I wonder what'll that lead to...Do let me know your thoughts🤔


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi peeps, how y'all doing? I just want to thank all of you guys for all the love and support that you've all been giving to this fic, it seriously means a lot *inserts heart-eyes emoji*

He takes uncertain steps towards Jeno. The latter hadn't noticed his presence, still on his phone.

Only when he walks closer does Jeno finally looks up, the cap hiding the upper part of his face.

Jeno doesn't say where they're going but they take a bus and Renjun follows him.

As soon as they reach their destination, it starts raining. Climbing off the bus, Jeno doesn't even look back before grabbing Renjun's hand and running towards a building with a shade-plate overhead.

Renjun's heart beats erratically, not only because of Jeno but also because of running and a bubble of laughter escapes his mouth. They stand beneath the shelter, Jeno has a frown on his face as brushes the excess water off his black overcoat.

Renjun looks at the moon that shines in the dark of the sky and the water pouring from above, he likes the rain but he learns that Jeno doesn't.

After an hour or so, the rain finally stops and Jeno slips fingers through Renjun's again, guiding him somewhere.

It's an amusement park, a huge fancy one, those that are sheltered in case something like today–happens again. Renjun stares at their clasped hands and thinks back to the time when him, Mark, Jaemin and Jeno were sitting in his and Jaemin's room back in China, talking about places that they wouldn't think twice before visiting and he had said an amusement park.

He doesn't know whether Jeno remembered or not but it makes him feel content.

They go here and there and Renjun doesn't even try to hold back his excitement seeing whatever fascinates him.

Jeno doesn't leave his hand and he becomes all too aware of it, feeling a little awkward as they sit in the large theatre, watching a play, _Arms And The Man._

_I mean, he is trying._

Yangyang's text flashing at the back of his head. He softly lets out a sigh and tries focusing back towards the act.

The place starts clearing out. He and Jeno just idly walk around the huge area, munching on butter popcorn when Renjun spots this place, dragging Jeno with him, enchanted by it.

They probably weren't allowed to be here, being outside the shade of the park, maybe it wasn't even a part of the park but there was a small pond in the middle, with purple and green lights illuminating the place.

Jeno too looks encased and Renjun takes it as an opportunity to let go of his hand to move forward. Jeno follows him after some time.

They take a seat on the grass, right in front of the pond and when Renjun peers inside, as he had guessed, there are small fishes swimming inside, coming towards their direction and then scurrying away.

He looks at Jeno, his face illuminated by the purple and green lights surrounding the pond.

"Jeno, can I ask you something?"

Jeno looks at him and nods his head once.

"What are we?" Because he's so confused about where he lies and where Jeno lies.

Jeno's gaze shifts from his face to the pond, eyes looking lost in thought. "We are what you want us to be, Renjun."

Jeno, who's always curt and straightforward, who looks like a person with an ice-cold demeanour but with the sweetest smile and Renjun notices the underlying desperation in his voice.

Because he knows, he's been in Jeno's shoes - maybe still is.

"The entire school thinks that we're in a relationship."

"I know."

He doesn't know what impels him, but he scoots near Jeno and places a hand on his cheek, moving his head to look at his direction and he looks so lost and confused himself that Renjun can't find the strength to be indignant or contemplative.

Maybe it was a mistake since the very beginning, ever since he met Jeno. Ever since in the washroom stall of the carnival when Jeno had seen him, broken, weak. Ever since he had helped him. Ever since he followed Jeno to the rooftop of the building. Ever since he told Jeno the way to his apartment building. Ever since he had that conversation with Donghyuck in Jaehyun's party. And Renjun realises that they were both probably broken since the very beginning.

His slips his hand down from Jeno's face, keeping it on his lap, staring at it.

He feels this certain way that he feels when he's with Jeno. And he doesn't know whether that feeling is good or not. How can he keep up with Jeno if he doesn't even know the certainty of his own feelings? Maybe that's how Jeno feels too.

He sighs, maybe, if he knew Jeno better he would be able to tell.

–

"Are you serious?"

Renjun who had been sitting on his bed was now standing stiff, far away from Yangyang. And he made a good decision because the latter looks seconds away from screaming at him.

He doesn't know what compelled him but Yangyang had shown up at his apartment and Renjun was feeling like he'd explode if he didn't tell him. So he did.

"I–"

"You idiot."

He looks down, "I know."

"How long?"

Renjun glances at Yangyang once and then back at his feet, mumbling out, "since...before the vacation–"

"What?"

He flinches as soon as Yangyang raises his voice. "Since before your vacation? And you've been doing that with him since then?"

"Please don't be mad."

Yangyang let's out a humourless laugh, "you didn't even tell me that you're into boys!"

Renjun looks down again, "I'm sorry."

There's the silence after that. Renjun looks up to see Yangyang looking towards his side. "You know, we're supposed to be best friends and not hide anything from each other."

Renjun takes a step forward and sits back on the bed, in front of him. "I was scared. I don't know why I did it and I know it was a mistake but he just kept coming and I don't know why but I didn't have it in me to stop him and part of me knew what I was doing was wrong and I was ashamed of it so I didn't tell anyone." He rambles on, without looking at Yangyang.

"Please don't judge me, Yang."

Yangyang eyes waver, "who am I to judge you?" He lets out a breath, "I got it. I can understand just– I thought you– nevermind. Look, now you've done what you've done. Stop regretting it, you both are dating now, right? Just please, you're old enough, make sure that you know what you're dealing with."

Renjun nods and Yangyang ruffles his hair. But does he? He still doesn't know what he's dealing with. Feels like he doesn't know what's right and what's wrong anymore.

Feeling bad was one thing and feeling regret was another.

He doesn't know what he regrets more, doing what he did with Jeno or hiding it from Yangyang, his best friend. The thing is, that even now, he's not telling Yangyang the entire truth of how he's feeling or how confused he is.

While on one hand, he feels like his feelings for Jeno - whatever they are - might just be because they've seen each other like that since the beginning, vulnerable and pleasurable. It sounds so weird to him. And then all these thoughts come to his head. Thoughts like he should stop talking Jeno, probably even ignore all the others too. Completely ghost them. But after spending so much time with them and Jeno, how could he? If it was so easy, he would've done it.

–

It's good, one aspect of his daily routine was different.

The school musical was something he was looking forward to. He gathered in the music room as soon as he entered the school-enterprise, like him and all the other participants were told to, only to see that there were few people already there.

They were doing something or the other and minding their own business, which, Renjun was thankful for. He sat on the floor, with his back towards the full-wall mirror and pulled out a book to read.

He wasn't really paying attention to whatever was written on his book, too excited about how they would proceed with the play from here, so when a girl came and sat right next to him, he only glanced at her and then went back to studying or pretending to, at least.

"Hi," Renjun hesitantly looked at her, not sure at first whether she was talking to him or someone else. "Oh, um, hi." She wiped her right hand on her jeans and offered it to him, "I'm Ara, nice to meet you."

"Oh," he did the same, "I'm Renjun." She chuckles, "I actually already know, everyone in this room does." His eyes automatically scans the room for a second when she said that, laughing awkwardly because of course, they all were introduced just the other day but he had already forgotten her name.

"Oh no, not because of that," his smile faltered as soon as he realised that he had said all of that out loud, "you're Lee Jeno's," she giggled, hiding her face behind her hand and damn.

Renjun thought he was the only overtly shy one, "you're Lee Jeno's boyfriend," she said the last part in a whisper as if someone might hear them and all he could do was awkwardly laugh and nod his head.

"Ara, stop disturbing people. Go, mind your own business."

He turns his head to find the source of the voice. Jaemin settles down beside him, "don't mind her, she's just a kid. Anyway, _prepared?"_ He asks, lifting his papers of dialogue for Renjun to see. "Yeah, a little," he replies, sheepishly, fidgeting with the rips on his jeans.

"What's happened?"

"Nothing Jaem."

"You sure?"

He nods. That's it.

Me Park enters the room and all of the others gather around him. "All of you are here? Yes, okay then, let's take attendance, shall we? Sooyeon–"

They all turn as soon as they hear the scraping sound of the floor, a panting Jeno standing outside with one hand holding onto the side of the wall, catching his breath, "sorr– I'm sorry sir, the football coach kept me back," he says pausing in between to breathe. "Its okay mister Lee, I just came too, you're not late. Come, come." Jeno visibly calms down, slumping a little while entering.

He spots Renjun and Renjun becomes stiff as soon as he makes his way towards him but he doesn't stand next to him, instead, he slumps against the wall behind him. Renjun let's go of the breath he was holding onto. "It's okay, let him rest. Eyes here everybody."

The first day of practice and they don't do much. Renjun realises that he's not the main character but he's supposed to play a role of a subordinate of the main character. This sets a determination in his head.

Delivering dialogue is difficult. While he tries not to mess up his lines, there are many who struggle to keep up with what the other person is saying and what they have to say right after.

They wrap up their dialogue discussion and a brief run-through of the first act. "Okay, come along, sit in a circle," Mr Park says, pulling up a chair and placing it, they all sit on the floor beside him. "Now, we're going to do this exercise which is very important, so I want all of you to concentrate. First, close your eyes," they all do as he says, "then, think about a very sad incident. Something that should tear up your eyes."

Renjun falls deep into it. Something about the way Mr Park was talking and the silence. It makes him drown deep in thought. It's nothing, in particular, just these random thoughts that he keeps having. And then he imagines a little boy, a _torn_ rose and tears - _lots_ of them. Slowly he starts feeling the wetness in his eyes and as soon as a tear manages to fall, he opens them.

Thankfully, many of them were already crying as well but his eye catches Jeno. He wasn't crying, he stares as the latter wipes his eye, or maybe he was. Jaemin was crying as well. All of their eyes open in unison when they hear a particularly loud sniffle, turning his head, he sees Mr Park crying too.

A couple of snickers and the teacher's eyes shoot open, hurriedly wiping the tears off and sprucing himself up.

The "exercise" - if you could call it that - was somewhat relaxing and he feels a little lighter than before. He fills his chest with some air and lets it out softly from his mouth, straightening his back, smiling, a little embarrassed.

"Okay, so," Mr Park clears his throat, "all of you did pretty well, huh? Let's call it a day then, that's a for today. See you all tomorrow, and remember," he pauses for a dramatic effect, "you're not acting if it doesn't come from within, then you're just plainly reciting." Renjun smiles, figuring that he likes Mr Park and his vigour, passion for theatre.

Tired would be an understatement. He feels absolutely exhausted, like as if he would pass out. Lying down, his front facing the bed, never felt so good and he sleeps like a baby, without thinking about anything at all.

So it's good, maybe back when Yangyang had said that he should really start looking for a passion. Maybe, this was it. Maybe, the theatre was something he would end up liking, maybe keeping himself this busy has its usefulness. At least he can sleep for more than four or five hours.

–

All good things should have an ending.

It should be the same for all good feelings too.

After a couple of days of waking up, going to school - spending six hours there practising for their musical for extra hours, coming back, eating lunch then straight after that going to work and then coming back home at around eight at night wasn't so ideal after all.

And his nosebleeds start again.

It happened just the previous day while practising and then at work too. It was scary. Not because his nose was literally bleeding but because people around him would start panicking, scurrying around to get something to help hold back the blood.

"Wow," Jungwoo pats him on his back, twice, "you work hard."

"Thank you. Needed it," he said, hand still on his nose, making a fist and cheering himself half-heartedly.

"Okay so, Renjun I want you to be as soulful as you possibly can while singing. I like your voice, it's soft and unique just be a little bit more soulful." He smiles, clutching onto his dialogue-paper and nods.

The practice keeps happening with them laughing at every now and then whenever someone would mess up, the lightheartedness, the in-between jokes and playing around, all this is what contributes to their teamwork and also was making them closer, contrasted to how it was when they had met on the first day.

The musical was way more serious than he had thought. He found himself staying back a lot, coming earlier than usual, skipping classes which - shouldn't be a problem but being a foreigner, he found it easier listening and copying down notes rather than studying directly from the book, that was written in small Korean characters, therefore, it was taking a huge toll in his studies.

If anyone could read his mind right now, they would probably be laughing.

They were told to go through the entire script and dialogue so that they could give their approval/denial or suggestions as to how it could better. So he tries his best not to look bothered by it as he reads the scene where Ferdinand and Miranda are supposed to kiss. And his mind runs around the aspect of whether or not they'll make Jeno and Haesoo kiss each other.

His eyes follow around and finally spots Haesoo, surrounded by girls, laughing about something that was written on the script. "Whatcha looking at?" He jumps back after hearing Jaemin's voice right next to his ears, he scurries back, holding onto his chest, "do you wish to kill me?"

Jaemin raises his eyebrows, _"wish?_ damn, the act really got to you, huh?" He laughs afterwards.

Renjun tsks.

"So, Prospero?"

Jaemin smirked. "Yes Ariel, you should not ask me for your freedom so soon." He gets into his character, exaggerating and making it sound ten times more dramatic.

They keep bantering, playing around here and there before eventually getting tired and sitting down.

"Jaem?"

"Hm."

"Do you think Jeno and Haesoo will have a kissing scene?" He doesn't look at Jaemin while asking, eyes locked on the floor.

"I knew you'd ask this."

He looks at Jaemin, "will they?"

"Why? Even if they do, it's just acting."

He looks back at the floor, "they used to sleep together."

"I know. Jeno didn't like her, Renjun."

"I know, but–"

"No _buts."_ Jaemin moves so he's entirely facing Renjun. "Trust me, should I tell you something?"

Renjun nods. Jaemin rests his head on the wall.

"I was actually happy when I got to know that the two of you are dating. He, I don't know, he just doesn't like talking about his problems but all of, excluding Chenle and Jisung - we all know that he is going through something. Opening up to someone is something that doesn't come easily to him. I know you don't trust him, I wouldn't either and I'm not telling you to but give him a chance, this is the first time, in a long while that he's actually trying."

Renjun opens his mouth but doesn't know what to say.

Jaemin senses that, "you don't have to say anything but give him a chance?"

Renjun looks uncertainly at Jaemin but nods eventually.

–

It's way too late when he realises that something might physically be wrong with Jeno.

Not _him_ in particular. But he just scans his eyes, down to up, taking in the mess Jeno was in. He looked tired and had his hood up. He wants to ask what's wrong with him but he stops himself when Haesoo comes around, standing next to him.

Clearing his throat, he grabs his script and reads through it, over and over again.

"So, Ariel is supposed to a spirit of air, get it? _Air-iel._ And even though he's supposed to be a spirit, he's described as a delicate one. Delicate but cunning, which is why I choose you," Mr Park finished. Renjun lets out a sound of realisation for the lack of response and then he continues to say his line, keeping that in mind.

_Delicate but cunning._

Ferdinand and Miranda do kiss. All the others let out cat-calls when they do. It's supposed to be a little peck, lips barely even touching but he recognizes the look on Haesoo's face as she looks his direction and tilts a corner of his lips, wiping the corner with her finger.

Anger boils inside him. He closes his eyes, resting his head on the mirror, _calm down, it's okay. It's probably your mind playing tricks._

He cools his head down and observes from the corner of his eyes as Jaemin continues with his lines just perfectly and Renjun thinks that the role of Prospero really suits him.

He realised that he really looked forward to all his scenes with Jeno, although they were short, like this one time when he had to whisper things into his ears - as Ariel, to trap him in his "spell" but he courses after seeing the goosebumps rising at the back of his neck, which gave him so much gratification.

"Okay so, thirty days. That's his long we have for the musical and obviously was still have the musical part that we need to work on," Mr Park sighed, mumbling something about how they still have so much to do.

The musical had become the current top priority in Renjun's life and "it shows." He scowls at Yangang, "what?" He lets out a scoff, setting his script on his study table, "okay, I get it. Wanna grab something to eat from my store?" Yangyang's face brightens up, "on the house?" Renjun makes a thoughtful face before nodding, "yep, on the house."

"I'm stressing over it."

Yangyang was in the middle of his first spoonful of ice cream, pausing to look at Renjun, "sorry, eat that first."

"What's stressing you out?"

"The musical, I know I haven't done anything like this before but I can't stop thinking over and over again about it, like whether or not I'll mess up on the real day and its eating my brain." Yangyang nods, pouting his lips in thought, "you know, if I was in your place, I would be the exact same."

–

This was what he was not looking forward to at all. This, exact moment.

"Okay, so, your voice. We're going to have a couple of songs to pull off, and you, Renjun," Mr Park points his finger straight at him, "are going to have the most amount of songs." The terror must have been evident on his face, "oh, don't worry, they're only going to be like thirty to thirty-five seconds long." He smiles through his pain.

When the time finally comes, he is told to stand right in the middle and all the rest stand clustered, in front of him as pseudo audiences. With sweaty, shaky palms, deciding whether or not to touch the mic stand or just let it be, he decides on letting it be, clearing his throat, he takes one look at his lines and opens his mouth to sing–

"Wait, wait Renjun," Mr Park rushes towards him, moving the mic stand away, "sing without it, it'll be better," he says, patting Renjun's back reassuringly. With one last look, Renjun clears his throat again and starts singing. The first word and his voice cracks but he still continues.

Looking up, expecting people to hide their laughter or snickers but instead they seem to look in shock. Confused, he turns his head to look at Mr Park who had a content smile on his face. "Well, I knew you'd have a voice just right for the role," he said, clapping hurriedly, "well, you have two more songs after this, I've sent you the demo right?" He asks, putting an arm around Renjun's shoulder, taking them a little away from the others, "yes, sir."

"Good then. Practice those too, like this one."

He gets to know that for performing in the musical didn't really require having a soulful or amazing voice, it could be however but needing to portraying the feel of the situation. Like, for instance, if the scene is of one where the character is angry then the song too, needs to be sung that way.

Just like Jaemin and Jeno. They don't have extraordinary voices but they can portray the feel of it extremely well.

"Even I want," Renjun covers his ears after hearing Donghyuck's elongated whine. "Want what?" Jasmine asks, just as annoyed as Renjun feels. "I want to sing too, I have a good voice."

Jeno chuckles, "yeah but you don't really have an option." Renjun glances at him as he doesn't even avert his eyes from his book even once.

Donghuck scoffs, "what do you know, you have the perfect role and all," he crosses his arms over his chest and sulks.

"Its not even that great, get over it." Donghyuck scowls and imitates what Jeno says, mouthing his words and Renjun holds back a laugh.

–

"Absolutely brilliant! Renjun- _ssi_ why did you hide your voice for so long?" Renjun felt heat on his face, "ah, it's not that great."

Jungwoo chuckled, "yes, it is. Its amazing, you could become a singer." Renjun perked up at that and Jungwoo raised his eyebrows, "oh? do you want to become a singer, Renjunnie?" He asked using that overly sweet tone of his. "Uh, " Renjun tried not looking at Jungwoo's scrutinising gaze.

"It's okay, I'll take it to the grave with me."

Renjun looked at him, "I actually don't know? I mean, everyone around me have all these amazing ambitions in life and me? I have nothing. I don't know what I want to do."

Jungwoo placed a hand his shoulder, "it's okay, it's not like your life is passing away, right? You still have time and by time - I mean, class twelve and then three years of college. Don't worry too much about it, okay?" He rubbed Renjun's shoulder assuring.

And Renjun smiled to himself, "you said I have time but what if I die tomorrow?" He raises his eyebrow and Renjun raises his in return. "Well then, we shall see. And if you're not dead tomorrow, you'll have to ask the uncle to let us close a little early." Renjun laughed, "of course, why not?"

After their laughter had finally dies down and Renjun down at his notepad with all the goods from retailers and random doodles.

"Jungwoo?" The boy hummed, "have you ever fallen in love?"

There was a sudden stop in the motion of whatever Jungwoo was doing. "What? Are you in love with Lover Boy?" He asked, in a shriek-ish manner. "What, no." Renjun replied, exasperated, "I'm just asking..." He looked back down at his notepad and Jungwoo plopped beside him. "Well, I don't know. Maybe, with the one I am right now. Before this? I don't think so."

Renjun glances at him. So easily, love came so easily to Jungwoo and Renjun was a little jealous at that.

–

"So when was the last time you– you know, with your boyfriend?"

Renjun makes a confused face, "you know what– oh. That."

Yangyang laughs, "yeah. That."

He tries to think. He'd been so busy that hadn't even realised. It's surprising cause there wouldn't be a day where they wouldn't be doing something or the other, be a handjob. The last time was when they had done it in Jeno's football match.

Remembering it makes his neck heat up. "Um, not that long ago bit yeah, it's been a couple of days." He covers face with the palm of his hand, trying to hide if his face was red and of course Yangyang notices, "why," he snickers, "why are you hiding your face?" He says, trying to pry Renjun's hand away.

"Too much sunlight," he lies, putting his other hand up to cover his eyes for emphasis. Yangyang just chuckles, mumbling "yeah, sure doof. It's nothing to be embarrassed about now."

Yeah it had been long but Renjun really didn't seem to mind it at all. And it was evident, both of them were so busy that they probably don't even get time to do anything at all.

"I feel like there's a glitch in my head from all the work that I've been doing," he says but his mind so far off that he was saying it literally while zoning out, eyes transfixed on his can of ice cream. He doesn't know how describe it - it's the kind of feeling you get when you're conscious but your brain is not. He comes back to reality when Yangyang tsks, "you don't have a glitch, it's just that you're not used to it."

"Yangyang, trust me, I've had worse." He goes back at gazing at his now melting ice cream, Yangyang takes his ice cream away, scooping one whole spoon and eating it casually. "That was mine."

"Yeah but you're wasting it away, it was melting."

Renjun makes a face as he continues to lick his spoon clean after finishing the ice cream. "Whoever eats ice cream on winters?"

"I do," he replies nonchalantly.

"Of course you do."

–

Today was an exceptionally long day and he was so tired that all he could think was of lying down on the floor of their music room. So he does. Not having about a single soul, dropping next to Jaemin as the latter wears his jacket and packs his bag, ready to leave.

"You know, you could pack and sleep on the comforts of your own bed."

Renjun turns his head, groaning at the thought of his bed with an actual mattress and all. He hears Jaemin chuckle, and the two hands grabbing onto his outstretched one's, pulling, for him to stand.

"Jaemin don't. I'm so tired, I think I'll be spending the night here."

Jaemin laughs again, "well, that can't happen, you know why?"

"Why?" Renjun asks, haphazardly, head still facing the floor.

"Cause we've heard that the school is haunted and that a ghost of a young girl haunts this very music room." Renjun gets up, awfully sluggish. "I don't believe in ghosts."

"Yeah? Even if I do this?" Jaemin contorted his face, scrunching it and clawing his hands. Renjun gasps, staring at him before both of them burst out laughing, their laughter echoing in the now empty room. "Jaemin, have you ever fallen in love?"

Jaemin looks at him with consideration before nodding his head once. And raises both his eyebrows, "who?" Jaemin laughs it off, trying to hide his flustered face. "Nobody you know."

"Oh, did you know, Mark talks in his sleep?"

"Really?"

"Yeah."

After weeks and weeks of practice, the day of the musical finally comes about. Thirty days later and they had their run through in front of the entire school, without the makeup and costumes.

He was sitting inside the music room, in front of the mirror of his division of makeup and get up, taking in deep breaths to calm the thrumming of his heart, which almost felt like it was in his mouth. Exhaling, reminding himself that it's okay and that he won't be able to see anyone from the stage.

Instead, he tries averting his mind into noticing other things, like his make up; how well the golden and brown flicks looked in his eyes and his cherry coloured lips along with his white, linen shirt and pants. He bores holes at his own reflection, giving himself a pep-talk in his head, drinking the warm ginger tea to soothe his voice.

_"Improvise. If you forget the lines, the audience won't be able to tell so improvise, make something up."_

Mr Park's advice runs in his head. He perks up when he hears his name being called, getting up from his chair with wobbly legs, just looking forward to the musical to be over.

Surprisingly, the first half of the musical goes pretty well. He takes a final breath on their break for the second half and his eyes catch Jeno and Jaemin's form and a smile seals his lips, they both had done so well, especially Jaemin; with the role of Prospero. And Jeno hadn't forgotten his lines at all, which was a recurring problem during their trials.

They all gather for the second half of the musical. Everything goes according to how they had planned. Renjun appears as Ariel, singing the part that he had to sing without cracking his voice.

This is it, he thinks. This is really it, as he looks down at the crowd, blanking out, not being able to recall his dialogue. And there's pin-drop silence in the hall.

He somehow manages to hold back his sniffle and improvises, just like Mr Park had asked him to. Jaemin, presently standing in front of him, gives him a ghost of a smile which manages to calm his nerves down.

When his parts are finally done, he holds onto Jaemin's hand a tad bit harder, feeling the tears welling up as they stand together to thank the audience. Jaemin caresses a thumb over his hand and when the curtains drop his tears do too. He gets off the stage, making his way inside one of the wings and Jaemin follows him.

He falls dejectedly on the chair, hiding his face with both his hands as his tears flow out on their own. Jaemin is saying something to him but he's barely being able to hear and just feels his hand patting onto his back consolingly.

A while later when he looks up, he sees Jaemin crouched in front of him, the softest smile splayed on his lips and he can't help but offer a smile back, wiping the tear stains off his cheek. "Feeling better?"

He nods, "hm."

When everyone had left to go to some restaurant to eat and celebrate, he had stayed back, not wanting to be amongst such a huge crowd of people. Standing in the middle of the music room to change out of his clothes and makeup and retire back to his apartment.

He thinks about the incident over and over again, moving both his hands back, fumbling with his shirt's zip as he tries to opening it, closing his eyes and letting out a sound of frustration.

If only he would've learned his lines well.

If only he wouldn't have panicked after seeing the audience.

If only–

His train of thoughts come to a halt when he feels two hands, latch on to the zip and sliding it down for him. He doesn't have to turn in order to know who it is.

"What's the point of thinking over something that nobody will remember?" Jeno asks. He holds onto Renjun's shoulder and turns his around. Renjun looks at him, up and down. "Why didn't you go?"

Jeno shrugs, "didn't feel like."

"I messed it up."

He doesn't know why he's saying all of this to Jeno. Maybe he just needs closure.

"Even Donghyuck messed up."

Renjun looks up, _oh yeah._ "You don't remember about him, what makes you think others will remember about you?"

He doesn't say anything to what Jeno had said, even though he knew the latter was right and partly also because, he slips his hand down after successfully unzipping Renjun's linen shirt, grazing the bare skin on his back slightly, in the process, making Renjun quaver involuntarily.

He hadn't expected it. But he feels Jeno further moving his shirt, revealing his back more and the air that hits his skin makes him shiver. He's about turn around. Probably muster up the courage to tell Jeno to leave but he feels Jeno's lips, kissing his back softly.

He hadn't even realised that he was standing directly in front of the big mirror, with Jeno behind him. He could see every little reaction that Renjun makes so he tries to steady his face and not look up at their reflection. Jeno continues to kiss his shoulder, just a press of the lips, for a few seconds, slowly moving towards the side of his neck, doing the same and Renjun's legs almost give out.

 _"Oh God_ listen– not in the music room!"

Renjun jumps away from Jeno, panting a little to catch his breath, seeing Donghyuck standing near the door, covering his eyes. "I don't even want to know what you two were doing."

Jeno runs a hand through his hair, "mind your own business," he mutters, without any malice really.

Donghyuck scoffs, removing his hand, "I was going to get my bag but I couldn't when you two were hogging right next to it." He scurries to get his bags, right next to the mirror. "Nice shirt."

Renjun dares to look at his reflection, his bewildered state. And it kinda shocks him. This is how he looks like to Jeno and his eyes shift to the latter who was standing there, looking at him too, scratching the back of his neck and a smile slips on his lips, looking at Jeno's flustered reaction. He clears his throat, "um, I'll just, _um_ change my clothes." He grabs his bag and instead of changing in the music room like he had intended to, he makes his way to the washroom, still smiling to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hsffsjjb I know, I kOnW. Just one more chapter. I could see that so many of you weren't expecting it but really it's so difficult, especially with the various blocks that I've been having, I hope it doesn't disappoint🥴


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank all of you for supporting this fic, I wouldn't have been able to do it without the support that you guys gave. 
> 
> It was an honour writing for all of you😌

"I seriously don't think I should be here."

He clicked his tongue, grabbing Chenle's arm, "come on, it's not like anyone would recognise you."

 _"No,_ it's Jaemin's parents. His mother loves me."

He looks around the backyard where the two of them were currently waiting to carry out their ‘master plan’ of surprising Jaemin for his birthday.

Chenle groans, "who was behind this brilliant idea?"

**A couple of hours ago**

"Ow–"

Donghyuck puts a hand over his mouth, placing a finger on top of his own lips, indicating him to be quiet before slowly legging go of his mouth, making him realise that they were in the library.

"Listen," he peers out of the narrow aisle of the library, "this is something extremely important, you have Jisung's number?" He nods and Donghyuck looks relieved. "Okay, great, look, it's Jaemin's birthday today–"

 _"What?"_ He says, a bit too loud apparently because Donghyuck was again telling him to be quiet, "you want everyone to know? Listen to what I have to say first."

"We're throwing a surprise party for him. Now, before you ask anything lemme elaborate."

The plan was basically faking an accident and somehow convincing the birthday boy and driving him all the way to the place where the actual birthday would be taking place.

"Jisung can't drive."

That. And also, he wasn't very close to the latter, assuming that it would be awkward and that if he was going to be doing something as crucial as this, he should be having a trustworthy partner.

"No."

"Chenle, come on, please?" He tried pleading by making those sad eyes, something that works exceptionally well on Yangyang. "I'll buy you ice cream," he tries and this time he sees a flash of intention in the latter's eyes and that's all it takes.

"Promise?"

He nodded, "yeah."

Once it was dark enough, they decide on the execution of the plan. They use Chenle's car. "Do you know how to drive?"

Chenle, held the steering wheels with both his hands, barely leaving any space between them. "Yeah, of course, I do, who do you take me for?"

He fastens his seatbelt.

"So what exactly is the plan?" Chenle asks, driving at the same time. "We're basically gonna use Mark as our bait."

"Is he going to fall for that though?"

"He has a soft spot for him," he looks outside the window at the street lights, lined up perfectly one after the other in a row.

"He'll definitely fall for it."

The only problem was, acting it out. Standing just a couple feet away from Jaemin's house. From the distance, he could see the lights on.

"Who was behind this brilliant idea?" He turns to look at Chenle. "Donghyuck."

Chen's mutters an _of course_ under his breath. Renjun nocks at the door and Chenle does all the talking. That's the execution.

After a while of fake panicking, haywire scenes with both Jaemin and Jaemin's parents deciding to come along and him and Chenle convincing them not to–they finally manage to get Jaemin inside Chenle's car.

"What were you guys doing?"

Chenle looks at Renjun, "umm, we were actually shopping for some stuff to surprise you for your birthday and Mark decided to bring his father's car." Renjun mouths, _good one,_ to him and Chenle gives him a thumbs up under the seat.

"Seriously? What were you guys thinking? He doesn't even– dude, he can't drive for shit!" Seeing Jaemin panicking like that, he feels kinda guilty but one look at Chenle trying to control his laughter, he decides maybe it'll all be worth it.

When they reach Mark's house where the party was actually about to take place, It's dead silent as they stand outside the door and Jaemin practically rushes, ringing the doorbell violently.

The door opens and at least fifty-something people scream, _happy birthday_ in unison making Jaemin gasp and trip back, so shocked that Renjun and Chenle had to support him so that he wouldn't fall back completely.

Chenle pokes him in his arm, "you better buy me that ice-cream."

"Wow, you guys are really something." Jaemin sips his beer. "So nothing really happened to Mark?"

"Nah bitch," Donghyuck pipes in, "it was my idea."

He finds himself smiling, sitting in a circle among known and unknown people, some from his school, some strangers. It was good to see Jaemin smile after so long.

"Oooff, you guys really scared me."

Everyone laughs and Mark hugs him, sideways as an apology.

He had lost count of how long it had been. Yanyang wasn't lying when he had once said that you tend to lose track of time amongst people you cherish.

His eyes automatically scan around and fall on Jeno. Idly sitting on the sofa, fiddling with his phone. Everyone had tried convincing him to play along but he had refused, saying that he didn't like playing games.

"He's just shy," Chenle mutters to himself, shoving a French fry in inside his mouth.

"I heard that. And no, I'm not shy. Just tired."

See, the thing is, while he claims to not know Jeno that well, he can clearly make out when the latter's lying. He, looks down, chuckling to himself. And it may or may not have been too loud because soon enough he hears the muttering and laughter dying down to dead silence.

He turns around to see all eyes on him. Including Jeno's.

"Wow, that was loud." Jisung breaks the silence.

"Sorry," he tries, sheepishly looking guilty and everyone starts talking all together saying stuff like; _nah, it's okay_ or _you barely ever talk, that's it or_ ;

"See, Jeno? Only your boyfriend can see right through you."

That catches his attention and his eyes zeros on the girl who had said that. She said, boyfriend.

Huh. Boyfriend...

_Shit._

She said, _boyfriend._

Out of nowhere, his palms start sweating and he feels hot and bothered. He doesn't even want to look at Jeno right now. He doesn't want to look anywhere, at anyone's reaction.

This was officially the first time someone had actually addressed him as Jeno's significant other in front of so many people.

He bites back a frustrated groan. _So awkward._

Still looking down on his lap, he Feels someone settle down on the floor beside him, body heat radiating. He soon realises that it's actually Jeno. He offers a small smile to him.

"I'm not shy and I'm here to prove _you_ that," he says, pointing at the girl.

She raises her eyebrows in a challenging way and Jeno raised his–the same way.

Renjun just watched the exchange take place between the two. He likes this playful side of Jeno, its something so rare.

"Okay, we're gonna play something that every high-schooler plays, drum roll please," everyone starts groaning together, impatiently at what Donghyuck says.

"Okay, okay we'll play truth or dare,"

There are _ohh's_ and a _hh's_ filling the circle.

"And you cannot use the dating card to excuse yourself out of an accord."

"Oh dammit, just when I thought I had an excuse..." One girl says and a few around her laugh.

They spin a local bottle of _Soju_ as a conclusion as to how they should play.

Renjun's not gonna lie. It's fun to see how people react to the various dares or truths that have been forced on them. He does feel that anxious feeling in his stomach at the thought of his turn but it's not as bothering as it would have been if he wasn't–the little intoxication that he was feeling.

The bottle eventually does fall on him, by now, it fell on almost all the other's sitting around the circle.

"Nice." he sees the girl, the same one, smirking at him before throwing a glance at Jeno.

"So, tell me, is it true–that you guys were sleeping around?"

There are choruses of cat-calls and Renjun's heart drops. In any other situation, he would've maybe played it cool, acting like he doesn't know what it means or something but he can see Jeno tensing up beside him. It seems like the girl–Sana, was it? Also notices as she chuckles, looking at him.

He opens his mouth to says something, "I mean–"

"Yes, we did."

Everyone stops talking at the same time. Again. And the smile of Sana's face wipes off completely "Jeno, it's okay you don't have to–"

"So what about it?" He cuts her off.

There's this tension in the air, a dense one. Someone clears their throat and Jeno looks away from her face, "these games are childish anyway," getting up and leaving without sparing another glance.

Everyone starts staring at Renjun. He can practically feel their eyes on him and somehow that makes him feel angry.

He follows after Jeno.

Jeno was on the roof. Somehow he just knew that the latter would be there.

He turns, "you didn't have to follow me–"

"And you didn't have to answer for me."

He doesn't care that he's cutting Jeno, he just knows that he's feeling this kind of irritation. It's so stupid but he sees this little expression of surprise on Jeno's face and he feels good about it. "That question was for me, why did you have to butt in?"

"Uh-I," he struggles to answer and Renjun sighs, leaving the roof.

He feels bad for snapping at Jeno. Of course, he does. But he's just so done with all this ‘thing’ that's been going on between the two of them.

They're supposed to be dating. He lets out a scoff at that thought.

_Dating my foot._

He takes another swing of...whatever this drink was, he honestly doesn't know and he doesn't have the strength to care, blindly just gulping it down, regretful thoughts entering his head, making him feel even more horrible than he was just a while ago.

"I want to die."

"Hey, hey hold that thought."

He turns his head to see the owner of the cheerful voice.

"Hello, Renjun- _ssi_."

He eyes Jaemin suspiciously.

"What?"

"You called me by my actual name."

"Oh, most definitely not _Renjunnie."_

"There we go."

Jaemin laughs and he joins him. Seriously, feeling bad about something so inanimate feels terrible.

"Yeah, it does."

He looks to his side, at Jaemin, "I said that out loud?" He nods his head, a laugh bubbling carelessly. He envies Jaemin.

"You do?"

He looks at Jaemin again and laughs to himself, "yeah I do."

"Weird. Why?"

Renjun makes a bland face at him, "look at you, everyone envies you." He doesn't like the glint in his eyes, "so, are you finally confessing your love–"

"No, Jaemin, I'm not confessing my long lost love for you."

"Aw, man."

"You should slow down on that," Mark says, pulling at his wrist that holding the red cup. He makes a sound of protest, trying to budge his hand away.

"Bro, this is probably the most I've seen you drink, you should really stop." Renjun looks at him. "And you should probably make your move before someone else does." Mark raises an eyebrow at him and he tilts his head towards where Jaemin was standing, talking to a girl.

Mark clears his throat, straightening his jacket after staring for too long, "I should probably go–"

"Yeah, you should. About time."

Mark looks so lost and confused that he bites back a laugh at his expression before realising that it's stupid and starts laughing.

"How did you even know?" He asks.

"I wasn't sure if you two were a thing or not...but I was so sure about the way you look at each other." He knows it. He knows _that_ look so well.

Sometimes he feels like maybe he looks at Jeno the same way.

"Anyway, you go. I can handle myself." He slurs little in between but catches himself on time before Mark could suspect anything.

His head feels light and all the sound of the music and the people starts sounding like white noise.

"You really like him, don't you?" He hadn't realised that someone was sitting beside him. It was a girl beside him on the couch that he was earlier sitting alone on. He squints his eyes a little, recognising the face but not really being able to make out. "Sorry?"

"Jeno–you really him." Renjun frowns. 

Haesoo chuckles and it creeps inside his skin. "You know, I really like him too." Renjun moves a little back on his chair.

Something about that didn't really affect him. It could be the alcohol, Haesoo doesn't even look at him while talking. "I like him a lot."

"Haesoo, why are you telling me all this?" Irritation lacing in his voice.

He gets a little alarmed when she suddenly turns to look at him. "So that you can back off before it's too late."

Weirdly enough, Renjun wants to laugh. "Back off, where?" He tries acting aloof on purpose–her face quirks.

"You know what I'm talking about."

He wants to tell her to stop acting like a two-year-old kid so bad. "I don't think you realise...but for me to _back off,_ you need to convince the other too. It doesn't work only one way," he finds satisfaction in the way her face falls from that trying-to-look-badass smirk and for once he's thankful for the alcohol in his system or else he probably wouldn't ever have the guts to say any of this.

"Discuss this with your ex, cause I'm not backing off anywhere."

He says that and gets up, taking the red cup and leaves.

"Careful."

Two hands, secure themselves around his waist to steady him, preventing from almost falling off the stairs.

He turns around and sees Jeno standing behind him. This was probably the first time he was actually paying attention to what the latter was wearing; black jeans, a velvet red jacket and a black t-shirt, all expensive and he wonders, for the first time, what his parents did for a living.

He leans against the wall, in the middle of the stairs, "why, scared, that I'll fall?" He asks, in a teasing way.

It's so strange to see Jeno flushing but he stables himself, that was so interesting about him.

"You should probably head home," he says, scratching the back of his head.

Without thinking, Renjun places his head on his shoulder, taking in the faint smell of cigarettes and liquorice. Somehow, he always found comfort in the way Jeno smelled so he buries his face further into his neck.

He can feel Jeno's hand, ghosting over his waist, as if unsure of whether or not he should hold him.

"Jeno,"

"Hmm?"

"Haesoo, you know her right?"

"Yeah."

"She came and told me that she likes you and she warned me that she'd do something if I didn't back off."

"She did now?"

"Yeah. And I told her," he pauses.

Jeno moves his shoulder, making him lift his head up, "what did you tell her?"

"I told her–" his breath gets caught up in his throat.

Was Jeno always so attractive?

"I told her–"

"I forgot what I told her."

He feels his head spinning so he drops it back on Jeno's shoulder, feeling the way he sighs, his shoulder rising up and down as he does so.

"Jeno?"

"Hmm?"

They stay, standing like that in the middle of a staircase that he knows, leads to the roof–where he knew Jeno would be.

"Will you drop me home?"

"Amazing grace–" he stumbled a little while trying to walk on the white line that's always painted there on the road.

"–How sweet the sound, that saved a wretch, like me–" his mind was so fuzzy that he doesn't even notice Jeno walking behind him and tumbles against him, "ow."

"You okay?" Jeno asks, holding onto his elbow where he had gotten hurt. "I can't even feel it," he replies sadly, looking down at the white line that he was trying to maintain his stance on.

"I–" he points a finger at himself while looking at Jeno, "once was lost but now am found–" he laughs a little after remembering the lyrics after that.

"Was blind and I still can't see."

Surprisingly, Jeno laughs a little too.

"I'm drunk."

"Yeah, it's pretty obvious."

"I really want to get to know you, Jeno."

He looks at Jeno and his smile slowly starts slipping away, feeling much sober than he was just a second ago. He turns around and starts walking, pretending like nothing happened, without looking back to see if the latter was still following.

"Thank you, for dropping me."

He turns around to look at Jeno, the latter had his hands shoved deep inside his pockets, standing there, sheepishly looking at Renjun. A nod, "drink water, apparently, it helps."

It was his turn to nod. But Jeno doesn't leave and Renjun feels like he feet have been stuck to the ground when the latter makes his way towards him.

He bends down, Renjun closes his eyes and he feels the softness of Jeno's lips. Just for a millisecond. Just a peck. And he feels like he's in cloud-nine with just that little peck.

"Good night," Jeno says–whispers, face still just inches away from his.

 _No, that won't do,_ Renjun thinks. And he pushes himself, kissing Jeno properly on his lips. He gets so much into it that he doesn't even realise that he's pushing Jeno against the concrete wall.

"Sleep well." He moves away, avoiding Jeno's eyes and rushing inside his apartment, smiling to himself as he does so.

Screaming into his pillow was probably not a good idea. It fails to diminish the sound of his voice. He stirs, Staring at his ceiling, wondering if he would remember all of this the next day, the first time Jeno said goodnight to him.

It would be really nice if he did. He falls asleep with that thought in his head.

–

" _Hello?"_

_"Mark, can we meet?"_

"Don't fuck with feelings."

That's the first thing Mark tells him.

"Bro, you'll never know what it feels like, so stop fucking with his feelings."

Jeno stares at the lit cigarette between his fingers, pulling it towards his lips but deciding against it, sighing and dropping it to the floor, stomping on it. "I messed up."

Mark scoffs, "big time, dude. Big time."

The thing is, he knew that he had messed up the minute he decided it was a good idea to play around with Renjun. He groans, rubbing his face.

What was he thinking?

And now, he's in such a mess of a situation where he doesn't even know what to do.

Mark sees the trouble in his face, "do you like him enough?"

_Does he?_

He groans, covering his face in both his hands. "Okay, look, why don't you just try it out?" He looks up and stares at Mark and the latter offers him a comforting smile.

"Try it out and see if you like him enough."

–

That's the way it was. Sometimes when he looked at Renjun, his breath would get caught up in his throat.

Like now, at the socials, when he spots him, almost not recognising him with his silver hair.

"Bro," Donghyuck grabs him by his arm, snapping him back to reality. "Bro, some seniors sneaked some drugs in." Jeno stares at him, "what? Dude–"

"Dude, that's not even the worst part," he puts a hand inside his coat and takes out two small packets with white powder inside, "they slipped this inside my pocket, I don't even know when."

Jeno grabs it, hiding it before any teacher or any student–for that matter, could spot it. "What are you gonna do?"

Donghyuck gives a look, that same mischievous one that usually makes all of them fall into trouble.

"No, please."

"What? I didn't even say anything." Donghyuck says, his lips already forming into a pout. "I know that face. You'll fall into trouble."

"I won't, I won't trust me, I have a plan."

He doesn't know what Donghyuck was up but he stops him in time, "listen, I have a better idea."

"In the restricted one? The one where we're not supposed to go?" Jeno nods. "I'll go alone–" Donghyuck gasps, "no, my friend. I shall come with you if you fall into trouble because of me–"

"I won't Donghyuck, I won't. I'm good at this shit."

He carefully discards the powdered substance inside the pot and flushed it down, only enough for one packet, he doesn't know what Donghyuck was planning on doing with the other packet, he prays that the latter doesn't get into some deep shit.

Just as he was emerging in his train of thoughts, he startles after hearing rustling sound, soft at first but as it comes closer, he makes out that its footsteps. He comes out exactly when the person running collides against him, he sees a mop of silver hair and then Renjun's face, eyes wavering. He was about to ask him why he was in the restricted washroom but Renjun beats him to it.

"H-help me."

He hears the footsteps and some angry voices from a distance. The quick and rational part of his brain drags Renjun inside the same washroom stall.

Renjun is a fiddly mess and he feels confused as to what those people actually did to him to make him look like this. He has to put a hand lightly on top of his mouth to stop him from making any sound.

"I'm going to skin that motherfucker alive."

Jeno furrows his brow, a sob escapes Renjun's mouth but he tightens his hand so that it's not audible.

The footsteps become louder by the second and he sees the rising panic in Renjun's eyes. He carefully places a hand on his cheek, caressing it, something that he had learned.

Finally, when he sees Renjun calming down, he motions for the latter to be quiet and makes his way out the stall.

They walk side by side. Trouble settling inside his mind when he hears the exchange that he had with the seniors.

_"He saw us."_

_"Saw you?"_

_The other senior taking out a packet of what looked like weed from inside his pocket._

_"We just wanted to make sure that he would be causing any trouble," the one in the middle said, smiling and Jeno senses what he meant by 'make sure.'_

He feels angry. So much anger pooling inside him at those stupid seniors, taking advantage of people who they think are below them, weaker than them.

"Um, thank you for helping me," Renjun says.

Jeno walks while kicking the stray rocks on his way. A way to take out his pent up anger somewhere.

"It okay," he replies after a beat too long of silence. "You should," Jeno stops himself. Renjun looks at him with anticipation.

One glance. "You should stand up for yourself."

"I should, shouldn't I?"

See, that's the kind of answer he wasn't expecting. Cause both, he and Renjun knew–it wasn't his fault. None of it was. He sees a drop of tear rolling down his eyes and he feels like the worst person on this entire planet.

He watches as the latter wipes them away, trying to hide it. It breaks something inside and he finds himself hugging Renjun, hoping that the latter would understand that it's alright and that it wasn't his fault.

–

He doesn't want to be here and it's pretty obvious, he doesn't even try hiding it.

"Listen, son, you should be thinking of this company as your own," his father's tone sounds so extra sweet and condescending, that he feels bile rising up from his stomach. "I don't want to, father, I really don't want to." His voice was on the verge of desperation.

"You will regret this."

He gets up from the soft sofa. "All you cared about was building this company," his father scoffs, "I don't want anything to do with it."

He leaves, straight out of the door.

"Taeil, Taeil stop here," Taeil, does as he says, stopping the car right in front of Renjun's apartment as they were passing it.

From the look on his face, Jeno knows that the other was obviously surprised at his untimely visit, dressed in a loose white nightshirt and his night pants.

Renjun looks at him up and down, "oh...hi."

Renjun nonetheless opens his door and Jeno enters. Removing his overcoat.

Before Renjun could ask him what he was doing at his house, he quickly makes up an excuse and he feels weird. Not liking the fact that he has to lie. Renjun just nods his head, prompting that he knows what he's talking about while making his way to the kitchen to make some hot chocolate.

He and Renjun awkwardly sit on his couch with their cups of hot chocolate, his mind running on what other things they could do that wouldn't require a TV or laptop.

"Do you want to study?"

Jeno looks at him and just nods his head.

They both sit on Renjun's bed to study but as casual as it sounds, miles away from each other, Renjun sitting on one corner with his back against the headboard and Jeno, on the other end.

They stay like that for a couple of hours and it peaceful. So peaceful that he's actually able to study.

When he returns from Renjun's house, he jumps a little when he sees Mark and Jaemin standing, arms-crossed right in the middle of his living room. "Where were you?"

"Did your father bother you again?"

He really doesn't want them, questioning something irrelevant, "I went to Renjun's house."

Both of them click their tongues together, "we told you not to sleep with him so–"

"I didn't sleep with him." He cuts Mark off.

They both stare at him, wide-eyed, silent. "Then...what did you do?" Jasmine asks, hesitantly. "We studied."

"Bro, you went to his house to study?"

He nods at Mark. Both Jaemin and the latter share a look that Jeno isn't able to make-out but they drop the topic.

–

"Yo, the musical is up." Jaemin comes inside the classroom, running towards him. "The musical–" he gasps, trying to catch his breath, "the musical is up bro."

Without giving any further explanations, he gets up and follows Jaemin out to the main hallway where the notice was, with Jaemin's name on top, he writes his own on the second empty spot and signs.

"Who else do reckon will join?"

"Don't know."

They both look at each at the same time, "Donghyuck?" Jaemin guesses, "oh he will definitely join."

Like Jaemin had guessed, Donghyuck does join but neither of them had guessed Renjun to be there. They get all their roles; he gets Ferdinand, Jaemin get Prospero, Donghyuck gets Stefano and Renjun Ariel–something that actually suited him quite well.

"Bro."

"Hm."

"You know who got Miranda?" He shrugs when Donghyuck asks him the question.

"Haesoo."

–

He looks at his reflection and he just...keeps looking. There isn't really much to second-think this entire thing about. "I just wanted to take you–" he sighs, "well, I thought, you know, we've been dating for so long–" he pauses and stares at his hand. Groaning, he falls back on his bed. Everything sounds so forced.

He huffs mentally telling himself to *fuck it and grabs his wallet, locking the door behind him.

When he walks inside Renjun's store, he sees someone already talking to the latter. Pretending to look for something, he grabs a pack of cigarette, his other stress relief and makes his way to the counter.

"When does your shift get over?" He asks, maintaining a low voice.

"Oh, uh, in a while."

"Okay then, meet me outside."

He pays and takes the pack of cigarette and walks out the transparent glass door, catching hold of his breath and leaning against the wall.

He takes Renjun to an amusement park, remembering that one conversation they had when the latter had expressed his fondness for it. He doesn't really know how Renjun would react and honestly, his brain isn't accepting the fact yet that he's actually doing this.

All he knows is that his mind kinda feels free and his feet feel light. He doesn't even hesitate before holding Renjun's hand, dragging him along when it starts raining.

"Jeno, can I ask you something?"

Jeno looks at him and nods his head once.

"What are we?"

Jeno's gaze shifts from his face to the pond.

_What were they?_

He doesn't know. All he knows is that even though he and Renjun don't talk much, don't stay with each other that much, he doesn't want to *let go.

"We are what you want us to be, Renjun."

_Anything you want._

He avoids looking at Renjun's face. "The entire school thinks that we're in a relationship."

That shouldn't affect him.

"I know."

He scoots near Jeno and places a hand on his cheek, moving his head to look at his direction and Renjun's face softens but it only lasts for a couple of seconds before he slips his hand down from his face, keeping it on his lap.

–

"Hey."

He turns around at hearing the voice, one that he recognised. "Oh hey, Haesoo."

He shifted his weight from one leg to another. He feels a little uneasy at the fact that she was in the boy's locker room and he feels even more uneasy when she keeps taking tentative steps towards him.

"Um, Haesoo?" He tries snapping her back, stepping back with every step that she takes.

"You don't like me anymore, do you?" He puts both his hands up in front of him out of impulse. "Of course I like you–"

"You know what I mean." She suddenly stops on her tracks, looking agitated.

"Haesoo, I'm dating someone."

"But we had something special."

Jeno purses his lips, thinking about that time when she had confessed to him right on the day he was about to break up–whatever that they had going on.

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologising?"

When he doesn't answer, she scoffs, "you expect me to believe that you actually have something with that scrawny kid?"

He puts both his hands down. He knows that she's addressing Renjun but somehow it feels like she's talking about _him._

"Yep," he tries putting a calm front.

She stomps and leaves the room.

It becomes extremely awkward between them after that incident but at least both of them act out their roles well enough.

"Have you ever heard of a jealous Renjun?"

He just happens to catch whatever Jaemin was talking to Donghyuck about. "What about him?" He butts in.

Jaemin giggles and him and Donghyuck share a look, "he asked me today about yours and Haesoo's kiss." Jeno raises his eyebrows, "really?" Jaemin nods.

He doesn't really know what to do with that information but his eyes do drift automatically to Renjun whenever they practice the kiss.

The D-day of their musical finally arrives. It's chaotic, just as Mr Park had told them, thankfully they were fully prepared for it. Everyone was dressed in an overdramatic way but Renjun was an exception and he wasn't only one who thought that; in the music room when everyone had stopped doing what they were just to stare at Renjun, dressed up as Ariel and the latter hadn't even realised all these eyes on him, too busy reading his lines.

Everything goes pretty much the same, just like in their dress-rehearsal, except for that one time Donghyuck had messed up his lines and Renjun had forgotten his. But both of them had somehow managed to cover it up.

While Donghyuck had brushed it off, calling it _a thing that happens in every plays,_ meanwhile he could see the horror in Renjun's eyes right at the moment when he had gotten stuck in between his dialogue.

He has half the mind of following Renjun after the play is finally over but when he does, he sees Jaemin crouched down in front of him and a smile adorning his face. Sighing, he leaves the backstage.

"Dude, how can you say no to free food?"

He chuckles, ruffling Donghyuck's hair, "you guys go ahead. I'm too tired anyway."

They all had planned out a little celebratory get-together, the entire crew–whoever was involved but he wasn't feeling it.

"Chill, I won't die. I'm just gonna get all my stuff and then probably head home."

He wasn't expecting Renjun to be there in the music room, struggling to unzip his white linen-shirt, tsking and Jeno relates to his agony. He doesn't even think twice before going in, swatting his hands away and opening the zip for him.

"What's the point of thinking over something that nobody will remember?" Jeno asks, nonchalantly. He holds onto Renjun's shoulder and turns his around. Renjun looks at him, up and down. "Why didn't you go?"

Jeno shrugs, "didn't feel like."

"I messed it up."

"Even Donghyuck messed up."

Renjun looks up, muttering, _oh yeah_.

"You don't remember about him, what makes you think others will remember about you?"

He doesn't say anything to what Jeno had said, even though he knew the latter was right and partly also because, he slips his hand down after successfully unzipping Renjun's linen shirt, grazing the bare skin on his back slightly, in the process, making Renjun quaver involuntarily.

After looking at that, Jeno further moves his shirt, revealing his back more and the air that hits his skin makes him shiver. He sees the goosebumps rising on the exposed skin of his back and Jeno kisses it, softly.

They were standing in front of the mirror with Renjun in front of him. He could see every little reaction that Renjun as the latter avoids looking up at their reflection. Jeno continues to kiss his shoulder, just a press of the lips, for a few seconds, slowly moving towards the side of his neck, doing the same.

"Oh God listen– not in the music room!"

Renjun jumps away from Jeno and they both see Donghyuck standing near the door, covering his eyes. "I don't even want to know what you two were doing."

He bites back a groan, running a hand through his hair instead, "mind your own business," he mutters, without any malice really.

Donghyuck scoffs, removing his hand, "I was going to get my bag but I couldn't when you two were hogging right next to it." He scurries to get his bags, right next to the mirror. "Nice shirt."

Renjun looks at his reflection and gasps a little. Jeno, a little guilty of his actions tries hiding it by scratching the back of his neck.

Renjun clears his throat, "um, I'll just, um change my clothes." He grabs his bag and makes his way out. Jeno rubs his eyes.

–

His conversation with Mark, the very first time when he had disclosed his relationship–rings in his head as he stares at Renjun from outside. The latter was working in his store, eyes widening a little after seeing him. It took a lot for him to make this decision.

He awkwardly waves his hand, motioning him to come out and Renjun lifts up his hand, displaying all five of his fingers, _five minutes._ He nods and the latter goes back to work.

Five minutes turns to twenty and the more he waits, the more anxious he feels, kicking stray rocks on the floor, so doesn't see Renjun walking towards him only looking up when the latter was standing in front of him, "hi."

He doesn't say anything, pulling Renjun by his wrist, backing him against the wall of the narrow alley right next to the store and kissing him. Renjun makes a surprised sound but kisses him back, smiling a little at his eagerness.

He makes a sound and Jeno pushes him more against the wall. They part and Jeno licks his lips, Renjun follows that movement before kissing him again.

He was hovering over Renjun, sweat clinging onto both of their bodies. Renjun had his eyes shut, exhaustion taking over both of them.

Renjun's breath even out and he slowly opens his eyes, staring at the Jeno who was still hovering over him, both of them move at the same time to reconnect their lips. Renjun sighs against his lips.

"My mother passed away. She passed away at the beginning of this year before we went to Jilin."

He looks down at his hands but can feel Renjun's eyes on him.

"My father wants me to run his business but I don't. I don't want to do what he's doing, I can't imagine myself being stuck there with all these people– I just, can't." He sighs, falling back into the bed.

But he feels a hand on his back, a reassuring one. He turns and looks at Renjun, the latter looking at him with a kind of look that he can't really read. Was it pity? Or maybe sympathy? Maybe none.

But his eyes showed sadness in them, again, knowing him but not really knowing. There's this sadness but not surprise.

"I told myself that I wouldn't feel guilty," his voice breaks.

"Shush, it's okay." An arm wraps itself around his waist and he feels Renjun's cheek, on his shoulder, enveloping him in a half-hug. It is true. Once you let all the bottled feelings out, there's no stopping it.

They stay like that before Renjun decides to break the silence, "I don't have parents," Jeno doesn't move, hearing the new information, "they died when I was very young."

Jeno turns around, completely facing Renjun. "What happened to them?"

There was a limit to how much can a person compare their situation to others. Or that's what Jeno thought, always just thinking about himself and his parents but Renjun was much worse.

They end up talking about their lives and their past, their childhood, everything and he's never felt so emotionally bound to someone ever before in his life.

He gets to know about how Renjun's parents had died in a car accident when he was only eleven years old and how he had to live with his aunt who didn't really like him much.

"I'm sorry about your parents."

Renjun smiled sadly, looking down at his hand, "don't be, they weren't that big a part in my life anyway."

Then he starts laughing, making Jeno laugh along.

"What?"

"Nothing, just– I can't believe we waited _so_ long to tell each other this," he puts a hand on his forehead.

Eleven months, twenty-eight days after they had officially started dating. That's actually how long it took.

He could see the sun rising and Renjun was sleeping beside him, the light illuminating the silver of his hair, body bare. None of them had bothered changing into their clothes after their conversation the previous night.

He touches Renjun's cheek, caressing it and the latter stirs a little in his sleep but doesn't wake up. He looks down at their discarded clothes on the floor and remembers the way they were stumbling out of them without moving from each other's lips.

He eventually does wake up, eyes fluttering, "good morning."

He smiles when he sees Jeno already looking at him. "Good morning."

"Slept well?"

He laughs, remembering last night, "yep, perfect." Renjun tucks a stray strand of hair falling in his eyes, behind his ears. "Wanna eat something?" Jeno feels like playing along and saying something like, _yeah, you_ but then hears his stomach grumble and sadly nods his head.

Renjun laughs at that, the sound ringing in the entire living room and Jeno sighs, _how does it feel to finally open up?_ Mark's voice again echoes in his head. It feels like a heavyweight has been lifted off his chest. It feels, not the best but definitely something that is worth looking forward to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo *awkward laugh* this is it, I guess. I know, soo many of you weren't expecting it and tbh I wasn't expecting it either but I guess this was the ending, I hope I didn't disappoint😅 the last part was kinda like an epilogue. Meanwhile, I have been working on some fics but like I said, writing is tough but I will try to put them up as soon as possible
> 
> And also, I wrote– ahh, I wrote this Markmin smut a while back, if you guys wanna read it, you can find it: [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25916578)

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, thank you for reading if you've reached the end. Please do leave a kudos if you liked it and feel free to comment on how you liked it so far!!


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